Waveform

1 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY 1 Snowy suburbs of Toronto. From a nondescript house we hear: KIM PINE Scott Pilgrim is dating a high schooler? 2 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' KITCHEN - DAY 2 Four twenty-somethings lounge around a small kitchen table STEPHEN STILLS, 25, shaggy hair, Canadian Cowboy chic STEPHEN STILLS Really? Is she hot? KIM PINE, 22, cute, bitter, sweatshirt with a zipper KIM PINE How old are you now, Scott? Like Twenty-eight? SCOTT I'm not playing your little games KIM PINE So you've been out of high school For like, 13 years and- SCOTT I'm twenty-two. Twenty-two! STEPHEN STILLS And you're dating a high school Girl? Not bad, not bad YOUNG NEIL, 20, simple mind, layered T-shirts YOUNG NEIL Like, did you guys 'do it' yet? SCOTT PILGRIM, 22, fresh faced and charmingly cocky with an Unruly yet adorable mop of hair SCOTT We have done many things. We ride the bus. We have meaningful conversations about how yearbook club went and about her friends, and, um...you know...drama STEPHEN STILLS Yeah, okay, have you even kissed her? SCOTT We almost held hands once, but then She got embarrassed KIM PINE Well. Aren't you pleased as punch? STEPHEN STILLS So, what's her name? SCOTT (pleased as punch) Knives Chau. She's Chinese STEPHEN STILLS (under his breath) Chinese... Young Neil pauses his Nintendo DS YOUNG NEIL Wicked! How'd you meet her? SCOTT I believe I mentioned the bus? Scott Pilgrim prepares to tell an amazing story: 3 INT. THE BUS - NIGHT 3 KNIVES CHAU, 17, cute and innocent with clothes to match Sits next to her mother, MOTHER CHAU, 45, demanding MOTHER CHAU You are seventeen year old! Time to Get interested in boy! KNIVES CHAU Mom! Knives DROPS her bag, books scattering everywhere MOTHER CHAU You drop book Knives crouches down to pick up her books, grumbling SCOTT (O.S.) Hey... Knives looks up to see the cute and gallant SCOTT PILGRIM Holding her books. TEXT appears in an on-screen box: "SCOTT PILGRIM, 22 YEARS OLD, RATING: AWESOME." Stars appear in Knives's eyes. Scott grins heroically. Scott Winks at Knives. Scott winks at the camera 4 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' KITCHEN - DAY 4 Back in the kitchen, everyone looks at Scott... KIM PINE Is that seriously the end of the story? SCOTT Yes. It is Young Neil unpauses his Nintendo DS STEPHEN STILLS So when do we get to meet her? KIM PINE Oh please. Let it be soon DINGY DONG! The doorbell rings. Scott smiles broadly SCOTT That's for me 5 INT/EXT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - DAY 5 An eager Knives stands outside. Scott opens the door a crack SCOTT You promise to be good? KNIVES CHAU Of course I'll be good! SCOTT No, really. Please be good KNIVES CHAU Am I normally not? Stephen Stills comes to the door and peers through SCOTT Oh, hey. Knives, this is Stephen Stills. He's the talent STEPHEN STILLS Hey STILLS shuts the door on a confused Knives STEPHEN STILLS Is she gonna geek out on us? SCOTT She'll just sit in the corner, man STEPHEN STILLS I mean, I want her to geek out on us B>SCOTT She'll geek. She geeks. She has the Capacity to geek Stephen Stills quickly opens the door and waves Knives in (CONTINUED) STEPHEN STILLS You're good 6 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - DAY 6 Knives enters, looking around the rehearsal pad with awe: Bare bulb, ratty rug, drums, guitar, bass, LAME BRAND amps KNIVES CHAU Wow SCOTT Knives, that's Kim. Lemme get your coat Scott throws Knives' coat on the floor. Knives waves KNIVES CHAU Hi, sorry, what was your name? KIM PINE Kim KNIVES CHAU You play the drums? REVEAL Kim sitting behind the drumset, sticks in her hands KIM PINE ...yes KNIVES CHAU That is so awesome SCOTT Knives, that's Young Neil KNIVES CHAU Hi. What do you play? YOUNG NEIL Uh, wow...Zelda...Tetris...that's Kind of a big question Knives stares blankly at Young Neil, who finally gets it YOUNG NEIL Oh. I'm not in the band. I just Live here Sex Bob-Omb has geared up. Amps hum to life SCOTT Let's start with Launchpad McQuack STEPHEN STILLS That's not the actual title of the- KIM PINE WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! 1-2-3-4! Kim BASHES the kit and Sex Bob-Omb EXPLODE INTO ROCK! GUITAR AND BASS LEADS LEAP INTO THE AIR, SPELLING OUT OUR TITLE... SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD TITLES continue over the song as the small rehearsal space Seems to GROW with the music. Stephen Stills barks Unintelligable lyrics Knives watches, jaw ajar. The song ends, feedback lingering KNIVES CHAU You guys...are so...amazing 7 EXT. BUS STOP - EVENING 7 Scott bids adieu to a stunned Knives as she gets on a bus KNIVES CHAU I can't even...Sex Bob-Omb Amazing 8 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' ROOM - EVENING 8 The band and Young Neil lounge around Stephen Stills' room STEPHEN STILLS She seems nice SCOTT Yeaaah YOUNG NEIL She seems awesome SCOTT Yeaaah KIM PINE Scott, if your life had a face I Would punch it SCOTT Yeaaah...wait, what? KIM PINE I mean, are you really happy or are You really evil? SCOTT Like, do I have ulterior motives or Something? I'm offended, Kim STEPHEN STILLS Wounded even? SCOTT Hurt, Kim KIM PINE You? Hurt? Scott takes a breath, turns to Young Neil SCOTT Neil, you were saying she seems awesome YOUNG NEIL Yeah, she seems awesome SCOTT Yeaaaah... 9 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - EVENING 9 Scott hangs his coat up in a tiny, one room apartment. He Turns to WALLACE WELLS, dark hair, arched eyebrow, disloyal "WALLACE WELLS, ROOMMATE, 24 YEARS OLD, FUN FACT: HE IS GAY!" SCOTT Before you hear some dirty lies From someone else, yes, I'm dating A 17 year old Wallace looks up from the NOW magazine he's reading WALLACE Is he cute? SCOTT Ha, ha, ha, ha WALLACE Does this mean we have to stop Sleeping together? SCOTT Do you see another bed in here? TINY BOXES OF TEXT indicate the ownership of the items in the One room flat: 95% belongs to Wallace, FUTON included WALLACE Yeah. You're totally my bitch forever SCOTT So. The whole seventeen year old Thing. Don't tell too many people WALLACE Hey, you know me SCOTT I mean. Don't tell my sister WALLACE You know me Wallace tosses the NOW magazine aside, starts texting SCOTT Who are you texting? RINGY RING. The phone goes. Scott picks up STACEY (O.S.) Seventeen years old? Scandal! Intercut with STACEY PILGRIM, cute, peppy barista, gabbing on Her cellphone in THE SECOND CUP. A sign behind her reads 'œIf You are using your cellphone, you will not be served' "STACEY PILGRIM, YOUNGER SISTER, 19, RATING: 'T' FOR TEEN." SCOTT That's not true. Who told you? STACEY Wallace. Duh SCOTT That gossipy bitch WALLACE (O.S.) You know me Scott turns to see Wallace on a second cordless SCOTT Wallace! Wallace clicks off. Scott sinks into an armchair STACEY Who is this mysterious child you date? SCOTT Her name is Knives. Knives Chau STACEY A seventeen year old Chinese Schoolgirl? You're ridiculous SCOTT It's a Catholic school too STACEY With the uniform and everything? SCOTT Yeah, the whole deal STACEY Oh my God, you haven't- SCOTT No no no. We haven't even held Hands. I think she hugged me once STACEY Um, Scott. Why are you doing this? SCOTT I don't know...it's just nice, you Know? It's just...simple STACEY It's been over a year since you got Dumped by she-who-will-not-be-named Scott glances down at the partially obscured NOW magazine Looking into the HOT GIRL'S EYES on the back cover album ad STACEY (CONT'D) So, are you legitimately moving on Or is this just you being insane? Scott looks at a strip of photobooth pictures: he smiles next To a hot redhead in happier times SCOTT Can I get back to you on that? A SCHOOL BELL clangs loudly... 10 EXT. CATHOLIC SCHOOL - DAY 10 Wallace and Scott stand outside a CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL Uniformed boys and girls pour out WALLACE I do not want to be here. At all SCOTT This school has boys too WALLACE I hate you. Even I would think twice About dating a seventeen year old SCOTT Well, she's only allowed out when The sun is up, so I wouldn't call It dating, more like... WALLACE Playtime? SCOTT That doesn't sound so good either KNIVES CHAU (O.S.) Scott! Heyyyy! Knives skips to Scott. Her shy friend TAMARA lingers behind SCOTT Hey Knives, this is my cool gay Roommate, Wallace Wells. He's gay KNIVES CHAU Oh, hi! Do you want to know who in My class is gay? WALLACE Yes. Does he wear glasses? SCOTT Wallace, you go now! Begone! Wallace pulls Knives close. Whispers WALLACE You're too good for him. Run 11 INT. THE ARCADE - DAY 11 Scott and Knives play NINJA NINJA REVOLUTION (think a martial Arts version of DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION) They punch and kick in unison, side by side SCOTT Did you know the original name of Pac- Man was Puck-man? You would think it's Because Pac-Man looks like a yellow Hockey puck, but actually it comes From the Japanese phrase paku-paku Which means to flap ones mouth open And closed. They changed it over here Because Puck-Man is too easy to Vandalize. You know, scratch out the P And turn it into an F or whatever? Knives flips over Scott's back in a COMBO move KNIVES CHAU Ohmigod, like...wow SCOTT Yeah. Wow The game ends. CONTINUE appears, counting down: 10...9...8... Scott looks at Knives. She digs for quarters KNIVES CHAU Oh, I got it! Scott and Knives leave a pizza joint, slices in hand KNIVES CHAU Tamara is into this Korean guy Bobby, but everyone thinks Bobby Has a crush on Mina SCOTT I thought Derek and Tamara had a Mutual like-each-other thing going What happened? A13 INT. THE GOODWILL - DAY A13 Scott and Knives shop for T-shirts. Hangers click in time KNIVES CHAU I don't listen to much music. I Know a lot of kids who play piano Or whatever, but you guys ROCK SCOTT I knew I personally rocked, but I Never suspected that we rocked as a Unit. Thank you, Knives 13 INT. SONIC BOOM (RECORD STORE) - DAY 13 Scott and Knives flip through records in perfect sync KNIVES CHAU I mean, you guys are gonna be HUGE SCOTT Well, we're already pretty big. But It might be cool if cool people Wore our T-shirt Knives speaks to a female clerk, surly with tats and specs: "JULIE, 22, STILLS' GIRLFRIEND, RATING: WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?" KNIVES CHAU Excuse me, do you have anything by 'The Clash At Demonhead'? JULIE Have you tried the section marked 'The Clash At Demonhead'? SCOTT Thank you, Julie JULIE Are you coming to my party Friday Or will you be busy babysitting? SCOTT Thank you, Julie (TO KNIVES) You don't want to listen to her SCOTT (CONT'D) And you definitely don't want to Listen to them Scott puts The Clash at Demonhead CD back in the rack KNIVES CHAU Oh, I heart them so much SCOTT I hearted them too until they signed To a major label and the singer turned Into a total bitch and ruined my life But that's just me KNIVES CHAU (OBLIVIOUS) Envy Adams is sooo cool. Do you Read her blog? SCOTT Sorry, you were saying about me? 14 EXT. SNOWY TORONTO STREET - DAY 14 Scott and Knives amble down a snow covered sidewalk KNIVES CHAU I mean, I've...I've never gone out With someone so talented SCOTT You go out with a lot of guys? KNIVES CHAU ...no SCOTT Yeah, so whatever, man! KNIVES CHAU I've never even kissed a guy Knives blushes and looks at the ground. Scott hugs her SCOTT Me neither 15 EXT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - DAY 15 Scott and Knives walk up to the front of Wallace's apartment KNIVES CHAU So this is your secret lair? Can I Come in? SCOTT My secret lair is one of those 'no Girls allowed' deals KNIVES CHAU Oh, okay SCOTT But do you want to see the house Where I grew up? KNIVES CHAU Sure They literally walk across the street to a small house SCOTT Here you go KNIVES CHAU Wow SCOTT Yeah. Wow Wind blows. The light snowfall turns into sand... 16 EXT. THE DREAM DESERT - HOTTEST DAY 16 ...Scott wanders alone through a barren land. He falls to his Knees next to a lonely cactus SCOTT Oh God...so...so alone A MYSTERIOUS GIRL rollerblades across the shifting sands. She Wears fishnets, an army jacket, skirt and goggles. Her pink Hair is funky but cool. She is hotter than the desert sun < b>MYSTERIOUS GIRL [Ramona] You're not alone. You're just Having some idiotic dream SCOTT Does that mean we can make out? But she's gone... 17 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - ? 17 ...SCOTT WAKES UP, sitting up in the FUTON SCOTT Oh God... Wallace wakes up to the left of Scott, rubbing his eyes WALLACE What is it, Scott? SCOTT I had this totally weird dream OTHER VOICE Oh God WALLACE What is it, Scott? A scruffy, goateed guy wakes right between Scott and Wallace: "OTHER SCOTT, 22, WALLACE'S BOYFRIEND? FUN FACT: GUY CURIOUS" OTHER SCOTT Can we skip the dreamtime? Color me Not interested SCOTT But there was this girl... WALLACE Girl? OTHER SCOTT Was this an Envy related dream? WALLACE We don't use the E-word in this house SCOTT No, it wasn't her. It was somebody new... OTHER SCOTT Yay for that Other Scott goes back to sleep. Wallace rubs his eyes WALLACE Speaking of new, weren't you Supposed to take your fake high School girlfriend to the library a Half-hour ago? SCOTT What? It's like, six in the morning Scott opens the bathroom door. Sunlight ignites the room SCOTT (CONT'D) Arrrrgh! KNIVES CHAU What's wrong? Scott is noticeably taller than all the teens in the library He carries a stack of books for Knives SCOTT Libraries remind me of grade school KNIVES CHAU That must seem like a reeeeally Long time ago SCOTT Uh. Let's talk about something else The hiss of ball bearings catches Scott's attention. He Freezes as he sees THE ROLLERBLADING GIRL FROM HIS DREAM Skating towards the desk in SEXALICIOUS SLOW MOTION KNIVES CHAU Do you know that girl? The Rollerblading Girl delivers a package from AMAZON.CA to The librarian. Scott's gaze follows the GIRL as she blades Out of the library. Pensive guitar underscores his thoughts KNIVES CHAU Scott? Scott continues to stare at the girl. Time slows to a crawl STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.) SCOTT! 19 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - EVENING 19 Scott stands in the rehearsal room, head still in the clouds STEPHEN STILLS You only played one note for that Entire song SCOTT It was...uh...my hand slipped KIM PINE Is your girlfriend distracting you? SCOTT My girlfriend? A meek Knives sits next to Young Neil on the couch KNIVES CHAU I'll... I'll be quieter STEPHEN STILLS Let's do that one again SCOTT Sorry, what are we doing? 20 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT 20 STEPHEN STILLS I told you like fifty times! Scott, Kim Pine, Stephen Stills and Young Neil walk down an Icy Toronto street. Scott's head is still in the clouds KIM PINE We're going to this party, retard SCOTT Party? YOUNG NEIL At Julie's SCOTT Ugh. I thought you guys split STEPHEN STILLS We did. But, you know, there may be Some label guys there, so... SCOTT Aw, man. This is going to suck KIM PINE At least it will give us something To complain about SCOTT Awww maaan... 21 INT. JULIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT 21 A bored Scott stands next to Young Neil in a very crowded House party. Both have red plastic cups in hand SCOTT ...this sucks YOUNG NEIL Sucks SCOTT I'm going to go pee due to boredom Scott exits frame YOUNG NEIL I have to pee Neil sips his drink Scott passes by COMEAU, a bespectacled hipster geek: '˜COMEAU, 25, FUN FACT: KNOWS EVERYONE (INCLUDING YOU)' SCOTT Hey Comeau COMEAU Hey Scott. Some party huh? You Gettin' your drink on? INTEGRATED FINAL 16 21 CONTINUED: (2) 21 SCOTT This is Coke Zero. I don't drink COMEAU You don't drink? I remember you Getting ridiculously drunk off two G&T's one time and- SCOTT (QUICKLY) Comeau, you know everyone, right? COMEAU Pretty much SCOTT Do you know this one girl with hair Like this? Scott sketches an incomprehensible drawing of Ramona COMEAU Yeah man. Ramona Flowers. Someone Said she was coming tonight actually SCOTT WHAT? COMEAU You got the hots for her? I hear She's hardcore... Scott has already left a Scott-shaped dust cloud... 