'IN MY SADDEST DREAMS, I AM BESIDE YOU

It all comes back to the cold The violent way you taught me warmth I thought that joy was radiating from our bodies It turns out we were just catching fire As we accelerated to the crash How many petals have I scattered Wondering if I am worthy of being loved? I trimmed the stems of waxflowers And I placed what remained in a plastic jug I watched the water stain brown With the failure to keep something alive Clouded by the rotting passage of time Since you drifted away You rеsurrected something in mе He is risen on that day And I know I shouldn't invest all my hope For the future into hands I don't control But I believe in the beautiful things that you could mold If you chose to be honest for a moment Or maybe I'm making you a marionette Wearing a face made of my projections So desperate to fill this empty space in me I eat delusions from your hands Do you think Jesus Christ ever wishes that he stayed in his cave? I'm seeing clearly now that I brought myself here I chewed words into mangled intentions And spit them back into your mouth But you live in the cold Another body in the snow A sorrow doomed to be retold I owe this all to you The fugue starts to unfold I owe this all to you The fugue starts to unfold You brought me the sun You only wanted to see how it boils a man The more cracked my hide The harder I tried to make you see the joy I found in the rays I have no tongue but to speak your name I think I'll take the atrophy now I'm sick of rearranging my organs To try to better fit you inside me I let my thawed memories slip down the drain Fixed the frame, switched the portrait With that one perfect moment with you If I had known you would vanish so swiftly I would have chosen to be frozen inside of it too And I know it's pathetic how much of my happiness Hinges on the thought of being loved One day all these fevered dreams will mean nothing to me But until then I'll be miserable just waiting for your touch And I fear how easy things could be if I abandoned myself But I know I'll never see it through In my saddest dreams I see how close I am To the life I'd like to lead In my saddest dreams, I am beside you