Professor Elemental

(verse 1) Dear Sir, regarding your recent foray Into the rap business and the scene you portray See I don't normally approve of war games But "He's biting you" is what they all say And by Harry, they might be right-- This is hip hop, not an Elvis night! Shelve this Professor impersonation Let it end now, it's impertinent waiting! You seem a reasonable chap, what you need to do is rap But not parody chap hop Cause that's not proper, just not cricket! Put away your ukulele or I'll tell where to stick it! (hook) I - Don't like your tweed, sir! Will - Teach you the professor's ready! Not - Let's see who strikes the loudest! Lose - Put on my fighting trousers! (verse 2) I've got super producers and fans that play me You've got a granddad's mustache and a ukulele Don't look around sir, I'm speaking to you Roll up your shirt sleeves, Queensbury rules Never test professors with the cleverest wits Let's settle this like gentlemen: armed with heavy sticks On a rotating plate, with spikes like Flash Gordon And you're Peter Duncan; I gave you fair warning When this George Formby clone is performing Audiences go home before he begins talking A new career might be more rewarding I'm a bright Brighton peer, you're rap's Piers Morgan (hook) (verse 3) I'm not seeing you at ciphers or workshops with kids or gigs Dear sir, you're not worthy of this! Sold out to Coca-Cola Used for a trend And that means you're banned From using a pen Hope it's safe to assume you won't do this again Set foot on my stage and get ruined again Be out, Mr. B, I've set the egg timer There's not room in town for two gentlemen rhymers Leave town by the end of this instrumental Yours, et cetera, et cetera, sincerely, and so forth Professor Elemental (hook)