22 INT. JULIE'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 22 Scott scans the party. His eyes go WIDE. He CRUSHES his Plastic cup. There she is...playing the wall...RAMONA! Aloof Enigmatic. Hot. Scott sidles up and stands next to her SCOTT Hey, what's up? RAMONA Nothing SCOTT Hey, you know Pacman? RAMONA I know of him Scott begins to babble (CONTINUED) SCOTT Well you know Pac-Man was Originally Puckman but not because Pac-Man looks like a hockey puck And paku-paku-paku means flapping Your mouth and they changed it Because if you scratch out the "P" And turn it into an "F'? You know? Like... RAMONA Yeah that's amazing SCOTT Um...am I dreaming? Ramona looks at Scott blankly. He slowly skulks away SCOTT (CONT'D) I'll leave you alone forever now "THEN HE STALKED HER FOR THE REST OF THE PARTY..." Series of quick shots as Scott follows Ramona. He ducks Around corners, spies from behind a much bigger dude. Ramona Leaves the party Scott grabs a startled Young Neil SCOTT DUDE! YOUNG NEIL WHA? SCOTT SHE'S TOTALLY REAL! YOUNG NEIL WHO!? STEPHEN STILLS RAMONA FLOWERS! YOUNG NEIL WHUH? JUMP CUT. Scott RUNS towards Comeau SCOTT DUDE. What do you know about Ramona Flowers?! COMEAU All I know is she's American SCOTT (EXOTICALLY) American... COMEAU But you should talk to Sandra and MONIQUE- "SANDRA AND MONIQUE, 24, TWO GIRLS COMEAU KNOWS" SCOTT LADYDUDES! What do you know about Ramona Flowers? MONIQUE I think she has a boyfriend SANDRA Some guy back in New York MONIQUE Doesn't she have the most Ridiculous name? SANDRA I know. It's so 'œRamona Quimby Aged 8' and yet...Flowers The girls laugh. Scott does not SCOTT Yeah. What else? JUMP CUT through a FLURRY OF FACES as Scott asks everyone ABOUT RAMONA: PARTYGOER #1 I heard she kicks all kind of ass PARTYGOER #2 She's on another level PARTYGOER #3 She's got men dying at her feet PARTYGOER #4 She's got some battle scars PARTYGOER #5 Not to be entered into lightly We end on the surly JULIE (the rude clerk) who steps in front Of Scott, arms crossed. Stephen Stills is with her JULIE What about Ramona Flowers? SCOTT You know her? Tell me. Now JULIE She just moved here. Got a job with Amazon. Comes into my work SCOTT Does she really? STEPHEN STILLS Didn't you say she just broke up With someone, Jools? SCOTT Did she really? STEPHEN STILLS That they had a huge fight or whatever? SCOTT Did they reeeally? JULIE ...yes. But I didn't want Scott to Know that, Stephen SCOTT Yeah, I don't know what it is about That girl, she just- JULIE Scott, I forbid you from hitting on Ramona. Even if you haven't had a Real girlfriend in over a year- STEPHEN STILLS Hey whoa, whoa. Scott's mourning Period is officially over. He's Totally dating a high schooler JULIE Dating a high schooler is the Mourning period STEPHEN STILLS She's got a point SCOTT I thought you guys broke up JULIE I don't want you scaring off the Coolest girl at my party Scott. We All know you're a total lady killer Wannabe jerky jerkSCOTT That's garbage! Completely untrue JULIE That time with Lisa- SCOTT Misunderstanding JULIE That time with Hollie- SCOTT Not what it looked like! JULIE That time you dumped Kim for- SCOTT Hey, me and Kim are all good now SCOTT looks to KIM. We hear the sound of arctic winds JULIE Whatever, Ramona is out of your League, let's leave it at that JULIE (CONT'D) And anyway, I'm not even sure she Really did have a big breakup. She Keeps mentioning some guy named Gideon SCOTT (NOT LISTENING) Yeah, I don't know what it is about That girl, she just- JULIE Forget it Scott!!! 23 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 23 Scott lies on the futon, WIDE awake. Wallace storms in WALLACE Guess who's druuunk? SCOTT I guess Wallace WALLACE You guess right Wallace flops onto the futon, landing next to Scott SCOTT So, that girl. From my dream WALLACE Girl. Okay... SCOTT I saw her at the library... WALLACE Library...can I pretend we're Talking about a guy? SCOTT So then I'm at this party, and hey! There she is WALLACE There he is SCOTT I think she's... WALLACE You think he's... SCOTT I think she's the girl of my dreams WALLACE Mmm. Then you should break up with Your fake high school girlfriend SCOTT I've never been so sure about Something WALLACE Then you should break up with your Fake high school girlfriend SCOTT What's that? WALLACE Break...up...fake...high School...girlfriend... SCOTT I'm not getting it, friend Wallace drifts off. RINGY RING! Scott answers. INTERCUT with STACEY sitting on a bus on her cellphone STACEY You're thinking of juggling two chicks!? SCOTT Not even! STACEY Well, you should break up with your Fake high school girlfriend SCOTT Wait. Who told you? STACEY Duh. Wallace SCOTT He's not even conscious! STACEY Whatever. You of all people should know How sucky it is to get cheated on SCOTT Don't you have a job to do? STACEY You're right. I should send out a Mass text about this. Bye Scott looks to Wallace, who is out cold, cellphone in hand (CONTINUED) SCOTT Wallace, how do you do that? HARD CUT to MORNING LIGHT filling the room! SCOTT (O.S.) WALLACE! Wallace sits bolt upright. Scott sits at Wallace's computer SCOTT (CONT'D) Amazon.ca. What's the website for that? WALLACE ...Amazon.ca SCOTT Awesome! I have to order something Reeeally cool COMPUTER "You've got mail!" SCOTT Dude! This thing claims I have mail! WALLACE It's amazing what they can do with Computers these days SCOTT Dude! Now I'm reading it! WALLACE I'm so happy for you SCOTT "Dear Mr. Pilgrim, It has come to My attention that we will be Fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and I'm" blah blah 'œfair Warning' blah blah...hmm. This Is...this is...THIS IS...!!! WALLACE WHAT?! SCOTT This is boring. Delete! CLICK.' Scott walks to the front door. Moments pass WALLACE Scott. Are you waiting for the Package you just ordered? SCOTT Maybe WALLACE It's the weekend. It won't ship Until Monday at the earliest DINGY DONG Scott JUMPS to his feet SCOTT You were saying? Scott opens the door. It's KNIVES CHAU! SCOTT Heyyy... KNIVES CHAU Attack hug! Knives smothers Scott SCOTT Attack hug. That's cute He plasters on his best fake smile KNIVES CHAU Remember you were supposed to meet Me at the bus stop a half-hour ago? SCOTT How could I possibly forget? 24 INT. SONIC BOOM - DAY 24 Scott and Knives flip through the record bins, out of sync KNIVES CHAU Yearbook club is getting SO boring I cannot believe the music they put On while we work SCOTT That's sucky 25 INT. THE GOODWILL - DAY 25 Knives buys a hip and trendy jacket. Scott sits on a couch Next to the DO NOT SIT sign, still distracted KNIVES CHAU Hannah broke up with Alan and now She's all into Derek... SCOTT Uh huh 26 EXT. PIZZA PIZZA - DAY 26 Scott and Knives walk out of a pizza joint. Knives chows down On a slice. Scott doesn't eat, his thoughts elsewhere KNIVES CHAU ...but Tamara claims she has dibs On Derek SCOTT I tell ya' Scott and Knives play NINJA NINJA REVOLUTION, side by side Scott plays halfheartedly, his timing off KNIVES CHAU Combo! Knives goes to flip over Scott, but he messes up. THE MIRROR IMAGE of Scott's videogame avatar appears on screen KNIVES CHAU Uh oh, NegaNinja NEGANINJA - squares up against Scott's avatar SCOTT I can never get past that guy Scott has his little videogame head cut off. The 'œCONTINUE?' Countdown comes up...10...9...8... KNIVES CHAU Do you want to keep going? Scott takes a long look at Knives SCOTT Um, I think...I think... Scott takes a deep breath. This is never easy. 3...2...1... 28 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - EVENING 28 STEPHEN STILLS Game on, everybody. Game. On An excited Stills addresses Sex Bob-Omb. Scott tunes his Bass, alone by the window, staring out STEPHEN STILLS I got us a show KNIVES CHAi OH MY GOSH WHEN?! Knives BURSTS into frame. Scott winces STEPHEN STILLS Wednesday, The Rockit. And even Better? It's the T.I.B.B KNIVES CHAU The Toronto International Battle of The Bands?! STEPHEN STILLS S'right. This guy at work was like "Steve, do you know anyone in a Band?" and I was like 'œI'm in a Band' and he was like 'œYou're in a Band?' and I was like 'œYeah I'm Totally in a band'- KIM PINE Great story, man KNIVES CHAU Is there a prize or something?! STEPHEN STILLS Only a record deal with G-man Graves! SCOTT What? Who? KNIVES CHAU You don't know? STEPHEN STILLS Indie Producer of the millennium?! SCOTT Oh YOUNG NEIL Whoa Stills gestures to Knives' home-made Sex Bob-Omb T-shirt STEPHEN STILLS If we win...it won't just be Knives Wearing a Sex Bob-Omb shirt. It'll Be the cool kids too Knives can barely contain herself. She grabs Scott KNIVES CHAU I will do everything I can to get Out of study group and come SCOTT Sure. Great We follow Scott as he walks in a daze to the bathroom KNIVES CHAU (O.S.) Oh my gosh, who are you battling? STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.) Crash and the Boys YOUNG NEIL (O.S.) That one band with Crash? And Those Boys? KIM PINE Yeah that's the one YOUNG NEIL I hate them! KNIVES CHAU (O.S.) Oh my gosh, I hate them too! STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.) Yeah, they suc 29 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE, BATHROOM - EVENING 29 Scott pees in a state of dreamy reverie. The PEE BAR above His head slowly reduces. He stares at himself in the mirror Scott exits the bathroom, entering... 30 INT. DREAM HIGH SCHOOL - ? 30 ...a long, empty HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY. Scott's footsteps echo As he moves towards a classroom door with a STAR on it... RAMONA FLOWERS bursts through the door, skating past Scott And down the hall, PACKAGE from AMAZON clutched in her hand Scott runs after her, around a corner, down a row of LOCKERS Leading to...the outside of WALLACE'S APARTMENT??? 31 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING 31 Scott LEAPS out of the futon and RUNS towards the front door THROWING IT OPEN and startling Ramona Flowers just as she Presses the doorbell. DINGY DONG... SCOTT Hi, um, I was thinking about asking You out, but then I realized how Stupid that would be (BEAT) Do you want to go out sometime? RAMONA Um, no, that's okay. You just have To sign for this alright? SCOTT I just woke up, and you were in my Dream. I dreamt you were delivering Me this package. Is that weird? RAMONA It's not weird at allSCOTT It's not? RAMONA No, it's just like, you've got this Really convenient subspace highway Running through your head that I Like to use. It's like three miles In fifteen seconds SCOTT Right... (CONTINUED) RAMONA Oh yeah. I forgot you guys don't Have that in Canada SCOTT You don't remember me do you? I met You at the party the other day RAMONA Were you the Pac-Man guy? SCOTT No. Not even. That was some total Ass. I was the other guy. You're Ramona Flowers right? RAMONA That's meSCOTT So, you're like American? RAMONA Why, am I coming off as rude? SCOTT Not at all. Noooooo... Scott stands in awe of Ramona. She gives him a pen RAMONA You know...you need to sign for This. Whatever this is?SCOTT It's something really cool. You'd Be impressed RAMONA You still have to sign SCOTT But if I sign for it, you'll leave RAMONA Yeah. That's how it works SCOTT Okay well, can we just maybe just Hang out sometime? Get to know each Other? You're the new kid on the Block, right? I've lived here Forever. I mean...there are reasons For you to hang out with me? RAMONA You're all over the place SCOTT You are like...my dream girl RAMONA I need to find a new route SCOTT Either that or you need to start Hanging out with me RAMONA You want me to hang out with you? SCOTT Um...you know...if that's cool RAMONA If I say yes, will you sign for Your damn package? Scott finally signs on the dotted line. And throws the Package straight in the trash SCOTT Done. So, yeah. Eight o'clock? Scott finds Ramona waiting at the top of some stairs in the Park. The Toronto skyline gleams in the night behind them SCOTT Why are you just standing there? RAMONA Dude, I'm totally waiting on you SCOTT Sorry, I just assumed you were too Cool to be on time RAMONA Well. You assumed wrong SCOTT So what do you want to do? We could Get a slice at Pizza Pizza or flip Through some records at Sonic Boom Oh, or there's this awesome game Called Ninja Ninja Revolution at- RAMONA I'm not into simulated violence SCOTT I'm cool with whatever you want to do RAMONA This is good Scott and Ramona trudge through the snow in the empty park SCOTT This is good. So how'd you end up in Toronto? RAMONA Just needed to escape I guess SCOTT Oh yeah? RAMONA I got this job here. And Gideon had Always said Toronto was one of the Great cities so... SCOTT Is Gideon...is he your boyfriend? RAMONA He's...a friend SCOTT Was he your boyfriend? RAMONA Do you mind if we don't get into That right now? SCOTT It's so not interesting to me They sit on some swings in the park RAMONA So what about you? What do you do? SCOTT I'm between jobs RAMONA Between what and what? SCOTT My last job is a long story filled With sighs RAMONA I know plenty of those SCOTT Is that why you left New York? RAMONA Pretty much. It was time to head Somewhere a little more chilled SCOTT Well, it's certainly chilled here RAMONA Yeah Uh. Chilled as in cold RAMONA Yeah SCOTT I'm totally obsessed with you RAMONA I didn't mean to get you obsessed SCOTT I just haven't been obsessed with a Girl for a long time. It's weird RAMONA That's probably because you sleep With a guy SCOTT Um... RAMONA I was guessing from your apartment But you totally do! SCOTT It's... we're just poor! We can't Afford two beds! We're not gay! Actually... no... Wallace is pretty Gay RAMONA Dude, relax. I believe you. You're Too desperate to be gay SCOTT I feel so stupid RAMONA Aw... you're probably not that Stupid Laughing, Ramona hops off her swing SCOTT (CONT'D) I'm... mostly stupid RAMONA Well, you're definitely stupid if You want to go out with me SCOTT Exactly, yeah The snowfall gets heavier RAMONA This is ridiculous. Isn't it like April? SCOTT Yeah. I can barely see you. This whole Thing is an unmitigated disaster RAMONA I think 'act of God' is a pretty Decent excuse for a lousy date SCOTT So this is a 'date', eh? RAMONA Did I say 'date'? Slip of the tongue SCOTT Tongue... The snow gets heavier still. Ramona walks away RAMONA Anyway, night's not over yet. I think There's a thingy up here somewhere SCOTT A thingy? RAMONA A door SCOTT A door? I... I... I can't see you I'm blind. Help me A door with a STAR on it appears out of the whiteness. Ramona Opens the door Scott and Ramona fall into blackness... 35 INT. RAMONA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 35 Scott shivers at the kitchen table of Ramona's cozy, girl Friendly apartment. He watches as she slips out of her coat RAMONA What kind of tea do you want? SCOTT There's more than one kind? RAMONA We have blueberry, raspberry Ginseng, sleepytime, green tea, green Tea with lemon, green tea with lemon And honey, liver disaster, ginger With honey, ginger without honey Vanilla almond, white truffle Blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut Constant comment and earl grey SCOTT Did you make some of those up? RAMONA I think I'll have sleepytime SCOTT That sounds good to me RAMONA Let me get you a blanket SCOTT That would actually be awesome Ramona exits. After a moment alone, Scott ventures upstairs He wanders towards a half open door. Pushing it open, he Finds Ramona in her bedroom in her bra and skirt RAMONA Dude! I'm changing Scott covers his eyes and our screen goes BLACK SCOTT (O.S.) AAAH! Sorry, I'm just...cold!RAMONA (O.S.) Here, does this help?SCOTT (O.S.) That's...very warm. What is that? 35 CONTINUED: 35 Scott opens his eyes to see Ramona hugging him SCOTT Ohh...kay They look into each others eyes...camera circles Scott and Ramona as they begin an awesome make out session. Scott Imagines himself soundtracking the kiss with a slinky bassline Ramona breaks off, smiling. Scott is in heaven SCOTT Were you..were you just going to Bring the blanket from your bed? RAMONA I guess... SCOTT Maybe...maybe we should both get Under it...since we're so cold RAMONA Well...what about our tea? SCOTT I can...not have tea The slinky bassline continues as Ramona takes her skirt off Revealing black panties to complement black bra. Scott takes His shirt off. They tumble onto the bed and make out. Then- RAMONA I changed my mind SCOTT Changed it to what? From what? RAMONA I don't want to have sex with you Pilgrim. Not right now SCOTT Ohh...kay RAMONA It's not like I'm gonna send you Home in a snowstorm or anything You can sleep in my bed. And I Reserve the right to change my mind About the sex later Ramona curls up next to Scott SCOTT This is cool, just this. It's been Like a really long time, and this Is...I think I needed this Whatever this is. So, thanks RAMONA You're welcome They exchange a smile. Then without warning we jump cut to - 36 INT. RAMONA'S ROOM - MORNING 36 DAYLIGHT! Scott awakens. Ramona is gone. An arrow points to The empty spot in the bed next to him 'NO RAMONA' Another arrow point out that- 'œSHE'S IN THE SHOWER' Ramona steps out of the bathroom in a towel. Scott relaxes RAMONA I have to work SCOTT Work? RAMONA You have to leave 37 EXT. RAMONA'S APARTMENT - MORNING 37 Ramona skates towards the front gate, Scott walking next to Her. WAIST DEEP SNOW covers the roads and sidewalks SCOTT Hey, can this not be a one night Stand? For one thing, I didn't even Get any...that was a joke RAMONA What did you have in mind? SCOTT Umm...oh, come to the first round Of this battle of the bands thing RAMONA (TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED) You have a band? SCOTT Yeah, we're terrible. Please come RAMONA Sure 37 CONTINUED: (2) 37 Ramona shrugs and ROLLERBLADES through the snow...