Bard

[Intro] So you picked your class Hold onto your ass, it's gonna get crass 'Cause race - part of the role you can play Some sentient clay, a he, she or they A beast who gets real snarly And regular dude named Charley If homebrew's free, a big talking tree Welcome to A Crap Guide to D&D [Verse 1] Aarakocra - a big fuckin' bird You got some wings so you can fly And if non-weapon melee is what's preferred They get sharp talons to bitch scratch a guy Or maybe you're more of an Aasimar Still avian if you lower the bar Angelic people with radiant energy Or darkness if you flap your wings edgily Bugbears aren't actually bears at all More like beastly orcs and just as tall But oddly sneaky and your arms are long So you're freakin' good at playing basketball But if going full beast is a little too far You could always do half and decide to be a centaur Charging the enemy so they can't readily Get steadily back up while you stomp on them deadily For the sneaky bunch, the changeling is cool You make disguise kits a worthless tool You can change your face to whatever race There's nearly no limit on who you can fool Dragonborn - no, not the Skyrim kind Are likely the kid of a bard that'll find Dragons really hot, so now you shoot acid Or whatever other color your parent's preferred ass is The typical Dwarf with a beautiful beard You work with your hands and are physically sturdy You seem informed about rocks which is weird Try not to obsess or the sesh'll get wordy Elves are pompous pricks A dozen flavors to match and mix They live a long time, don't sleep, instead trance And are hard to be charmed, so bards, keep it in your pants Pick a Firbolg to be a chill-ass cow Most of which have a druidic vow And don't ask how but they can turn Invisible, which is a big concern Genasi - elemental genie bastards One of four elements that they have mastered In some way, lets 'em do cool shit Like water-bend or have a fire breathing armpit Githyanki and githzerai Elves that look like they wanna die All they're about is how they clash Been around fourty years and their lore's still trash Shortstack (stack, stack, stack) - Gnome happy short folk Who are smart and wise and cunning and know how to Crack (crack, crack, crack) into good camouflage Be it sneaking or magic or cool roguish montage Whack (whack, whack, whack) is the goblin Small size, hits hard on your gnoggin' Their nimbleness makes it hard to keep pace They'll hide and bide, quick slide and hit your face Muscles are in, though I have bias So the hottest IMO is Goliaths They're 8 feet tall, have steel for their balls And can shrug off damage like one man riots Half-Elves - the mutts and mules of D&D Extra points to spend on two abilities And skills out the ass, it's the best of both races And backstories usually come from stupid places Half-Orc - like I said, muscles are in You're a ruthless brute who fights to win Your crits get crits and you can terrify And if you feel like it, you can say no when you die If your luck is nasty, the Halfling is good You re-roll ones and win like you should And you're hard to scare, so go party with a dragon And you can slip through if it's angry off the flagon Humans get a little bit of everything They lack gimmicks or special flair or any zing But are all around average you know how it is And the perfect pick if you're boring [Chorus] Races, all the races Races, all the races There's plenty to choose from, too many, so come Witness the list of this guide to all of the Races (races), all the races [Verse 2] Hobgoblin, they trust in a code Be it God or communism or giant toad They’re a prideful chode, so whenever you fail The more watch you retry means you go beast mode If you're an edgy avian, the Kenku's sneaky Agile and crafty and can easily lie They can mimic voices to be a bit cheeky Too bad they get bullied because they can't fly The Kobold is a mischievous one They hate bright light and there's often more than one And they can trick dumb fools, then steal their jewels But ganging up together can be pretty fun Guess it's the scaly hour 'cause Lizardfolk Have sticks up their ass and can't take a joke They can bite and craft and stay a while underwater And have hard-ass scales to block cannon fodder Loxodon are straight up elephants Their large size and thick hide make them dense Got trunks to smell and are wise and mostly merry But piss one off and you'll see they're damn scary Wanna breath underwater? Locathah is a fish A straight up fish, literally just a fish Your armor starts high and get tons of resistance But stay dry and you die, you're still just a fish Big beastly bull is the Minotaur Got horns to charge if you run pretty far Make them shit their pants while you're at it Being big and scary is a habit, speaking of Orcs, superstitious and strong But also often wrong with a minus 2 to Int That's okay, so to say, you're aggressive and massive Lotta angry parents means they're rarely passive Cat girls rejoice, Tabaxi is here Obsessed with stuff and quite the sightseer Fast like a cat, get claws and climb far Tons of coats like leopard and tiger and jaguar Tiefling is a demon with a lot of looks They're horny and hot and often a provoker In the lore anyway, a lot of hate It's normal I guess when you're a panty-soaker If you wanna be big and reptilian Who's strong and hardy, then Tortle Has a shell that's AC is a million So have fun being a hermit immortal Triton is just an aquatic elf Who evolved itself in the continental shelf And you're basically Aquaman, fish can understand you No, they won't do your laundry just 'cause you demand to The Verdan - like a goblin but pretentious Got some mind powers that'd make mystics contentious And a buncha passive shit, what is this, peace hour? Come back and talk to me when you learn real power Yuan-Ti Pureblood - like humans but snakey Never make a date with one, I hear they're flakey Manipulative bunch with magic resistance Don't take their oral offer, no matter their persistence A spirit-human mix is the Kalashtar Got a lotta mind shit that's really bizarre Like telepathy, dream protectively Like angels if they couldn't be effectively The Shifter's like a half-lycanthrope With four different types with exclusive features You can't transform, at least not fully So you'll often look more like a freakish creature Simic Hybrids are random fusion Of aquatic things like a squid or a crab Gain bonuses depending which ones So have some big pincers for new ways to stab Warforged - robots forged for war Don't have to eat or sleep or breath and what's more Is you're tanky as well, being hard as steel The only downside is you'll never truly feel Vedalken tells us nobody's perfect Look like Na'vi people without the long neck They get lots of bonuses to smarts, not shocking Good luck ever getting one to stop talking And that's the lot and always remember Class-race importance is pretty seldom Use whatever you fancy, make a chubby fighter dancy Now you know how to pick your race, you're welcome [Chorus] Races, all the races Races, all the races There's plenty to choose from, too many, so come Witness the list of this guide to all of the Races (races), all the races