(somehow) SCOTT Wait! Can I get your number? SSSSHHHOOP! Ramona skids to a stop, right back next to Scott She hands him a note. '˜RAMONA FLOWERS, 212 664-7665, xxxxxxx'˜ SCOTT Wow, girl number Scott looks back up. Ramona is already skating far, far away RAMONA See you at the show, Scott Pilgrim SCOTT Oh, hey! It's tonight...At The- 38 INT. THE ROCKIT - NIGHT 38 'œTHE ROCKIT, FUN FACT: THIS PLACE IS A TOILET' Ramona wades through a grungy venue under the stare of young Hipsters, reaching Scott at the bar. He stands with Wallace And Stacey. She holds hands with a guy wearing glasses SCOTT You totally came! RAMONA Yes. I did totally come Scott is so amazed at her presence, his social skills vanish STACEY Excuse my brother. He's chronically Enfeebled. I'm Stacey RAMONA Hey STACEY And this is Wallace, his room-mate WALLACE Hey STACEY And this is my boyfriend Jimmy WALLACE (staring at Jimmy) Heyyy STACEY And this is Knives, Scott's- Scott goes white. He didn't even see Knives come in SCOTT HEYYYYYYYY! KNIVES CHAU Hey Knives pecks Scott on the cheek. He pushes her away. Knives Looks kinda sexy, wearing makeup and new clothes KNIVES CHAU Do you like? SCOTT I...uh... LEONE STAREDOWNS all around. Stacey stares at Scott. Knives And Ramona stare at each other. Wallace stares at Jimmy SCOTT (CONT'D) Have. To. Go Scott scurries off. We hear feedback from a mic onstage PROMOTER This next band are from Brampton And they are Crash And The Boys 39 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 39 Scott runs backstage to see Stills obsessively flipping Through a chart with hand drawn stats of their rival band STEPHEN STILLS This is a nightmare. Is this a Nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake up KIM Once we're on stage you'll be fine STILLS We were just on stage. For sound Check. The sound guy hated us SCOTT It's just nerves! Pre-show jitters People love us. Right? Scott sounds less than convincing. He looks up at Ramona and Knives sitting with Wallace, Jimmy and Stacey in the BALCONY Crash and The Boys tune up. A drunk Wallace turns to Jimmy WALLACE Jimmy. Do they rock or suck? JIMMY They...haven't started playing yet WALLACE That was a test, Jimmy. You passedCRASH Good evening. I am Crash, and these Are the Boys WALLACE IS THAT GIRL A BOY, TOO? CRASH Yes TRASHA, 8 year old girl drummer, gives Wallace the finger A41 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS A41 Sex Bob-omb peer at the band from offstage. Kim glowers KIM PINE They have a girl drummer? B41 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS B41 CRASH This is called "I am so sad. I am So very very sad." And it goes a Little something like this Crash and the Boys play a whole song in .04 seconds CRASH Thank you Wallace yells from the balcony WALLACE IT'S NOT A RACE, GUYS! CRASH This song is for the guy who keeps Yelling from the balcony, and it's Called "We Hate You, Please Die." WALLACE Sweet! I love this one! STEPHEN STILLS These guys are good. Are these guys Good? Kim Pine scowls harder than ever STEPHEN STILLS These guys are good CRASH This is called "Last Song Kills Audience". It'll be our last song Tonight and your last song EVER... Sound explodes from the stage. The audience are stunned Stills paces backstage as the others watch the band STEPHEN STILLS How are we supposed to follow this? We're not going to win, we're not Gonna sign with G-Man and we'll Never play opening night at the Chaos Theatre (FREAKING OUT) GODDAMN IT SCOTT, WILL YOU STOP JUST STANDING THERE, YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT! 44 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 44 As Crash And The Boys climax, Stacey turns to Ramona STACEY So, how do you know Scott? RAMONA He's...um. He's a friend STACEY Hard for me to keep track Sometimes. He has so many friends Ramona arches an eyebrow. Stacey turns to Knives and Tamara STACEY So Knives, how did you meet Scott? Scott looks up into the balcony, sees Stacey talking to Knives. He turns around and slaps Stephen Stills in the face SCOTT We gotta play now and loud! 46 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 46 Stacey and Ramona listen intently to Knives' story KNIVES CHAU Well, I was on the bus with my Mom- Knives freezes, staring at the stage RAMONA Is that seriously the end of the story? KNIVES CHAU OH MY GOSH, they're on! 47 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 47 ONSTAGE: A DISHEVELED PROMOTER walks to the mic PROMOTER This next band is from Toronto And...yeah. So give it up for Sex...Bob-Omb? SEX BOB-OMB walk on. Wallace and Knives give the only cheers STEPHEN STILLS Scott...you ready? Scott nods vigorously STEPHEN STILLS Kim...you rea- KIM PINE WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB. ONE, TWO... ANGLE on Knives. She faints in the excitement KIM PINE (CONT'D) THREE, FOUR! Sex Bob-omb rock out, barely into the first verse when a Chunk of ceiling CRASHES down and a SPINDLY INDIAN HIPSTER KID DIVES HEAD FIRST through the hole, finger pointed at Scott as he sails towards the stage! MATTHEW PATEL lands onstage and glares at Scott through a Lopsided fringe. He wears an evil grin and a jacket that Borders on flamboyant. He drags on a cigarette (blacked out) MATTHEW PATEL Mr. Pilgrim. It is I, Matthew Patel. Consider our fight...begun! SCOTT What did I do? Matthew Patel leaps in the air and sails toward Scott SCOTT What do I do?! WALLACE FIGHT! Scott throws his bass to Young Neil and BLOCKS Patel with his Left arm, then PUNCHES him across the floor with his right Patel LANDS like a cat, FLIPS his fringe and GLARES at Scott MATTHEW PATEL Alright. Alright WALLACE Watch out! It's that one guy! SCOTT Thank you, Wallace! Patel RUNS at Scott. Scott SPIN KICKS Patel in the chin and Sends him flying into the air. They land in THE PIT, knocking Hipsters down and squaring off in the resulting circle MATTHEW PATEL You're quite the opponent, Pilgrim SCOTT Who the hell are you anyway? The LIGHTING GUY spotlights the fighters MATTHEW PATEL My name is Matthew Patel and I'm Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend! SCOTT You're what? MATTHEW PATEL Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend! All eyes WHIP up to Ramona... RAMONA Anyone need another drink? Patel attacks Scott with spin kicks. Scott blocks. Patel Punches. Scott blocks, then holds his hand up for a time-out (CONTINUED) SCOTT We're fighting because of Ramona? MATTHEW PATEL Didn't you get my e-mail explaining The situation? SCOTT I skimmed it MATTHEW PATEL You will pay for your insolence! Patel attacks, landing kicks and punches. Scott evades and Counter-attacks. Patel evades, then lands more punches. Scott Jump-spins away from danger. They pause, breathing heavy WALLACE What's up with his outfit? OTHER HECKLER Yeah! Is he a pirate? Scott looks at Patel's outfit SCOTT Are you a pirate? MATTHEW PATEL Pirates are in this year! Patel attacks again. They exchange furious blows, until Patel Puts Scott in a choke hold. Scott looks up to Ramona SCOTT You really went out with this guy? RAMONA Yeah, in the seventh grade The Lighting Guy SWINGS the spotlight to Ramona in the Balcony. We see a sketchy childlike ANIMATED FLASHBACK RAMONA (CONT'D) It was football season and for some Reason, all the little jocks wanted Me. Matthew was the only non-white Non-jock boy in school, probably in The entire state, so we joined Forces and took 'em all out. We Were one hell of a team. Nothing Could beat Matthew's mystical Powers. Nothing but pre-teen Capriciousness. We only kissed Once. After a week and a half, I Told him to hit the showers The spotlight swings back onto Scott and Patel SCOTT Dude, wait...mystical powers? Patel levitates into the air and points at Ramona MATTHEW PATEL You'll pay for this, Flowers! Patel SNAPS his fingers and launches into a BOLLYWOOD SONG! MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D) If you want to fight me, you're not The brightest. You won't know What's hit you in the slightest Patel levitates into the air. Four hot girls in skirts with Fangs and bat-wings appear in the air around him MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D) Me and my fireballs and my Demon Hipster Chicks, I'm talking the Talk because I know I'm slick Patel and the Demon Hipster Chicks shoot FIREBALLS at Scott He flips back onto the stage, narrowly dodging the attack MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D) Fireball Girls! Take this sucker Down The Demon Hipster Chicks unleash more fireballs. Scott Dodges. The house drum kit is trashed behind him MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D) Let us show him what we're all About Scott hits the ground, dodging a third wave of fireballs They explode Crash and the Boys in the wings SCOTT That doesn't even rhyme Scott rolls across the stage, GRABS one of Kim's CYMBALS and Throws it Captain America style. It hits Patel square in the Eyes. POOF, the Demon Hipster Chicks vanish MATTHEW PATEL This is impossible, how can it be?! Scott leaps into the air. Patel opens his eyes just in time To see Scott Pilgrim's FIST racing towards his face SCOTT Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see K.O! Scott punches Patel. He explodes into COINS. They Clatter to the stage floor. Scott lands and picks them up SCOTT Sweet. Coins 48 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 48 Ramona makes her way out fast. Passes Stacey RAMONA Well, it was great meeting you Tell your gay friends I said bye STACEY Gay friends? Stacey turns to see Wallace and Jimmy making out STACEY WALLACE?! Not again! Ramona passes Knives, who is being resuscitated by Tamara 49 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 49 Scott picks up the coins onstage and counts them SCOTT Aw man. $2.40? That's not even Enough for the bus home RAMONA I'll lend you the 30 cents Ramona yanks Scott away. The Promotor ambles back onstage PROMOTER Yeah...so like, Sex Bob-Omb wins 50 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 50 Knives is now wide awake, clapping wildly from the balcony Her eyes scan the venue for Scott...but he is long gone 51 INT. THE BUS - NIGHT 51 SCOTT Sooooooo... A bemused Scott and mortified Ramona sit on the bus home SCOTT What was all that all about? RAMONA Uh, I guess... Ramona takes a breath. Looks deep into Scott's eyes RAMONA (CONT'D) If we're going to date, you may Have to defeat my seven evil ex's SCOTT You have seven evil ex-boyfriends? RAMONA Seven ex's, yes SCOTT So I have to fight- RAMONA Defeat SCOTT -defeat your seven evil ex's if We're going to continue to date RAMONA Pretty much SCOTT So, what you're saying is... (BEAT) We are dating? RAMONA Uh, I guess SCOTT Cool. Do you want to make out? RAMONA Uh... Scott kisses Ramona. The studio audience 'awwww's 52 OMITTED 52 53 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING 53 A bleary Wallace fries bacon. Scott bursts through the front Door, a spring in his step. The studio audience applauds WALLACE Someone's happy SCOTT Well, someone got to second base Last night. And someone has a Second date tonight WALLACE Someone's lucky then SCOTT You know when I say '˜someone', I mean Me, right? I got to second base last Night...maybe first and a half Wallace shoots a look at the idiotically upbeat Scott SCOTT (CONT'D) Oh, hey, I'm inviting Ramona over for Dinner, so you can't be here tonight I don't want you gaying up the place WALLACE Okay, Scott. But in return I have To issue an ultimatum SCOTT One of your famous ultimatums? WALLACE It may live in infamy...You have to Break up with Knives. Today. Okay? Scott huffs and helps himself to some of Wallace's bacon SCOTT But...but...it's HARD WALLACE If you don't do it, I'm going to Tell Ramona about Knives. I swear To God, Scott SCOTT But you...you're... At this point a sleepy JIMMY wanders out of the bathroom and Helps himself to coffee JIMMY Morning Scott points bacon at Wallace accusingly SCOTT (CONT'D) DOUBLE STANDARD! WALLACE I didn't make up the gay rulebook If you have a problem with it, take It up with Liberace's Ghost SCOTT You're a monster WALLACE Now put the bacon down and go do Your dirt while I watch the Lucas Lee marathon on TBS Superstation SCOTT Who's Lucas Lee? Wallace points to a hunky actor on the cover of NOW magazine WALLACE He was this pretty good skater and Now he's this pretty good actor WALLACE (CONT'D) He's filming a Winifred Hailey Movie in Toronto right now SCOTT They make movies in Toronto? WALLACE Yes. I am stalking him later SCOTT So, this Lucas Lee- WALLACE Lucas Lee is not important to you Right now! Get out SCOTT You suck. Surprising no one Scott grumbles off. Wallace turns the television way up. We See Lucas Lee on a payphone in some crummy thriller LUCAS LEE (ON TV) Listen close and listen hard Bucko. The next click is me hanging Up. The one after that...is me Pulling the trigger 54 EXT. PAYPHONE ON BUSY STREET - DAY 54 A shivering and annoyed Scott dials the payphone SCOTT Oh, hey, Knives. Um, do you want To, like, talk or whatever? KNIVES CHAU (O.S.) Are you wearing a tan jacket? Like A spring jacket? And a hoodie? SCOTT Ummm... Scott checks what he's wearing. SPOOKY MUSIC underscores KNIVES CHAU (O.S.) And a dorky hat?! SCOTT It's not dorky! Why are you psychic? A beaming Knives knocks on the payphone glass SCOTT (CONT'D) Oh. Uh...okay. Hi INTEGRATED FINAL 47 55 INT. SONIC BOOM - DAY 55 The SPOOKY MUSIC continues on in the record store Scott is on edge as Knives geeks over a standee for THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD: it features sultry blonde singer ENVY ADAMS Posing and the rest of the band shrouded in shadow and mist KNIVES CHAU I can't believe they're coming to Town. Will you take me to the show? SCOTT Yeah, listen- The SPOOKY MUSIC gets louder, pounding inside Scott's head KNIVES CHAU Oh, hey, I wanted to invite you Over for dinner SCOTT Like, Chinese food? KNIVES CHAU Yeah SCOTT Hmm. It's not my favorite KNIVES CHAU Yeah. Well, to meet my parents It's my birthday dinner SCOTT Uh...I think that's a really bad Idea. Like, really, just so bad KNIVES CHAU No, it's okay. Why? SCOTT Well I mean, I'm too old for you! KNIVES CHAU No you're not! My Dad is nine years Older than my Mom... SCOTT And...and...are you even allowed to Date outside your race or whatever? KNIVES CHAU I don't care. I'm in...LOVE! 55 CONTINUED: 55 Knives is so smitten, the word actually appears onscreen Scott brushes it away. The SPOOKY MUSIC comes to a stop SCOTT Um, listen...I was thinking we Should break up or whatever KNIVES CHAU Really? SCOTT Yeah...um...it's not going to work out KNIVES CHAU Oh... Scott walks out, leaving Knives in the aisle 56 INT. THE BUS / RECORD STORE - DAY 56 Scott sits on the bus alone, thinking about Knives CROSSCUT with Knives still in the record store, in shock ON THE BUS: Scott sighs, thinks of something happier... CROSSCUT with Ramona: rollerblading, her funky pink hair ON THE BUS: Scott smiles, a little happier 57 INT/EXT. STEPHEN STILLS' BASEMENT - EVENING 57 Sex Bob-Omb tune up. Kim spins a drumstick in her fingers KIM PINE Where's Knives? Not coming tonight? SCOTT Oh. No. We broke up Young Neil PAUSES his DS. Kim and Stills share a look SCOTT (CONT'D) OH! Check it out, I learned the Bass line from Final Fantasy 2 Scott plays the insanely simple video game tune KIM PINE Scott, you are the salt of the earth SCOTT Aw, thanks KIM PINE Wait. I meant scum of the earth SCOTT Aw, thanks YOUNG NEIL You...you broke up with Knives? SCOTT Yeah, but don't worry, maybe you'll Meet my new new girlfriend soon YOUNG NEIL Newnew Kim mimes shooting herself. Stills unplugs Scott's amp STEPHEN STILLS Okay! From here on out, no GIRLFRIENDS or GIRLFRIEND talk at Practice, whether they're old, new Or new-new. We were lucky to Survive that last round. This is Sudden death now. Okay? SCOTT Okay! DINGY DONG... SCOTT (CONT'D) That's for me Scott opens the door to see Ramona, now sporting BLUE HAIR SCOTT (CONT'D) Hey...you're here? RAMONA Yes. Like you said. Is it not cool? Scott ushers her in, weirded out by this hair development SCOTT You know your hair? RAMONA I know of it SCOTT It's all blue RAMONA Yeah. I just dyed it. Are you going To introduce me? SCOTT Oh yeah, this is Stephen Stills Young Neil, that's... Kim RAMONA Hey everyone Everyone mumbles back. Scott still stares at Ramona's hair SCOTT Is it weird not being pink anymore? RAMONA I change my hair every week and a Half, dude. Get used to it (to Sex Bob-Omb) So...uh...how do you guys all know Each other? YOUNG NEIL High school, I guess? STEPHEN STILLS What Neil said YOUNG NEIL I'm Neil KIM PINE Believe it or not, I actually dated Scott in high school RAMONA Got any embarassing stories? KIM PINE Yeah. He's an idiot Scott fake laughs. Starts ushering Ramona out again SCOTT Okay. Cool. See you guys tomorrow STEPHEN STILLS Uh, what about rehearsal? SCOTT Neil knows my parts YOUNG NEIL (TO STILLS) I'm Neil 58 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 58 Ramona lounges, reading a magazine. A tense Scott hurries Around the kitchen area, preparing food as Wallace looks on WALLACE Are you doing okay there? SCOTT Yeah, good. Good Ramona goes to the bathroom. Scott drops the act SCOTT She changed her hair WALLACE So? It looks nice blue SCOTT I know, but she changed it without Even making a big deal about it She's spontaneous. Impulsive Fickle. Oh my god, what do I do? WALLACE I can't believe you were worried About me gaying up the place Ramona returns. Wallace pulls on a jacket RAMONA How's dinner coming along? SCOTT Yeah, good. Good WALLACE I'll leave you lovebirds to it. I'm Heading up to Casa Loma to stalk my Hetero crush Scott stops Wallace at the door, with a panicked whisper SCOTT Don't go WALLACE Will you man the hell up? You could Get to 2nd and a half base SCOTT You think so? WALLACE Well, if you strike out in the next Hour, come find me at the Castle SCOTT 'œIf I strike out'? WALLACE Okay, 'œwhen'. See you in sixty '15 MINUTES LATER' Ramona and Scott eat on the floor, picnic style. Scott has Cooked garlic bread (and only garlic bread) for dinner RAMONA This is actually really good garlic bread SCOTT Garlic bread is my favorite food. I Could honestly eat it for every Meal. Or just all the time without Even stopping RAMONA You'd get fat SCOTT No. Why would I get fat? RAMONA Bread makes you fat SCOTT Bread makes you FAT?? '15 MINUTES LATER' A nervy Scott serenades Ramona on his bass guitar SCOTT So I wrote a song about you RAMONA Oh yeah? SCOTT Yeah, it goes like this: Ra-mona Ra-mona, Ra-ra-ra, Mona, Ra-mona Ra-mona, Ra-ra-ra, Mona, Ooooh RAMONA I can't wait to hear it when it's Finished SCOTT Finished? '15 MINUTES LATER' Scott makes out with Ramona on the futon. Scott smiles as she Runs her hands through his hair RAMONA Your hair's pretty shaggy SCOTT OH GOD! I NEED A HAIRCUT DON'T I?!? Scott sits up like a shot. Ramona is taken aback RAMONA What? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 53 58 CONTINUED: (4) 58 SCOTT Ha. No, sorry. It's just that I Got... I got a bad haircut right Before me and my big ex broke up. But It's so long ago, I can barely Remember it... A deep voiced NARRATOR chimes in. Earl Jones deep NARRATOR Scott is acutely aware that his last Salon haircut took place exactly 431 Days ago, three hours before his big Breakup. He blames this largely on the Haircut and has been cutting his own Hair ever since RAMONA Sounds like a bad time SCOTT Not really NARRATOR It was SCOTT It was a mutual thing NARRATOR It wasn't SCOTT I mean, she told me it was mutual NARRATOR She dumped him. It was brutal RAMONA What was her name? SCOTT She was Nat when I knew her. But She stopped liking that name Then...she stopped liking me... RAMONA Your hair is cute. I like it long SCOTT But it'd be cuter short! Wouldn't it?! Scott disappears and just as quickly reappears, now wearing His dorky SNOW HAT, hair tucked tightly beneath the flaps RAMONA What? Why are you wearing that? SCOTT I thought we could go for a walk 59 EXT. ENDLESS STAIRWAY - NIGHT 59 '15 MINUTES LATER' Scott and Ramona climb a STAIRWAY, long handrail between them RAMONA Tell me we didn't come out here Just so you could cover your hair With that hat SCOTT Nooo. I just love me some walking Putting one leg in front of the other RAMONA You seem a little...heightened SCOTT Yeah. I don't know. I just, when I'm With you I feel like I'm on drugs. Not That I do drugs, unless you do, in Which case I do drugs all the time Every drug, but...you make me feel...I Don't know. Things seem a little Brighter around you or something Ramona and Scott finally reach the top of the stairs and NIGHT TURNS TO DAY, as if crossing a magical line RAMONA What is this place? SCOTT A totally awesome castle. They're Shooting this movie up here Ramona looks up at the looming CASA LOMA, a castle surrounded By big, bright movie set lights RAMONA Who's in it? SCOTT Winifred Hailey and some actor guy RAMONA Oh, who? SCOTT I forget. Let's find out INTEGRATED FINAL 55 60 EXT. CASA LOMA - CONTINUOUS 60 A crew readies a shot of WINIFRED HAILEY held hostage by some GOON. A STAND IN takes the place of the leading man. Scott And Ramona approach some SPECTATORS, including Wallace RAMONA Did you find the guy you're stalking? WALLACE I think I'm about to right now FIRST A.D Mr. Lee is travelling! RAMONA Mr. Lee? WALLACE Lucas Lee RAMONA Ooh SCOTT Ooh? The UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FANFARE announces LUCAS LEE as he exits His trailer, smoking a cigarette (blacked out). He skates Towards the set, doing kickflips. The spectators go 'œoooh' WALLACE I want to have his adopted babies RAMONA Oh, man. We gotta go SCOTT What? Why? RAMONA I used to date that clown WALLACE Slut RAMONA Wallace. I am not a slut WALLACE I can think of no higher accolade Lucas steps to his mark and puffs up into action hero mode LUCAS LEE Action Lucas Lee points his board at the GOON SCOTT Oh...my...God... LUCAS LEE Hey. The only thing keeping me and Her apart is the two minutes it's Gonna take to kick your ass SCOTT ...you dated a FAMOUS guy?! RAMONA In 9th grade. We had drama. Actually It might have been math. I just Remember there being lots of drama LUCAS LEE HEY!!! Lucas Lee points at Scott, who remains oblivious RAMONA He just followed me around. He was A little snot nosed brat SCOTT He had snot? In his nose? But he's Famous! LUCAS LEE HEY!!! RAMONA It's not a big deal. I only dated Him for a week and a half- LUCAS LEE I'm talking to you Scott Pilgrim! Lucas Lee stomps towards Scott, who gasps SCOTT He's famous and he talked to me! LUCAS LEE The only thing keeping me and her Apart is the two minutes it's gonna Take to kick your ass! SCOTT Can I get- POW! Lucas Lee punches Scott, flooring him. Scott comes back Up with a pen and paper, wobbly SCOTT Can I get your autograph? POW! Lucas Lee PUNCHES Scott again. He nods to Ramona LUCAS LEE Sup. How's life? He seems nice Lucas Lee THROWS Scott up into a castle turret, crumbling it Scotts CRASHES down through scaffolding onto the set. Lucas Holds up his hands for a quick continuity photo, then stomps Over to pick up a dazed Scott from the ground WALLACE Scott. Evil ex. Fight LUCAS LEE Think you stand a chance against an A-lister, bro? Lucas Lee PUNCHES Scott again. He slides across the wet-down Ground. A SET NURSE sprays Lucas' knuckles with antiseptic LUCAS LEE Some competish you are Lucas Lee wanders off. Scott staggers to his feet, punchy SCOTT Hey... hey... hey! I'm not done- Scott spins Lucas around, only to find an identical STAND IN! LUCAS LEE Looks like you're seeing double Scott turns to see the real Lucas, smirking on the sidelines POW! The identical Stand In punches Scott to the ground LUCAS LEE He's good, right? Sometimes I let Him do wide shots if I feel like Getting blazed back in my winnie Scott stands to fight the double. Suddenly, COUNTLESS STUNTMEN fan out behind the STAND IN, all identically Dressed, all carrying skateboards and ready to rumble LUCAS LEE I'm nothing without my stunt team The Stuntmen ATTACK Scott Pilgrim with a howl. Scott PUNCHES Through a couple of the boards, Tae Kwon Doe style WALLACE Ask them how it feels to always get His sloppy seconds! SCOTT How does it feel to- KROW! Scott takes a skateboard to the face, followed by a Barrage of crippling skateboard blows to his knees and ribs LUCAS LEE I'm gonna get coffee. You homies Want anything? We follow the smirking Lucas to the coffee station. We hear The noise of punching and kicking slowly subside to nothing SCOTT Mr. Lee? 60 CONTINUED: (4) 60 Lucas turns, shocked to see Scott, in front of a PAINTED 2-D SKYLINE BACKDROP, surrounded by many unconscious stuntmen SCOTT You're needed back on set Scott CHARGES Lucas Lee and leaps into a FLYING KICK. Lucas GRABS his foot and hurls him through the backdrop. RRRIP! Scott lands in a CRUMP, framed through the torn skyline Lucas stomps over to him, preparing for the deathblow LUCAS LEE Prepare... prepare to feel the wrath Of the League of Evil Exes! SCOTT The League of Evil Axes? LUCAS LEE You really don't know about the "The League"? SCOTT Ummm... LUCAS LEE Seven evil exes? Coming to kill You? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life? SCOTT ...no LUCAS LEE Oh, well then don't worry about it SCOTT Really? LUCAS LEE Yeah, bro. Let's get a beer Lucas offers a hand. Scott goes to shake it. POW! Lucas gets Him square in the mouth. Scott smiles through his aching jaw SCOTT You are a pretty good actor LUCAS LEE I'm going for the Oscar this year SCOTT But are you a pretty good skater? LUCAS LEE I'm more than pretty good, ese I have my own skate company Lucas pulls down his shirt, revealing a skate company tattoo SCOTT So you can sell them, but can you Do a thingy on that rail? Scott points to the LONG HANDRAIL on the stairs LUCAS LEE It's called a grind, bro SCOTT So can you do a grind thingy now? LUCAS LEE Are you serious? There's like 200 Steps and the rails are garbage SCOTT Hey, if it's too hardcore... LUCAS LEE You really think you can goad me Into doing a trick like that? SCOTT There's girls watching LUCAS LEE Somebody get me my board Wallace taps Lucas' shoulder and hands him his skateboard WALLACE Hi. Big fan LUCAS LEE Why wouldn't you be? CLACK! Lucas GOES FOR IT, a perfect ollie onto the rail Scott and Wallace watch as Lucas disappears from sight Sparking down the ENDLESS RAIL...HSSSSSSSSSSSSSS... Cut back to Scott & Wallace, impressed at Lucas SCOTT Wow HSSSSSSSSS... Cut back to Scott & Wallace, very impressed at Lucas SCOTT Wow HSSSSSSSSS... Cut back to Scott & Wallace. Scott's about to say '˜wow' when- BOOOOOOOOM! A fireball appears from the bottom of the stairs WALLACE Wow, he totally bailed SCOTT Yes! Fist bump. Scott smacks his forehead SCOTT I didn't get his autograph FIRST A.D Uh...that's a wrap everybody SCOTT Where's Ramona? Is she still here? WALLACE No, she totally bailed SCOTT What's the deal? Seriously 61 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - DAY 61 Scott slumps on the couch, phone pressed to his ear. Wallace Cooks bacon in the kitchen (no pants). We hear the OUTGOING MESSAGE: This is an automated voice messaging system. RAMONA Is not available, please record your message after the beep SCOTT Hey. It's me, Scott again. Call me Back. Scott Pilgrim (HANGS UP) What's the deal? Seriously Scott ambles over to the fridge and rests his head on it WALLACE Yeah, you said that last night SCOTT You know what really sucks though? WALLACE What? SCOTT Everything! WALLACE Come on guy, you can't say you Didn't see this coming. It was Right under your nose Wallace points to the NOTE Ramona scribbled which is pinned Literally under Scott's nose on the refrigerator: RAMONA FLOWERS, 212 664-7665, xxxxxxx WALLACE What did you think these were? SCOTT Kisses? Seven little kisses? WALLACE Seven deadly X's Wallace cocks an eyebrow. Scott slides to the floor SCOTT Why does everything have to be so Complicated? Wallace crouches down to join Scott on the floor WALLACE If you want something bad, you have To fight for it. Step up your game Break out the L-word SCOTT Lesbian? WALLACE The other L-word SCOTT Lesbians? WALLACE Okay, it's 'œlove'. I wasn't trying To trick you or anything. Look, if She's really the girl of your Dreams, then you have to let her Know. You have to overcome any and All obstacles that lie in your Path. You have the spirit of a Warrior, Scott. You can do it! Be With her! It's your destiny! (BEAT) Plus, I need you to move out Scott's face falls, completely shocked at this bombshell SCOTT What? Why? Are you moving in with Other Scott or Jimmy or someone? WALLACE Or someone. Either way, I'm kind of Banking on her calling you back so I won't have to evict you and feel All guilty and shit RINGY RING. Scott and Wallace look at the phone WALLACE I have a feeling that's for you, guy Scott picks up. A SEXY, NON-RAMONA VOICE REPLIES... VOICE (O.S.) Hey Scott SCOTT ...Envy? WALLACE Oh, shit ENVY (O.S.) It's been a long time SCOTT Yeah ENVY (O.S.) A year I think? SCOTT Approximately ENVY (O.S.) How are you? SCOTT I'm not doing so good right now ENVY (O.S.) That's too bad. Still breaking hearts? SCOTT What? No, stop. I've been-it's been Different. You have no idea ENVY (O.S.) Probably not. Do you have a Girlfriend? Should I be jealous? SCOTT Yes, you should. I have this Totally awesome girlfriend who Calls me all the time. And she's America. Uh. She's American ENVY (O.S.) What's her name? SCOTT I'm not telling you that. Ramona ENVY (O.S.) Oh SCOTT What? Do you know her? ENVY (O.S.) Uh. No SCOTT It sounded like you did ENVY (O.S.) I gotta go. Nice chatting with you SCOTT WAIT- CLICK...Scott slumps to the floor. Wallace appears over him WALLACE Okay. Everything does suck Scott grunts. RINGY RING. Wallace grins and grabs the phone WALLACE Or does it? Scott sits bolt upright, expectant WALLACE Oh, hey Knives Scott lays back down. FUCK WALLACE What's that? You're outside? Scott sits bolt upright again. FUCK! Wallace opens the door a Crack. Knives shivers outside, pale and broken looking KNIVES CHAU Is Scott here? WALLACE You know what? Behind Wallace, we see Scott LEAP through a window head First. GLASS SMASHES WALLACE (CONT'D) He just left Knives sighs. Scott sprints away in the background A62 EXT. STREET - DAY A62 Scott walks fast down the street, freaked out and paranoid He sees five '˜X's looming above him on a pedestrian crossing And quickly diverts into an... 62 EXT. ALLEY - DAY 62 Scott rips the '˜X-Men' patch off his jacket, when- (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 63A 62 CONTINUED: 62 WHZZZ - SOMETHING buzzes past Scott. He looks around SCOTT Dude WHOOSH - another blast of air whizzes by SCOTT Please (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 64 62 CONTINUED: (2) 62 SHFFF - SOMETHING sweeps him off his feet. He's pissed now SCOTT I'm really not in the mood SHWAA - SOMETHING slices the air in front of Scott SCOTT Okay, enough! Scott punches the air in front of him. Hits SOMETHING. A DIMINUTIVE DIRTY BLONDE dressed in a punk rock kung fu get up Lands on the ground with a thump. She spins to face Scott MYSTERY ATTACKER You punched me in the boob. Prepare To die, obviously SCOTT Listen, I've had it today. Can we Not do this right now? ALT #1: MYSTERY ATTACKER (DIXIELAND ACCENT) Love to postpone, darlin', but I Just cashed my last raincheck SCOTT What's that from? MYSTERY ATTACKER (OWN VOICE) My brain! SCOTT Well whatever this is about, can it Wait till I'm in the right frame of Mind? ALT #2: MYSTERY ATTACKER Nuh uh. This is one nightmare you Can't wake up from SCOTT Wait, am I asleep right now? MYSTERY ATTACKER No SCOTT So, technically this is not a Nightmare MYSTERY ATTACKER Right SCOTT So how can I not wake up? If I'm Not actually asleep MYSTERY ATTACKER Don't question me! Scott shakes his head, baffled SCOTT Well, I'm really, really not up for This. Whatever it is MYSTERY ATTACKER Okay little chicken, then I'll see You later. But you won't see me Because I'll be deadly serious next Time SCOTT What? MYSTERY ATTACKER Nevermind! PAF - the Mystery Attacker vanishes. Scott looks to the sky SCOTT Oh man. Someone help me 63 EXT. BLOOR STREET - DAY 63 Scott is in his usual payphone, dialing Stacey frantically SCOTT It's Scott STACEY (O.S.) What did he do this time? SCOTT No, it's Scott. It's actually me STACEY (O.S.) What did you do this time? SCOTT I didn't do anything. It's everyone Else that's crazy SCOTT (CONT'D) Look I need to talk to you, I'm Having a meltdown or whatever. Are You still working? STACEY (O.S.) I'm literally about to leave SCOTT Cool, I'm coming in Scott hangs up the phone and walks two steps into- 64 INT. THE SECOND CUP - CONTINUOUS 64 Scott approaches the counter. Stacey has her back turned SCOTT Think I'll make it a decaf today Stacey turns around, revealing herself to be JULIE! JULIE SCOTT PILGRIM! SCOTT AH! What did you do with my sister? Stacey taps on the window outside, mouthing that she has to Go. Scott turns back to Julie, not happy JULIE What can I fucking get you? SCOTT Is there anywhere you don't work? JULIE They're called 'jobs', something a Fuckball like you wouldn't know Anything about. And by the way, I Can't believe you fucking asked Ramona out after I specifically Told you not to fucking do that! (Note to concerned reader: Everytime Julie says "FUCK", a Black bar comes out of her mouth and the sound is bleeped.) SCOTT How do you do that with your mouth? JULIE Neverfuckingmind how I do it! What Do you have to say for yourself? SCOTT Uh. Can I get a caramel macchiato? JULIE Maybe it's high fucking time you Took a look in a mirror before you Wreak havoc on another girl SCOTT Me? Wreak havoc? Julie points at THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD poster behind the Counter with concert dates at the bottom JULIE Fucking speaking of fucking which I hear the girl that kicked your Heart in the ass is walking the Streets of Toronto again SCOTT So I can pick up my coffee over Here? Scott retreats away from Julie and bumps right into... RAMONA. They share an awkward moment. She looks at the floor RAMONA Sorry that got a little crazy last Night SCOTT Yeah. You kind of disappeared RAMONA Yeah, I do that. Listen, I know It's hard to be around me Sometimes. I'll understand if you Don't want to hang anymore SCOTT No. No, I want to hang. The whole Evil ex-boyfriend thing. No biggie RAMONA Exes SCOTT I mean, I know it's early days, but I don't think anything can really Get in the way of how I SHIT! Scott hides behind Ramona as a lithe figure emerges from the Steamed-milk mists of the coffee shop...the singer from THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD has seemingly stepped out of the poster "ENVY ADAMS, 23, FUN FACT: KICKED SCOTT'S HEART IN THE ASS." The icy, platinum blonde fashionista walks towards Scott (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 67 64 CONTINUED: (2) 64 SCOTT (CONT'D) It's my ex RAMONA The big one? Scott nods. LEONE STAREDOWN between Envy and Ramona RAMONA I'm gonna...excuse me Ramona goes to order coffee, leaving Envy to fix on Scott ENVY Your hair is getting shaggy REVERSE: Scott is instantly wearing his DORKY HAT SCOTT Yeah? ENVY So. That's Ramona? SCOTT Yeah ENVY Okay, I'm jealous SCOTT YOU'RE jealous? ENVY I'm allowed SCOTT You left me! For that cocky pretty boy! ENVY You've never even seen him SCOTT Yeah. I know. You left me for a guy I've never even seen ENVY Maybe you'll see him soon. We're Playing Lee's Palace. You guys Should like, so totally come SCOTT That's so not going to happen ENVY Great. You're so on the list (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 68 64 CONTINUED: (3) 64 Envy disappears into the cappucino mists. Ramona returns JULIE Caramel Fuckiato for fuck Pilgrim! SCOTT (TO RAMONA) It's pronounced 'œScott' 65 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY 65 Scott and Ramona walk side by side, sipping their coffees RAMONA So...that was Nat? SCOTT No, that was Envy RAMONA So...what did you guys talk about? SCOTT She's totally jealous of you RAMONA Envy's jealous? How about that? SCOTT Yeah. How. About. That RAMONA What happened with the two of you? SCOTT Do you mind if we don't get into That right now? (BEAT) She wanted to move to Montreal Because she missed her best friend This guy Todd RAMONA And two weeks later, you heard they Were sleeping together I guess? SCOTT Basically RAMONA I dated a Todd once. That didn't End well either SCOTT I can see how it sucks. Having the Past come back to haunt you RAMONA Is it wrong that I try not to think About it? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 69 65 CONTINUED: (2) 65 SCOTT What do you want to think about? RAMONA How warm my place is right now Ramona stops and kisses him 66 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 66 Scott lies between Wallace and Other Scott on the futon OTHER SCOTT And you didn't bang her? Are you gay? SCOTT I couldn't stop thinking about my Stupid ex-girlfriend A bleary Jimmy sits up between them all JIMMY Is that the Uma Thurman movie? WALLACE Scott. Just because Envy's back in Town doesn't make it not over SCOTT Double negative. Tricky OTHER SCOTT It's over. Move on WALLACE Word JIMMY Mm Scott stands (no pants). Music swells SCOTT Right. I'm not gonna let her toy With me. From this moment on, I Will think of Envy Adams no more! 67 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - DAY 67 STEPHEN STILLS I have distressing news A deadly serious Stephen Stills addresses Kim, Scott and Young Neil. Ramona lounges on the couch... (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 69A 67 CONTINUED: 67 KIM PINE Is the news that we suck? Because I Really don't think I can take it STEPHEN STILLS No. The Clash At Demonhead are Doing a secret show tomorrow night And Envy asked us to open for them (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 70 67 CONTINUED: (2) 67 SCOTT I hate you STEPHEN STILLS A gig is a gig is a gig. Is a gig Maybe you can put your history Aside until we get through this Thing. You know, for the band? For The band. For the band? SCOTT Can't we do our own secret shows? All our shows are secret shows STEPHEN STILLS We're doing it. G-man might be There! We play the next round of The battle Saturday. We need to get Some buzz going. We need Groundswell. We need stalkers Stills paces past the window to reveal...KNIVES CHAU OUTSIDE CRASH ZOOM on her tearful face, pressed against the window TOTALLY CRUSHED to see Scott cuddling with Ramona SCOTT What would you do? If your ex was In a band and they wanted you to Open for them? RAMONA If my ex was in the band? SCOTT Yeah RAMONA It might be a little awkward. But Maybe it's the grown up thing to do SCOTT Yeah, we're all adults right? 68 INT. DRUG SMART - EVENING 68 KNIVES frantically rifles through racks of hair dye and rants Furiously into her cellphone KNIVES CHAU He's dating a fat-ass hipster chick! I hate his stupid guts! I'm gonna Disembowel him! INTEGRATED FINAL 71 68A INT. KNIVES' BEDROOM - EVENING 68A Knives stands on her bed and continues ranting at Tamara KNIVES CHAU He only likes her cause she's old! She's probably like 25! She's just Some fat-ass white girl, you know? TAMARA I think you mentioned she was fa- 68B INT. KNIVES' BATHROOM - EVENING 68B Tamara helps Knives color her hair under the bathtub spigot KNIVES CHAU She's got a head start! I didn't Even know there WAS good music Until like two months ago! Okay This really burns TAMARA We should rinse- KNIVES CHAU I mean, he knew I was cool but he Thought I was too young, so he Tried to find someone cool but old TAMARA She's cool? I thought she was fat- KNIVES CHAU Well she THINKS she's cool. This is All her fault TAMARA Why? Tamara turns the faucet on and rinses Knives hair KNIVES CHAU It MUST be her fault. Obviously It's just a twist of fate or Whatever, isn't it? Star crossed Lovers! Born too late! Knives looks in the mirror: HER HAIR IS EXACTLY LIKE RAMONA KNIVES CHAU (CONT'D) Oh God...I look so...so good Knives throws a long scarf on, looking sexy, eyes narrowing (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 72 68B CONTINUED: 68B KNIVES CHAU (CONT'D) Scott Pilgrim destroyed my heart But I know how to get him back PUSH into Knives, as she plots. Tamara pops into frame TAMARA How? We see a TEXT MESSAGE typing onscreen: 'œYUNG NEIL ITZ KNIVES. OMFG UR SO HOTT' 69 EXT. LEE'S PALACE - NIGHT 69 A huge line of TOO COOL YOUTHS snakes outside a rock venue. A Sign reads '˜THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD - Sold out' We hear loud music blasting through the open doors 70 INT. LEE'S PALACE - CONTINUOUS 70 The LOUD MUSIC stops abruptly. Sex Bob-Omb bow onstage STEPHEN STILLS Thank you. We were Sex Bob-Omb Wallace and Other Scott clap and cheer, drunk. The other Snobbish kids in the audience shrug and disperse STEPHEN STILLS We got some merch out the back, so- (to Scott and Kim) Okay. Bar. Now 71 INT. LEE'S PALACE - LATER 71 A disillusioned Sex Bob-Omb hang with Ramona at the bar STEPHEN STILLS Level with me. Did we suck? RAMONA I don't know. Did you? STEPHEN STILLS She has to go. She knows we suck Ramona excuses herself INTEGRATED FINAL 73 72 INT. LEE'S PALACE, LADIES BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER 72 Ramona does her eyeliner. She looks in the mirror to see two Images of herself staring back. Or is it... "KNIVES CHAU, 17, SINGLE WHITE ASIAN" with identical hair Clothes and makeup, standing next to Ramona, looking hot KNIVES CHAU Hey Ramona RAMONA Hey Ramona exits, confused. Knives follows RAMONA What the hell? 73 INT. LEE'S PALACE - MOMENTS LATER 73 Ramona and Knives exit the bathroom together. Scott breaks Into a cold sweat. Knives shoots Scott a sultry look KNIVES CHAU Hey Scott Knives heads into Young Neil's arms at the other end of the Bar. Scott struggles with something resembling jealousy SCOTT What the hell? KIM PINE Look who Knives is hanging with RAMONA Who is that girl again? STEPHEN STILLS Scottdatedher SCOTT Briefly. Briefly KIM PINE I bet Young Neil will date her even Briefly-er RAMONA How old is she? A 'œWHEEL OF FORTUNE' spins INSIDE SCOTT'S HEAD, with Selections such as 'œIt was nothing' and 'œShe was nobody.' The Wheel sticks between 'œI gotta pee.' and 'œWho, her?' SCOTT I gotta pee on her (turns beet red) I mean, I gotta pee. Pee time (SING SONGY) Peee time 74 INT. LEE'S PALACE, MENS BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER 74 Scott washes his hands and looks up to see TWO SCOTTS staring Back, one with fringed hair and a wicked glare! Scott whips around. He's alone. SPOOKY MUSIC begins... 75 INT. LEE'S PALACE - MOMENTS LATER 75 A freaked out Scott returns to the group. The lights dim and The stage fills with twisting blue tendrils of smoke THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD materialize, ENVY in a long black Coat. Knives screams her teen brains out The BASS PLAYER steps into the light, no longer shrouded in Dry ice, he cuts a handsome, striking ROCK GOD figure SCOTT That guy on bass? That's Todd RAMONA I know ENVY Oh yeah... SCOTT You know? ENVY Oh yeah... Todd flips his fringe from his eyes. Stares at Scott "TODD INGRAM, 25, EVIL-EX #3, FUN FACT: 9TH DEGREE VEGAN" SCOTT Oh no Envy lets her coat slip off, revealing a stunning figure (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 74A 75 CONTINUED: 75 ENVY OH YYYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! 76 INT. LEE'S PALACE - LATER 76 Sex Bob-Omb, Knives and Ramona hang near the BACKSTAGE doors (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 75 76 CONTINUED: 76 KNIVES CHAU Oh my God. Just oh my God YOUNG NEIL Man, you have to see them live They're so much better live. Oh SCOTT I think I'm going to throw up Julie opens the backstage door and huffs JULIE I can't believe I'm even saying This, but Envy Adams would like all Of you to come backstage SCOTT All of us? JULIE Did I fucking stutter? The group shuffles backstage. Scott hangs his head like a Condemned man KNIVES CHAU How do you know Envy??? YOUNG NEIL Scottdatedher Knives makes a face that looks like this: >:O !!!! 77 INT. LEE'S PALACE, RATTY BACKSTAGE AREA - NIGHT 77 SEX BOB-OMB lounge on a couch on one side of the room. Envy Todd and Julie lounge on a couch across from them Knives in shock as she thinks a thousand thoughts. Envy burns A hole through Scott. Everyone else feels...'œAWKWARD' TODD INGRAM Hey Ramona RAMONA Hey Todd TODD INGRAM Been a while RAMONA Mmm hmm TODD INGRAM Mmm hmm RAMONA (whispers to Scott) I think we should get out of here JULIE How was the tour? You played with The Pixies? You're a superstar now! ENVY It's-yeah, it's not something I can Really put into words KNIVES CHAU Um...Envy? I read your blog Todd and Julie glare at Knives ENVY So...Scott and Ramona eh? RAMONA What of it? ENVY You guys are a cute couple, you Know? You suit each other STEPHEN STILLS So what's your ulterior motive Envy, in general? JULIE She doesn't need ulterior motives Stephen. She's got a write-up in Spin! KNIVES CHAU You're my role model Envy ENVY Just saying, cute couple. I like your Outfit Ramona. Affordable? JULIE I was going to say, Envy. Did you Get those jeans in New York, they're- ENVY I'm talking to Ramona right now JULIE Ramona lived in New York ENVY I was just there. We played the Chaos Theatre for Gideon. You know Him, right? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 76A 77 CONTINUED: (2) 77 Scott looks at Ramona. She is about to answer when...Knives Stands up, POINTS at Envy and SCREAMS- KNIVES CHAU I'VE KISSED THE LIPS THAT KISSED YOU! (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 77 77 CONTINUED: (3) 77 Envy nods at Todd. He PUNCHES KNIVES SQUARE IN THE JAW! OMFG! Scott jumps to his feet, FACING OFF against Todd Ingram SCOTT Knives!? Young Neil rushes to Knives' aid. Scott boils. Todd smirks TODD INGRAM That's right. I'm not afraid to hit A girl. I'm a rock star YOUNG NEIL You punched the highlights out of Her hair! ANGLE on Knives. Her hair is black and plain as before YOUNG NEIL He punched the highlights. Out. Of Her. Hair ENVY You're incorrigible TODD INGRAM I don't know the meaning of the word Young Neil escorts Knives out. Todd sits back down like Nothing happened. Scott's face is a bright shade of rage JULIE So, are you guys doing anything fun While you're in town? TODD INGRAM Fun? In Toronto? SCOTT That is IT, you cocky cock! YOU'LL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY! Scott LEAPS across the table and SWINGS a punch at Todd Todd THRUSTS a hand out and telekinetically FREEZES SCOTT IN THE AIR. Scott hovers, grasping his neck, choking. Todd's Hair magically forms into a FAUXHAWK SCOTT KK...my neck...yy...your hair... ENVY Didn't you know? Todd's Vegan TODD INGRAM It's not a big deal (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 78 77 CONTINUED: (4) 77 Todd telekinetically HURLS Scott through the club's wall! Ramona and Sex Bob-Omb peer through the newly made hole in The wall, to see Scott sprawled on some trash bags. He tries To keep cool, despite being in a lot of pain SCOTT No kidding...anyone can be...vegan TODD INGRAM Ovo-lacto vegetarian maybe SCOTT Ovo what? TODD INGRAM I partake not in the meat nor Breastmilk or ovum of any creature That has a face ENVY Short answer: Being vegan just Makes you better than most people TODD INGRAM Bingo Todd lifts up Scott telekinetically and throws him miles into The air. Scott sails out of shot and into space STEPHEN STILLS Hey man, question. I always Wondered, how does not eating dairy Products give you psychic powers? TODD INGRAM You know how you only use ten Percent of your brain? Well, it's Because the other 90% is filled up With curds and whey KIM PINE Did you learn that at Vegan Academy? TODD INGRAM Go ahead and get snippy baby, if You knew the science, maybe I'd Listen to a word you're saying Scott returns to earth with a THUMP. He moans in pain. While The others bicker, Ramona helps Scott to his feet SCOTT If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain? RAMONA It's not raining SCOTT Oh. How about you give me the Cliff Notes on how and why you ended up Dating this a-hole? RAMONA Is that really important right now? SCOTT If there's a key element in his Backstory that can help me out in a Critical moment of not dying? Yes A brief, scrappy ANIMATED FLASHBACK of Young Todd and Ramona RAMONA I was only dating Lucas until the Minute Todd walked by. I guess That's not very nice, but I used to Be kind of...like that Young Ramona shoves Young Lucas down a hill and starts making Out with Young Todd RAMONA We hated everyone. We wrecked Stuff. Nobody cared Young Ramona and Young Todd wreck stuff. Nobody cares RAMONA He punched a hole in the moon for Me. It was pretty crazy Young Todd punches a hole in the moon. It's pretty crazy RAMONA A week and a half later, he told me His Dad was sending him to the Vegan Academy, so I dumped him Does that help you at all? The FLASHBACK ends. Scott can only fixate on one aspect SCOTT Have you dumped everyone you've Ever been with? You've never been The dumpee? Ramona shrugs RAMONA Look, I've dabbled with being a Bitch. It's part of the reason I Moved here. I was really hoping to Put it all behind me 77 CONTINUED: (7) 77 Todd appears behind Ramona - ready for another round TODD INGRAM We have unfinished business, I and he! Scott stands up - sort of ready for another round SCOTT He and me TODD INGRAM Don't you talk to me about grammar! SCOTT I...dislike you. Capiche? Understand? TODD INGRAM Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday SCOTT What? TODD INGRAM Because you'll be dust by Monday SCOTT Um... TODD INGRAM Because I'll be pulverizing you in Two seconds. And the cleaning Lady...cleans up...dust. She dusts SCOTT Sorry, so what's on Monday? TODD INGRAM Cos it's Friday now and she has Weekends off, so...Monday. Right? ENVY Basically, you can't win this fight And you'll have to give up on this Girl, '˜cos Todd is going to kill You SCOTT You used to be so...nice! Scott CHARGES at Todd, who PSYCH-THROWS him back into the Club. We hear a distant CRUMP. Stills calls through the hole STEPHEN STILLS Uh, we're going to Pizza Pizza for A slice, call us when you're done (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 80A 77 CONTINUED: (8) 77 ENVY Oh, he'll be done real soon (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 81 77 CONTINUED: (9) 77 Sex Bob-Omb skulks away. Envy grins at Ramona, wicked ENVY Sorry, baby. Crummy way to end Things, I know Suddenly, the bass-line from FINAL FANTASY 2 rumbles through The walls. Todd calls to a roadie TODD INGRAM Get me my bass. The good one 78 INT. LEE'S PALACE - CONTINUOUS 78 SCOTT stands in an elephant's graveyard of plastic cups and Bottles, picking the hell out of his bass, amp pegged to 10 TODD INGRAM levitates, floating towards Scott with his bass TODD INGRAM You're going down. Vegan Style! Todd lands in front of Scott. BASS OFF! PICKS STRIKE STRING! Todd easily out-basses Scott, shredding him into oblivion The enormous reverb LAUNCHES club debris towards Scott SCOTT The reverb is hurting my soul!!! Scott slides across the floor and slams right into the wall Todd LEVITATES, fauxhawk rising. He hovers next to him TODD INGRAM That's right, Pilgrim. I actually Know how to play bass Todd DETUNES his bass and delivers a death note that BLOWS Scott right through the stage wall 79 INT. LEE'S PALACE, RATTY BACKSTAGE AREA- CONTINUOUS 79 Scott crashes into a backstage food table. Todd floats toward Him, savoring the kill. Envy appears beside him with a smirk TODD INGRAM I can read your thoughts. Your bass Hand is badly injured. You're through Scott turns around on his knees, cringing, holding a cup of MILKY LOOKING COFFEE in either hand as a peace offering SCOTT What say we drink to my memory? Fair trade blend with soymilk? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 81A 79 CONTINUED: 79 ENVY I'm sorry, but that's pathetic (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 82 79 CONTINUED: (2) 79 TODD INGRAM Dude. I can see in your mind's eye That you poured Half & Half into one Of these coffees in an attempt to Make me break vegan edge. I'll take The one with soy. Thanks, tool Todd floats to the ground, takes one of the cups and drinks SCOTT Actually, I poured soy in this cup But thought real hard about pouring it In that one. You know, in my mind's Eye or whatever TODD INGRAM What are you talking about? SCOTT You just drank Half & Half TWO TRENDY POLICE TYPES BUST IN THROUGH THE WALL, making two More holes and pointing their fingers like deadly weapons VEGAN POLICE OFFICERS Freeze! Vegan Police! VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #1 Todd Ingram, you're under arrest For veganity violation code number 827, imbibement of Half & Half! TODD INGRAM That's bullroar! VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #1 No vegan diet, no vegan powers TODD INGRAM But this is a first offense! Don't I get three strikes? Vegan Police Officer #2 flips open his CODE VIOLATION book VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #2 At 12:27 a.m. on February 1st, you Knowingly ingested Gelato TODD INGRAM Gelato isn't vegan? VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #1 Milk and eggs, bitch VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #2 On April 4th, 7:30 p.m., you partook A plate of Chicken Parmesan (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 83 79 CONTINUED: (3) 79 Envy gasps, disgusted TODD INGRAM Chicken isn't vegan? VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #1 The deveganizing ray! Hit him The Vegan Police BLAST Todd with arcs of power from their Finger guns. Todd's fauxhawk deflates into a bowl cut TODD INGRAM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Scott rises into a stance to deliver his killer line... SCOTT You once were a vegone, but now you Will be gone! TODD INGRAM Vegone? Scott HEADBUTTS TODD, exploding him! POOM! Scott dusts Himself off as COINS rain down. Envy stares, jaw ajar SCOTT Uh, sorry I guess ENVY Sorry? You just headbutted my Boyfriend so hard he burst SCOTT You kicked my heart in the ass. So I guess we're even. Natalie ENVY No one calls me that anymore SCOTT Maybe they should. Now let's get Out of here A battle worn Scott limps through the hole in the wall Ramona follows, shooting Envy a look on the way out RAMONA Crummy way to end things, I know Envy blinks, in shock. Julie pops into shot (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 84 79 CONTINUED: (4) 79 JULIE For the record, I am so pissed off For you right now ENVY Shut the fuck up, Julie 80 INT. PIZZA PIZZA - NIGHT 80 Sex Bob-Omb, Wallace and Other Scott munch pizza slices Ramona and Scott, on the fringes. It's an odd mood WALLACE Envy Adams. I hate that bitch so Much I kind of love her OTHER SCOTT Yeah. That Todd guy was cool too And hot. I liked him Scott sighs and holds a cold Coke Zero on his forehead RAMONA Are you okay? SCOTT Uh huh RAMONA You sure about that? SCOTT Do I look like I'm not okay? Scott does not look okay. Stills coughs STEPHEN STILLS We're still going to the after show Right? KIM PINE I'm not sure it's gonna be much of A party, I think a third of the Band just went 'œpoom' STEPHEN STILLS Cool bands never go to their own After parties. It's just the Desperate people trying to rub Elbows with label guys KIM PINE Then why would we...oh STEPHEN STILLS Neil, you down? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 85 80 CONTINUED: 80 Neil is at the counter with a catatonic Knives. He shrugs STEPHEN STILLS (CONT'D) Scott? You're in right? RAMONA Do you want to go? SCOTT I kind of almost died back there, so... RAMONA I'm not saying I want to go SCOTT Hey, we can totally go RAMONA I'll do whatever you want to do SCOTT So let's go Scott takes another bite. Other Scott whispers to Wallace OTHER SCOTT Are Scott and Ramona fighting? WALLACE Not to my knowledge OTHER SCOTT Oh WALLACE I mean, not with fists OTHER SCOTT Oh WALLACE Yet OTHER SCOTT Ooh 81 EXT. AFTER PARTY - NIGHT 81 The whole gang trudge to the after party. Scott limps a bit Lagging behind. Ramona falls back with him RAMONA We really don't have to go to this Thing. It'll probably be a bad Scene all around and we've already Had a full night (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 85A 81 CONTINUED: 81 SCOTT No, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just- RAMONA It's just...? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 86 81 CONTINUED: (2) 81 SCOTT Well, not that fighting harder and Harder battles for your love is Getting old or anything...but have You ever dated someone who wasn't a Total ass? RAMONA So far you're not a total ass SCOTT But I'm part ass? RAMONA If it makes you feel better, you're The nicest guy I've dated SCOTT Wait...is that good? RAMONA It's what I need right now SCOTT But not...later? RAMONA Scott, I don't have all the Answers. I'd just like to live in The moment if I can SCOTT Yeah, I'd just like to live Scott and Ramona enter a big, fartsy, artsy WAREHOUSE 82 INT. AFTER PARTY - CONTINUOUS 82 RAMONA Okay, I know Todd was bad news. But Are you saying Envy wasn't? We all Have baggage SCOTT My baggage doesn't try and kill me Every five minutes. What did you do To your ex-boyfriends to make them So insane? RAMONA Exes SCOTT WHATEVER- (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 87 82 CONTINUED: 82 RAMONA No break up is painless. Someone Always gets hurt. What about you And that girl Knives? SCOTT Knives? RAMONA Who broke up with who? SCOTT I believe...I broke up with her RAMONA And was she cool with that? SCOTT Knives is with Young Neil now She's totally cool with it They pass Knives and Young Neil. She seemingly has no Interest in her date and simply stares at Scott lovingly RAMONA You sure about that? SCOTT Yeah. She's very mature for her Age. It was a very healthy break Up. We're all peaches and gravy We hear an offscreen distant '˜nooooo' from Knives RAMONA And what about you and Kim? They pass Kim. She's also staring at Scott. Not lovingly SCOTT Me and Kim? I can barely remember Why, is it important? RAMONA Hey, you want to know everything About my past, dude SCOTT It was just...yeah. I don't know It was high school. She had Freckles. It was cool, I guess RAMONA That's it? SCOTT Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 88 82 CONTINUED: (2) 82 Scott and Ramona have reached the bar at the party RAMONA That's really the whole story? SCOTT OKAY! I had to fight a dude to get With her! I fought a crazy eighty Foot tall purple suited dude! And I Had to fight 96 guys to get to him Too! He was flying and shooting Lightning bolts from his eyes! He Was totally awesome and I kicked Him so far he saw the curvature of The earth! Does that make you feel Any better? RAMONA Well now you are being a total ass Welcome to the club In the back glass of the bar, Scott sees his reflection: Fringed hair, wicked glare. He catches himself SCOTT Sorry. I'm not usually like this RAMONA Hey, don't worry. I don't know what I'm like anymore SCOTT I guess this whole ex-boyfriends thing Is really messing with my head RAMONA Exes SCOTT Why do you keep saying- PAF! A foot appears out of nowhere and KICKS Scott in the Head, sending him flying across the dance floor Scott looks up at his opponent, the MYSTERY ATTACKER! SCOTT (CONT'D) Girl from earlier? RAMONA Roxy? Scott gets up. The three square off in a triangle SCOTT You know this girl? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 89 82 CONTINUED: (3) 82 ROXY Oh boy, does she know me SCOTT What...is...she...talking about? ROXY He really doesn't know? SCOTT (ping!) You and her?! 'œROXY RICHTER, 23, 4TH EVIL EX : SAPPHIC AGGRESSIVE.' RAMONA It was just a phase ROXY Just a phase? SCOTT You had a sexy phase? RAMONA I didn't think it would count! It Meant nothing ROXY It meant nothing??? RAMONA I was just a little bi-curious ROXY Well honey, I'm a little bi-furious! Roxy throws a SCORPION KICK at Scott's face. Ramona CATCHES Her foot mid-air. Roxy flips out of the hold RAMONA Do that again and I will end you ROXY Back off hasbian. If Gideon can't Have you, no one can. The League Hath spoken The girls square off, clearing the busy dance floor RAMONA Then Gideon best get his pretentious Ass up here, '˜cos I'm about to kick Yours out of the Great White North (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 90 82 CONTINUED: (4) 82 ROXY You unbelievable bitch RAMONA pulls a LARGE HAMMER from her purse RAMONA Believe it An embarrassed Scott watches with the rest of the crowd SCOTT Wallace? WALLACE Uh huh? SCOTT This is happening right? WALLACE Uh huh SCOTT I mean, this is live? WALLACE Oh yeah. KICK HER IN THE BALLS RAMONA! With blinding speed, Roxy slips her belt off and WHIPS A RAZOR SHARP FLYING GUILLOTINE BELT BUCKLE at Ramona! Ramona CARTWHEELS as the buckle sails between her legs and SMASHES Into a DISCO BALL. Mirrored shards fly everywhere PAF! Roxy vanishes as Ramona SWINGS the hammer at her. It Smashes a speaker. Sound on one side of the room cuts out Ramona turns around just in time to see Roxy's deadly belt SAILING towards her. She BLOCKS with the hammer. The belt Wraps around it. Roxy HURLS the hammer out the window ROXY I'm sending you back to Gideon in a Thousand pieces, you slag Ramona springs off of various pieces of furniture, LEAPING Towards Roxy and PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE. Roxy REELS and SLAMS into the wall, leaving a dent in it RAMONA I'd rather be dead than go back He's a creep, you're a bitch and You all deserve each other ROXY Give it a rest, Ramona. This is a League game (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 90A 82 CONTINUED: (5) 82 RAMONA Meaning? Roxy points an accusing finger at the mortified Scott ROXY Meaning your precious Scott must Defeat me with his own fists. Or Possibly feet (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 91 82 CONTINUED: (6) 82 SCOTT I'm not sure I can hit a girl They're soft RAMONA You don't have a choice Ramona positions Scott into a fighting stance as Roxy CHARGES With deadly intent. Ramona puppeteers Scott into a furious Volley of PUNCHES on Roxy. She staggers, winces ROXY Fight your own battles, lazy ass! PAF! Roxy disappears then REAPPEARS between Scott and Ramona Kicking them apart with the splits. Roxy then KICKS Scott Into the ceiling. He lands HARD on the floor ROXY (CONT'D) Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his Journey. Some sooner than others Roxy lifts her leg over her head, preparing to drop her boot Of DEATH on Scott's head. She grins at Ramona ROXY (CONT'D) Your B.F's about to get F'd in the B! RAMONA Her weak point's the back of her knees! SCOTT What? How does that work? RAMONA Whenever we were making out, I- SCOTT Okay As Roxy's leg descends, Scott reaches up with one finger and Lightly TICKLES the back of Roxy's knee GRAPHIC: 'œTICKLE TICKLE!' ROXY Oh... Roxy falls, still in the splits, throbbing with orgasmic Meltdown. Scott watches as Roxy giggles between spasms ROXY (CONT'D) You'll...never...be able to do this To herrrrrrrrrrr! Roxy screams in ecstasy before EXPLODING into COINS. A spent Scott is left standing in the middle of the room (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 91A 82 CONTINUED: (7) 82 The party starts up again, a wave of gossip spreading around The room. People text furiously and point fingers at Scott (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 92 82 CONTINUED: (8) 82 Scott flushes red and retreats back to the bar. Ramona Follows tentatively. The gossip echoes around them RAMONA Sooooo... SCOTT Two gin and tonics please RAMONA I thought you didn't drink SCOTT Only on special occasions. Why? Did You want one? Scott swigs down his drink. Ramona tries to lighten things RAMONA I guess we really don't know that Much about each other do we? Scott seems immediately drunk SCOTT Maybe you could just give me a list Of all your exes so at least I know Who's going to beat my ass into the Ground next RAMONA Oh, like a handy little laminate or Something? Let me see if I can find one (looks through bag) Maybe we could exchange our information Scott has already downed his second drink SCOTT Just out of sheer curiosity and Concern for my mortal well-being Is there anyone at this party you Haven't slept with? EVERY GUY AND GIRL AT THE PARTY HEY! Ramona stops. Looks hurt. She touches her hair RAMONA I really think we should split SCOTT As in '˜get out of here'? Or as in '˜split split'? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 92A 82 CONTINUED: (9) 82 RAMONA I'd hope you could figure that out Or did you miss the part where I Saved your ass? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 93 82 CONTINUED: (10) 82 SCOTT How could I not? I feel like we just Washed our sexy laundry in public RAMONA Dirty laundry. You're drunk SCOTT (holds up 2 fingers) I've had like one drink RAMONA Well I'm sorry I cared. I don't Enjoy all this Scott. In fact I'm Sick of it. I thought you might be More understanding SCOTT I JUST- RAMONA You're just another evil ex- Boyfriend waiting to happen Ramona walks off and loudly announces RAMONA (CONT'D) And yes, there is someone at this Party I haven't slept with. You Ramona leaves. Another crescendo of gossip echoes around the Room. Scott's friends gather round in a pity party But then - Ramona returns, handing Scott a LAMINATED LIST RAMONA (CONT'D) P.S. Here's your stupid list Ramona exits proper. Scott looks at the list. It reads- 'œPATEL, LEE, INGRAM, RICHTER, KATAYANAGI TWINS, GIDEON...' SCOTT Who the hell are the Katayanagi Twins? STEPHEN STILLS You don't know? 83 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - NIGHT 83 Stills flips to hand drawn sketches of THE KATAYANAGIS Identical Asian twins dressed like pretentious New Wave fops STEPHEN STILLS They're the next band in the battle And they are badass (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 94 83 CONTINUED: 83 We reveal a grim, terse Scott playing a doomy bassline. The Rehearsal room feels empty without Knives or Ramona KIM PINE Ramona dated twins? SCOTT Apparently YOUNG NEIL At the same time? SCOTT You know what? I don't know and I Don't want to know STEPHEN STILLS Good. You know how I feel about Girls cockblocking the rock SCOTT Good. I play better in a bad mood STEPHEN STILLS If it's gonna be an issue though Young Neil can fill in for you SCOTT It's not an issue. You know bands I know battles. We got it covered STEPHEN STILLS Well, we'd understand if you didn't Want to take part SCOTT Not only do I want to take part. I Want to take them apart STEPHEN STILLS Okay. I'm getting tingles YOUNG NEIL Whoa... 84 EXT. THE NINTH CIRCLE - NIGHT 84 Sex Bob-Omb and Young Neil load their gear at the venue STEPHEN STILLS Okay. We're doomed YOUNG NEIL Oh... (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 94A 84 CONTINUED: 84 Flyers cover the outside walls of another rock venue; 'œT.I.B.B! SEX BOB-OMB!! THE KATAYANAGI TWINS!!! AMP VERSUS AMP!!!! TWO BANDS ENTER!!!!!! ONE BAND LEAVES!!!!!!!!!!!' KIM PINE That flyer needs more exclamation marks (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 95 84 CONTINUED: (2) 84 STEPHEN STILLS Oh, we are going to get killed YOUNG NEIL Come on. You're onstage in five SCOTT Aren't the Katamaris or whatever on First? YOUNG NEIL I think you're both on first? STEPHEN STILLS Wait...amp versus amp? We're going On stage at the same time? SCOTT That's impossible- 85 INT. THE NINTH CIRCLE, STAGE - NIGHT 85 'œACTUALLY, NO' Two stages sit on either side of the auditorium. On one: a MONOLITHIC WALL OF ELK AMPLIFIERS. On the other, SEX BOB-OMB With their dinky LAME BRAND amps behind them SCOTT Okay. My bad KIM PINE Your bad is saying my bad Sex Bob-Omb stare up at the Katayanagi amps, sweating behind Their instruments. Stills looks into the audience positioned Between the bands: a legion of identical INDIE TEENS STEPHEN STILLS We shouldn't even be here. We Shouldn't even be here Stills tries to run. Scott grabs him and pulls him back SCOTT Come on man! I put aside my Problems for the music. If I can do That, we can do anything KIM PINE Did you speak to Ramona then? SCOTT What? No. I haven't seen her since The other night KIM PINE Oh. She's totally here Kim points to RAMONA in the crowd. She is totally there. Her Hair is now the BRIGHTEST GREEN, and she stands next to a Nondescript MYSTERY GEEK in blazer and black rimmed glasses They are chatting. She looks happy. Scott turns bleak again KIM PINE Scott? Not that I care...but you should Talk to her before she's gone... SCOTT THANKS KI- KIM PINE And I really don't care Scott nods at Kim's advice. He looks back to the crowd to Find the MYSTERY GEEK staring right at him. Then- Disorienting LIGHTS and LASERS flash on the opposite stage A wall of FEEDBACK builds...THE KATAYANAGI TWINS appear Sliding onstage behind their respective keyboard stands KYLE KATAYANAGI, 23, is very serious and Japanese. KEN KATAYANAGI, 23, is serious and very Japanese Scott, Stephen Stills and Kim share a nervous look STEPHEN STILLS Okay gang. Can we do this? I mean We can do this. Right? KIM PINE Right STEPHEN STILLS Scott? Scott is distracted again by the Mystery Geek staring at him KIM PINE Scott! Kyle Katayanagi hits a SINGLE NOTE on the keyboard, blasting An enormous wave of sound at Sex Bob-Omb. It's so loud that It shakes the foundations and rips the lighting rig from the Ceiling, leaving a huge hole in the roof. The crowd cheers AUDIENCE DUDE (O.S.) They brought the house down Now an open air venue, SNOW falls onto the stage. An earth Shaking BASS NOTE blows the dust off Sex Bob-Omb... Scott and Stills get into battle position. Scott screams! SCOTT WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! WE ARE HERE TO MAKE YOU THINK ABOUT DEATH AND GET SAD AND STUFF! 1-2-3-4! Sex Bob-Omb ROCK OUT, their sound blowing a mass of snow Towards the Katayanagis. For once, they sound awesome Kyle looks at Ken. They share a nod. Ken turns their amps up To the Japanese character for 'œ11'. Their waveforms transform The swirling snow into a TWO HEADED WHITE DRAGON! Katayanagi SLAM their Moogs. Heavy weirdness EXPLODES from The amps! The Dragon blows a BLAST of snowy fire that BLOWS SEX BOB-OMB OFF THE STAGE. The crowd ERUPTS into cheers Scott, Kim and Stills lie in a heap under their instruments STEPHEN STILLS Let's break up now and get it over With. We screwed the pooch in front Of Gideon Graves. We're done SCOTT Gideon...is here? Where? Stills points to the Mystery Geek', who smirks and whispers In Ramona's ear. This is GIDEON GRAVES, 37, ASSHOLE SCOTT That's Gideon? Scott's eyes reflect Ramona's hair and turn GREEN. He Struggles to his feet. The crowd slowly stops clapping as Scott pulls Stills to his feet, then helps Kim up SCOTT Alright. Let's do this! Kim, inspired by Scott's new hardcore attitude, comes in Heavy on the kick drum. BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM! Heads nod in time as Sex Bob-Omb ROCK OUT! Their waveforms Transform a mass of snow into a GREEN EYED YETI! The Katayanagis fight back with their future sounds and their Sonic Dragon stalks towards Sex Bob-Omb, slinking on perfect Beat with the Katayanagis' spooky music The Yeti and the Dragons CLASH at center stage, fighting in Time to the music! Scott and Stills bring their pick hands down like fierce PUNCHES. The Yeti brings it's fists down on The Dragon. Sex Bob-Omb HAMMER DOWN THE FINAL NOTE: 85 CONTINUED: (4) 85 The Yeti picks up The Dragon and THROWS it at the Katayanagi Twins, EXPLODING them and their amps into COINS 'œ+999 ROCKING' KIM PINE That...was epic The crowd goes bazooky. A DISEMBODIED SCOTT HEAD appears Hovering next to Scott Scott looks for Ramona in the crowd, but she and Gideon are Gone. Scott hands his bass to Young Neil STEPHEN STILLS Scott. What are you doing? SCOTT Getting a life Scott swipes the SCOTT HEAD and jumps into the still- Applauding crowd. He can't find Ramona, but comes upon KNIVES Standing alone in her homemade Sex Bob-Omb T-shirt KNIVES CHAU I just came to see the show. I'm Not even stalking you Knives's unusally composed demeanor gives Scott pause SCOTT You seem... different Knives shrugs, different KNIVES CHAU I feel like I know stuff now Scott and Knives lock eyes. Scott suddenly spots a flash of GREEN HAIR exiting the building SCOTT Ramona... Scott follows. Knives watches him go, eyes narrowing 86 EXT. THE NINTH CIRCLE - NIGHT 86 Scott chases Ramona down the street outside the venue SCOTT Ramona. I have something I need to Tell you RAMONA Yeah, I have something to- SCOTT (RUSHED) Great. Listen, I know you just play Mysterious and aloof to avoid Getting hurt. I know you have Reasons for not wanting to talk About your past. And I want you to Know, I don't care about any of That stuff. Why? Because I'm in Lesbians with you RAMONA What? SCOTT I really, really mean it (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 99 86 CONTINUED: (2) 86 RAMONA Oh. Okay SCOTT What did you want to tell me? RAMONA That we have to break up SCOTT What? RAMONA Yeah...it's not going to work out SCOTT Oh okay... A sleek black '˜61 Lincoln Continental pulls up behind RAMONA It's Gideon. I just...I can't help Myself around him VOICE (O.S.) That's the bad news GIDEON GRAVES appears behind Scott with Stills and Kim in Tow. The Lincoln parks. A driver opens the passenger door GIDEON GRAVES The good news, Scottie, is I'm Officially loving the Sex Bombs SCOTT Bob-omb GIDEON GRAVES Three piece rock outfit with a semi- Attractive female drummer? Music to My earholes Scott glowers. Ramona looks at the floor. Stills is ga-ga TEXT: An arrow points to Stills' crotch, captioned 'œPEE' GIDEON GRAVES You know, I'm not even going to wait To see how you guys do in the final I'm signing you right now for a three Album deal Gideon produces a CONTRACT and clicks a pen GIDEON GRAVES See? I'm not such a bad guy after All (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 99A 86 CONTINUED: (3) 86 Scott GRABS the contract and throws it onto the sidewalk (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 100 86 CONTINUED: (4) 86 SCOTT You think we're gonna sell our Souls to you? Well then guess- We hear SCRIBBLING. Stills has picked up the contract and is Furiously signing it using Scott's back. Kim shrugs and signs It too, before trying to hand it back to Scott SCOTT Nuh-uh. I can't be part of the band With this douche-in-charge GIDEON GRAVES Scottie, buddy, can I just say Keep your emotions in check. Don't Let what's past screw up your Future Scott watches Ramona get into the Continental. She rolls the Mirrored window up so Scott stares at his own reflection STEPHEN STILLS The people need to hear us, Scott SCOTT Then you're going to need to find Someone else to play bass A cough. A meek Young Neil slides into view, bass in hand GIDEON Looks like we're all set Young Neil signs the contract. There are hand shakes all Round. Gideon turns to Scott and pats him on the shoulder GIDEON Oh and Scott, we should really be Thanking each other. I mean, if it Wasn't for me, you would have never Been with Ramona, but if it wasn't For you, she wouldn't be back with Me. So I guess it all shakes out Gideon walks around to the driver side of the Lincoln GIDEON And hey, the whole League of Evil Exes thing? I was in a dark place When I put that together. Forgiven? Gideon disappears into the Lincoln and drives off and Sex Bob-Omb drift away. Scott stands alone. He slaps his head- SCOTT I said '˜lesbians'! INTEGRATED FINAL 100A 87 INT. THE BUS / GIDEON'S LINCOLN - NIGHT 87 Scott sits on the bus alone, thinking about Ramona... Ramona sits expressionless in the back of Gideon's car... Scott tries desperately to think positive... A smiling Gideon sidles closer to Ramona... (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 101 87 CONTINUED: 87 Scott walks forlornly down an empty street and bumps his head On a telephone pole. 'œTHONK' 'œOH GOD WHY' A88 EXT. THE PARK - NIGHT / DAY / NIGHT A88 Scott sits on the swings, staring straight ahead Night turns to day. Day turns to night Scott remains in the exact same position STACEY (O.S.) Was she really the one? Scott looks over to see STACEY on the swing next to him SCOTT The wha? STACEY I mean, did you really see a future With this girl? SCOTT Like...with jetpacks? Stacey stands to go, gives Scott a hug STACEY Time heals all wounds, little Brother. Maybe next time let's not Date the girl with eleven evil ex- Boyfriends SCOTT Seven STACEY Oh. Well that's not so bad Stacey heads off. Scott looks at the camera 88 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 88 Scott enters. Flicks the light on. Gets a shock SCOTT Aaah! WALLACE (O.S.) TURN OFF THE LIGHT! Scott flicks the light off. Over PITCH BLACK... WALLACE (O.S) Presumably you just saw someone's Junk, and I apologize for that VOICE (O.S.) Sorry SCOTT (O.S.) Was that Other Scott or Jimmy or Someone? WALLACE (O.S.) Or someone VOICE (O.S.) It's Chris WALLACE (O.S.) It's Chris 89 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - LATER 89 Scott sits in the chair, wrapped in a blanket. SOME GUY lies In Scott's usual futon spot (wearing Wallace's monogrammed Robe). Wallace hands Scott cocoa WALLACE Scott, you know I love you. But I Need my own bed tonight. For sex < b=""> Right WALLACE I may need it the rest of the week too SCOTT Right And the year SCOTT I get it WALLACE Maybe you can move in with Ramona Scott stares deep into his cocoa and shakes his head SCOTT She's with Gideon WALLACE Ah. That sucks. But you know, it's Probably just because he's better Than you Scott nods WALLACE He'll certainly have better hair Scott nods WALLACE Either way, I think this fight is over Scott nods WALLACE You can sleep on the floor until You get somewhere else to stay. I Got you muffs and blinkers in case This might happen Wallace produces earmuffs and a sleep mask SCOTT Thanks RINGY RING. Scott stares at the phone. Some guy picks up SOME GUY It's for Scott SCOTT (TAKES PHONE) Hello? GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.) Hey, pal. Just wanted to say I feel Terrible about earlier. I don't Want any hard feelings, so I Figured why not be the bigger man And give you a call SCOTT Is Ramona with you? 90 INT. GIDEON'S LAIR - CONTINUOUS 90 Gideon appears to sit on some kind of throne. He calls off GIDEON GRAVES I don't know. Are you with me? RAMONA (O.S.) Yeah SCOTT (O.S.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! GIDEON GRAVES Geez buddy, it's gonna be alright 91 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 91 SCOTT No, I just spilled cocoa on my crotch GIDEON GRAVES (O.S) Sure you did. Well as you know, I'm Opening a new Chaos Theatre in Toronto and The Sex Bobs are Playing our grand opening tonight And it would feel really weird for All of us if you weren't there They just did a sound check and the Acoustics in here are amazing SCOTT (GRIM) Yeah. Maybe I'll see you there GIDEON GRAVES I hope so, amigo. I don't want Anymore bad blood between ex's What do you say? SCOTT Mm GIDEON GRAVES Okay laters Click WALLACE What a perfect asshole Scott turns, alarmed. REVEAL Wallace on the other cordless WALLACE Forget what I said earlier. Finish him 92 EXT. STREETS OF TORONTO - NIGHT 92 Snow blows around a steely eyed Scott as he stomps towards a Group of desolate WAREHOUSES near the water. A lone HIPSTER KID smokes a cigarette, leaning against a warehouse wall HIPSTER KID Password? Scott shrugs SCOTT Whatever HIPSTER KID Cool The Hipster Kid waves Scott in The warehouse is empty. Scott follows the sound of music to a GATED ELEVATOR. Two Hipster Kids guard the elevator HIPSTER KID Second password? Scott gives the slightest shrug HIPSTER KID Cool Scott steps into the elevator. So far so good Scott exits the elevator and steps into GIDEON'S UNDERGROUND LAIR OF COOL SHIT...the CHAOS THEATRE All HIPSTER KIDS have gathered in one spot of ultimate Snobbery. They are legion, wearing identical outfits; Chuck Taylors, skinny jeans. COMEAU holds court among them COMEAU Yeah, their first album is so much Better than their first album Scott pushes through the idiot hordes. SEX BOB-OMB are Playing onstage, now using SWEET BRAND amps, YOUNG NEIL on Bass. Stills sees Scott walking by as they finish a song STEPHEN STILLS Scott! Scott pauses, looking up at his former bandmates STEPHEN STILLS (CONT'D) Let it go. Don't give him the Satisfaction SCOTT What if I want the satisfaction? STEPHEN STILLS Well, then you're doomed GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.) Scott Pilgrim! Scott turns to see GIDEON sitting on a throne of cool atop a BLACK VELVET VIP PYRAMID. Ramona kneels at his side GIDEON GRAVES Hey buddy, welcome to the Chaos Theatre. Somebody get this man a Drink! Coke Zero right? A COCKTAIL WAITRESS with a fringe appears with a Coke Zero Scott takes the beverage and THROWS THE CUP TO THE FLOOR! SCOTT I'm not here to drink GIDEON GRAVES I got no beef with you SCOTT What if I have a beef...with you? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 106 94 CONTINUED: 94 GIDEON GRAVES Are you still mad about that whole Thing with the Guild? SCOTT You mean The League'? GIDEON Guild, League, whatever. It's Ancient history Gideon puts his arm around Ramona SCOTT I'll show you how ancient of History it is Scott gets into a fighting stance. Gideon loses his cool GIDEON GRAVES No use crying over spilt Coke Buddy. The lady made her choice and We're all gonna have to move on SCOTT Well I ain't moving...buddy GIDEON GRAVES You want to fight me for her? SCOTT Was that not clear? (to Sex Bob-Omb) Was that not clear? Sex Bob-Omb shake their heads. Gideon stands up, flexes GIDEON GRAVES Now why on earth do you want to do that? SCOTT Because, I'm in love with her Ramona and Scott lock eyes. A new power comes over Scott. He Reaches for the HEART DESIGN printed on his ratty vintage T- Shirt and pulls a FLAMING BLUE SWORD from his own chest NARRATOR (V.O.) Scott earned the power of love... Ramona looks away from Scott. Gideon smiles GIDEON GRAVES I think this deserves a song Kimberly? Kim scratches her head with her middle finger before Grudgingly launching into a number KIM PINE We are Sex Bob-Omb, we are here to Make money, and sell out and stuff Kim clicks out a fast tempo. Sex Bob-Omb begin to ROCK OUT A HORDE OF HIPSTER INDIE KIDS ATTACK SCOTT PILGRIM, ON BEAT Scott swings at them with his FLAMING BLUE SWORD. He slashes At them to the beat, exploding each attacker into COINS Scott then RUNS up the side of the pyramid towards Gideon GIDEON GRAVES Ramona. My cane Ramona hands Gideon a cane with G-MAN engraved on the handle He unsheathes a SWORD that could not have fit in there Scott and Gideon LEAP towards each other...Gideon descends Like a vulture and SMASHES the sword out of Scott's hands Scott hits the ground HARD, rolling to a stop SCOTT Your club sucks, by the way Gideon approaches, to administer a final blow GIDEON If my cathedral of cutting edge Taste holds no interest for your Tragically Canadian sensibilities Then I shall grant you a swift exit From the premises. And fast Entrance into HELLLLLLL Gideon raises his sword. Then from above... KNIVES CHAU (O.S.) SCOOOOOOOOOTT!!! KNIVES CHAU sails into frame and KICKS the sword out of Gideon's hands. She lands awkwardly, tripping and falling Down the side of the pyramid. Gideon chuckles GIDEON GRAVES That is priceless Scott looks to Knives, both concerned and amazed. She quickly Recovers and POINTS a furious finger KNIVES CHAU, 18 YEARS OLD, FUN FACT: SCOTTAHOLIC' KNIVES CHAU You'll pay for what you did to him! GIDEON GRAVES Listen, Kung Pao Chicken, your old Old boyfriend brought this all on Himself. He was warned plenty of Times. But did he listen? Did he f- KNIVES CHAU I'm not talking to you. I'm talking To HER! Angle on a confused RAMONA standing behind Gideon RAMONA What? KNIVES CHAU YOU BROKE THE HEART THAT BROKE MINE! GET READY TO CHAU DOWN! Knives leaps up the pyramid toward a shocked Ramona! RAMONA You're kidding right? Knives pulls out KNIVES and charges! Ramona fights Defensively, redirecting Knives' parries without harming her GIDEON You can't say I don't know how to Put on a show GIDEON lashes out at Scott. He can barely block Gideon's Tremendous blows, distracted by his duelling exes RAMONA What the hell is your deal? KNIVES CHAU You stole him with your advanced American slut technology DUAL DUEL! The fighters weave in and out of each other Throwing blocks and punches, KUNG FU STYLE RAMONA I don't know what you're talking About, I didn't steal anyone Scott lands a KICK to Gideon's chest, sending him flying off The edge of the pyramid. He then BLOCKS a punch from Knives To Ramona and spins her away, separating them SCOTT Can we please stop all this Fighting! Nobody stole anybody Knives, I dated you and then I Dated Ramona. Okay? (BEAT) I mean...maybe I kind of forgot to Tell Knives right away, but... KNIVES CHAU Then you cheated on me, Scott! (EYES NARROWING) You cheated on both of us Knives and Ramona both look at Scott, neither amused RAMONA You cheated on me with Knives? SCOTT No! I cheated on Knives. With you RAMONA Is there a difference? SCOTT You weren't wronged? Scott breaks into a flop sweat SCOTT Right? Knives and Ramona stare at Scott GIDEON (O.S.) Game over! STAB! A sword pierces Scott's chest from behind GIDEON GRAVES Scottie. You can cheat on these Ladies all you want, but you Can't...cheat...death Scott slides off Gideon's sword and falls to the ground... TEXT WITH ARROW POINTING TO SCOTT: 'œDEAD' Everything goes white...SAND blows through frame...Scott's Eyes blink open. He looks up into a BLINDING BLUE SKY... 95 EXT. THE DREAM DESERT - DAY 95 Scott sits up next to a lone cactus, rubbing his temples SCOTT Ugh Ramona appears out of nowhere; fainter than before RAMONA I'm sorry. Dying probably sucks SCOTT You know what sucks? Getting killed By THAT guy. Why him? RAMONA It's complicated SCOTT Well, maybe now would be the time To get into it. Seeing as I'm about To die RAMONA Alright... the truth is, it was me Who was obsessed. I was crazy about Him. But he ignored me. I was more Alone when we were together than I Ever was on my own. That's why I Had to leave... and that's when he Started paying attention SCOTT So why go back? RAMONA I can't help myself around him Scott. He just... has a way of Getting into my head SCOTT Well, that's legitimately Disappointing. I really will leave You alone forever now... RAMONA No. I mean, he literally has a way Of getting into my head Ramona lifts her hair up on the back of her head, revealing a Blinking CHIP implanted on her skull SCOTT That is evil RAMONA He's like that Ramona covers the chip, self-consciously touching her hair SCOTT So this kinda sucks for everybody, eh? RAMONA I'm sorry it had to end this way We had a good run, I guess SCOTT You can't say I didn't try. I Really fought for you back there RAMONA Uh-huh The winds blow harder, Ramona seeming to fade away RAMONA But someone was fighting pretty Hard for you back there Scott's eyes go wide with epiphany SCOTT Knives? RAMONA I wish I was ever as fanatically Devoted to anything as that girl is To you Ramona slowly dissolve away in the sand SCOTT I feel like I learned something. Which Would be great if I wasn't dead Ramona is gone. Scott slumps to his knees SCOTT So...so alone DA-DING. The PILGRIM-HEAD appears and rotates around Scott SCOTT Ahhhhhh... We FLASH BACK to Scott swiping the PILGRIM HEAD, then FAST FORWARD through the breakup with Ramona and Sex Bob-Omb. We Hear Scott screaming throughout this magical restart SCOTT ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... 96 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 96 We FAST FORWARD all the way to Wallace's apartment, as Scott Enters. He flicks the light o SCOTT ...AAAAAAAAAHHH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO SEE THAT AGAIN! SOME GUY (O.S.) Again? WALLACE (O.S.) Turn off the light! Scott flicks the light off. On PITCH BLACK... SCOTT Wallace, when my journey began, I Was living in an ordinary world Ramona skated through my dreams and It was like a call to adventure, a Call I considered refusing. But my Mentor, that's you, told me if I Want something bad enough I have to Fight for it. So I did. There were Tests, allies, enemies. I Approached a deep cave and went Through a crazy ordeal, during Which I totally seized the sword Sadly, I died. Then I resurrected! Now I realize what I should have Been fighting for all along. But Before I do that, I need to ask one Final favor of you WALLACE (O.S.) Sure thing, guy SCOTT Could you put a robe on and hand me The phone? Wallace flicks on a bedside lamp, hands him the phone SCOTT Toronto. Chaos Theatre. Gideon Graves (BEAT) Tell him Scott Pilgrim is calling GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.) Scott. I was just about to- SCOTT Hey, pal. I feel terrible about Everything. I don't want any hard Feelings, so I figure why not be The bigger man and give you a call GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.) Um... (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 112A 96 CONTINUED: (2) 96 SCOTT Sorry, what I meant to say is 'œI'm Coming over to kill you' Scott hangs up and heads for the door, hardcore WALLACE GO KICK THAT GUY'S ASS! Wallace stands to high five Scott, exposing his junk WALLACE (CONT'D) Ah, sorry (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 113 96 CONTINUED: (3) 96 SCOTT You seen one... 97 EXT. STREETS OF TORONTO - DAY 97 Scott Pilgrim RUNS towards the desolate WAREHOUSES. The same HIPSTER KID smokes a cigarette against the wall SCOTT Your hair looks stupid The Hipster Kid EXPLODES into COINS 98 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY 98 Scott approaches the two Hipster Kids guarding the ELEVATOR HIPSTER KID '˜Sup? SCOTT Whatever Scott SPLIT KICKS them in the faces, knocking them out 99 INT. CHAOS THEATRE - CONTINUOUS 99 DING! Scott exits the elevator and steps into GIDEON'S UNDERGROUND LAIR OF COOL SHIT: THE CHAOS THEATRE...AGAIN COMEAU Yeah, their first album is so- Scott KNOCKS DOWN Comeau and looks to Sex Bob-Omb STEPHEN STILLS Scott! Let it go SCOTT Don't worry. I know what I'm doing Stephen, the new line-up rocks. You Guys sound better without me. Young Neil? You have learned well. From This point forward, you shall be Known as 'œNeil'. And Kim? Kim looks at Scott, deadpan as ever SCOTT (CONT'D) Sorry about...everything Kim shrugs SCOTT (CONT'D) Sorry about me (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 113A 99 CONTINUED: 99 Kim SMILES at Scott for the first time ever GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.) Scott Pilgrim! Scott turns to GIDEON on his throne, Ramona at his side GIDEON GRAVES (CONT'D) Hey buddy, welcome to the Chaos- SCOTT Save it. You're pretentious, the club Sucks, I have beef, let's do it Scott goes straight into fight mode GIDEON GRAVES You want to fight me for her? Ramona and Scott lock eyes. A strange new power overcomes Scott, different than before SCOTT No...I want to fight you for me Scott reaches for the HEART DESIGN printed on his ratty T- Shirt and pulls a FLAMING RED SWORD from his own chest NARRATOR (V.O.) Scott earned the power of self-respect SCOTT Kim? KIM PINE WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB, AND WE ARE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN! Kim drives a hardcore beat. Sex Bob-Omb ROCK THE FUCK OUT HIPSTERS ATTACK SCOTT PILGRIM to the BEAT. Scott swings his FLAMING RED SWORD, exploding each attacker into COINS GIDEON GRAVES Ramona. My cane Ramona hands Gideon his cane. He unsheathes his SWORD. Scott And Gideon RUN towards each other, LEAPING in the air. They Pass in the air and Scott SLASHES. They land on opposite Sides of the platform, backs to each other SCOTT How's it going back there? GIDEON GRAVES You dick (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 114A 99 CONTINUED: (3) 99 Gideon falls down. Dead, apparently. Scott calls out (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 115 99 CONTINUED: (4) 99 SCOTT Knives! I know you're in here! Don't attack Ra- Knives SAILS through the air and KICKS Ramona in the head SUPER HARD. We hear a METALLIC KLONK They square off, Ramona staggered, Knives pulling KNIVES KNIVES CHAU Steal my boyfriend, taste my steel Scott jumps between them, hands held out SCOTT (CONT'D) ENOUGH! Knives tries to go around him. Scott GRABS her wrists. She Kicks him in the face KNIVES CHAU No, Scott! This fat ass hurt me and I will have my revenge! SCOTT No, Knives. I hurt you. I cheated On you Knives steps back, stunned KNIVES CHAU You cheated on me Scott? SCOTT I cheated on both of you. And I'm Sorry. I was a different guy back Then Knives' frown melts. Scott turns to Ramona SCOTT (CONT'D) And...you're not a fat ass. She didn't Mean that. So, are we all good? Ramona rubs the back of her head. The CHIP no longer blinks RAMONA Never felt better GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.) Are we all done with the hugging And learning? I thought we had a Fight going here All turn to see GIDEON; bloodied, but still grinning, a Lopsided slash across his face accentuating his smirk (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 115A 99 CONTINUED: (5) 99 SCOTT Oh, you got a fight alright Scott steps into a fighting stance. Knives joins him GIDEON Ramona. Are you with me? Ramona looks to Gideon, then joins Scott and Knives and STRIKES A FIGHT POSE, the three of them ready to rumble GIDEON (CONT'D) Wrong move, baby Scott ATTACKS with his sword. Gideon BLOCKS, disarms Scott With one move, spins and BUTTS Scott in the face with the Hilt of the sword. Scott teeters on the edge of the pyramid Knives throws her knives. Gideon's lightning fast sword Deflects them, SHING SHING! Gideon wheels towards Ramona, expecting her to move. She Looks doubtful, takes a hesitant step towards him. He grins GIDEON (CONT'D) Yeah. You're still my girl Ramona steps up to Gideon and whispers in his ear RAMONA Let's both be girls Ramona knees Gideon in the balls Gideon SWINGS his sword at Ramona. Knives whips off her Scarf, uses it to wrap up Gideon's sword arm and disarms him Scott and Knives punch Gideon in the face in a volley of FREEZE FRAMES Knives KICKS Gideon in the stomach and Scott follows with a PUNCH IN THE NOSE, sending Gideon sliding across the floor Gideon gets back to his feet via backflip. He shakes off the Assault and grins GIDEON You made me swallow me gum. That's Going to be in my digestive tract For seven years! Gideon throws a series of Wushu moves that give him a POWER UP - his glasses glow, his HEALTH BAR increases. He makes an 'œX' with his fingers and a draws a NEW POWER UP SWORD He cuts big arcs at Scott, Knives and Ramona. They barely Dodge him. Scott SPIES his sword and picks it up just in time To BLOCK Gideon's attack. The swords create an 'œX' Ramona KICKS. Gideon BLOCKS, knocking her down Gideon swings at Scott. Scott ducks. Knives attacks and Scores a hit. Gideon hits her back, dropping her SCOTT ATTACKS. They fence. Gideon spins low. Scott leaps in The air. Gideon spins again and swings upward. Scott blocks With his sword and is sent UP into the air. Gideon jumps After him. They CLASH in the air. Scott's sword SHATTERS (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 116A 99 CONTINUED: (7) 99 Scott lands hard. Gideon lands in front of him and raises his Sword for the kill. Ramona swings Gideon's VELVET ROPE Cancelling out Gideon's digital sword Gideon SLAPS Ramona in the face and sends her painfully Tumbling down the pyramid. She lands painfully at the bottom Knives and Scott share a look. They Get up and circle Gideon COMBO ATTACK! FREEZE FRAME PUNCHES: Knives kicks and Scott Punches, sending Gideon back and forth like a pinball: KICK PUNCH KICK PUNCH KICK! Gideon's face smashes with each Impact Ramona rises to see Scott and Knives kicking ass Scott slides Knives through Gideon's legs. From the floor She kicks him in the back of the head, then upends him like a Wheelbarrow and KICKS HIM IN THE FACE, sending him spinning Gideon lands HARD on his knees, defeated. One lens of his Glasses cracks. He looks up at the steely eyed Scott GIDEON (CONT'D) Who do you think you are Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are. A pain In my ass. You know how long it Took to get all the evil exes' Contact information so I could form This stupid league? Like two hours! Gideon starts to pixellate quite badly. Not long now... GIDEON (CONT'D) You're not cool enough for Ramona You're zero. You're nothing. Me? I'm what's hip. I'm what's Happening. I'm blowing up right Now (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 117 99 CONTINUED: (8) 99 SCOTT You're right. I'm not cool enough For Ramona. And you got another Thing right. You are blowing up Right now Scott spins and BACK HEELS Gideon in the face Gideon's head EXPLODES, his glasses SAILING down the steps of The pyramid. Then his body follows suit in an almighty- POOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! SHIMMERING COINS rain down. Scott and Knives kiss YOUNG NEIL Whoa... KIM PINE There goes our deal STEPHEN STILLS We're still getting paid, right? Kim points to the falling coins KIM PINE There goes our deal YOUNG NEIL Oh... Stills jumps off stage and picks up coins The coin rain continues, silhouetting Scott and Knives in Their kung fu poses. They share a smile RAMONA (O.S.) You two make a good combo Ramona, awake now, makes her way towards them SCOTT Yeah? RAMONA Yeah (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 118 99 CONTINUED: (9) 99 The trio walk down the pyramid steps. Scott picks up Gideon's Fallen glasses The glasses GLIMMER. GIDEON'S VOICE echoes GIDEON'S VOICE (O.S.) You can defeat me...but can you Defeat...yourself? Scott peers into the glimmering lenses, spotting his EVIL MIRROR IMAGE staring back at him. The glasses dissolve and Scott whips around to face... KNIVES CHAU Negascott! NEGASCOTT walks towards Scott, Knives and Ramona. Fringed Hair. Dark clothes. Evil face Knives and Ramona flank Scott in a fighting stance SCOTT No. This is something I have to Face on my own The girls reluctantly exit stage left as Scott walks forward To confront his dark side Scott and Negascott face off. Both take a step forward... 100-103 OMITTED 100-103 104 EXT. THE WAREHOUSE - EVENING 104 Knives and Ramona huddle in the snow outside Chaos Theatre They look expectantly at the entrance, worried for Scott Then... Scott strolls out with Negascott. They chat amiably, shake Hands and part ways. Scott approaches Knives and Ramona KNIVES CHAU What happened? SCOTT Aw, nothing. We just shot the shit He's a super-nice guy. We actually Have a lot in common Scott runs his fingers through his hair KNIVES CHAU Your hair SCOTT What? KNIVES CHAU It's getting really shaggy Scott's HAT appears on his head! He looks totally freked SCOTT Yeah? KNIVES CHAU I like it Knives removes the hat from Scott's head, literally taking His guard down. Ramona sees this and smiles SCOTT You do? Scott smiles, then realizes Ramona has gone. He turns to see Her, pulling her hood up and walking into the darkness Scott calls after her. Steps tentatively away from Knives SCOTT Hey... Where are you going? Ramona, hoping to slip away, stops and turns back RAMONA I dunno. I should probably Disappear SCOTT After all that? RAMONA It's hard, you know? I came here to Get away, but the past keeps Catching up. I'm tired of people Getting hurt because of me Ramona looks at Knives as she says this SCOTT I think I understand Snow begins to fall. Ramona straightens his parka tenderly RAMONA I should tahnk you, though SCOTT For what? RAMONA For being the nicest guy I ever Dated SCOTT That's kind of sad RAMONA (ALMOST LAUGHING) It is kind of sad She takes his hand briefly, then lets it drop RAMONA Well... Bye and stuff SCOTT Yeah. And stuff She turns to walk off again. Scott watches, then hears- KNIVES (O.S.) Go get her Surprised, Scott turns back to see a smiling Knives SCOTT Wha? KNIVES You earned it. You've been fighting For her all along SCOTT But what about you? KNIVES (totally sweet and sad) I'll be fine. I'm too cool for you Anyway She grins and kisses his cheek KNIVES There's someone out there for me We hear a COUGH - Young Neil sidles into frame behind her Guitar still in hand We hear a 2ND COUGH - Nega Scott also sidles into frame Knives doesn't look back, but urges Scott to- KNIVES Go talk to her. Before she's gone Ramona walks on into the night alone, but then- SCOTT (O.S.) Hey... mind if I tag along? (CONTINUED) INTEGRATED FINAL 119B 104 CONTINUED: (4) 104 Ramona is flabbergasted to see a cheery Scott walk alongside RAMONA You want to come with me?SCOTT (HOPEFUL) I thought maybe we could... try Again? Ramona smiles. She holds out her hand like in the park scene Earlier. Scott takes it We see the door with the star on it, standing right in the Middle of the street, snow swirling around it Scott and Ramona walk towards the door, sunrise coming up Over Toronto, night magically turning to day, winter turning To spring Over this magical transformation, we hear a lush rendition of "Ramona" swelling and hear whispers of gossip over Toronto's Cell phone airwaves JULIE Oh my God, can I blow your mind? Scott Pilgrim totally threw down With Gideon Graves at the grand Opening of Chaos Theater. Yeah, it Was apparently awesome STACEY (V.O.) Oh my God, it was a HUGE fight. I Mean bananas. My little brother Kicked a guy's head off. Literally It was unbelievable. Someone Seriously should have been filming It Scott and Ramona walk through the door. Tilt up to the Heavens and reveal the CONTINUE graphic in the stars CONTINUE? 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...<>