Back Door Lover

ACT ONE At the Kwik-E-Mart. MAN 1 I need one twenty-nine-cent stamp. APU That's a dollar-eighty-five. MAN 2 I'd like two dollars' worth of gas, please. APU Four-twenty. MARTIN How much is your penny candy? APU Surprisingly expensive! MARTIN What a rip-off. The customers all groan and leave. One man grabs something from a display. MAN 1 This is what I think of your store! He twists the product, throws it on the floor and walks out. APU Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie! Apu picks it up and it pops back into shape. He puts it back, then notices a strange smell. On one shelf a packet of ham reads "Exp. Feb. 6, 1989". He smells the pack. APU Jiminy Cricket! Wooh, expired ham. (He crosses the date out and puts it on the "Bargain Table") Oh, this time I have gone to far. No, no one will fall for-- HOMER (Walks into the store) Woohoo! Cheap meat! (picks it up) Ooh, this one's open. He starts eating it. Later at home, Homer is on the couch, still finishing it off. His stomach starts to growl. HOMER Stomach...churning! (eats more) Bowels...clenching! Not much time... (falls off the couch) ...must...finish... He finishes the ham. Cut to an ambulance rushing him to hospital. DR. HIBBERT (At hospital) Well sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food,or, (chuckling) some sort of voodoo curse. PATTY Hey, we've just been working the eyes. She holds up a Homer doll with pins in the eyes. Later at the Kwik-E-Mart, Homer confronts Apu. HOMER Your old meat made me sick! APU Oh, I'm so sorry. (pulls out a bucket from under the counter) Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. HOMER (holds one up and sniffs it) This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny! APU (brings out another bucket) Okay, ten pounds. HOMER Woohoo! An ambulance rushed Homer to hospital again. Later at home, a television program shows a dog in detective uniform, barking. With each bark a word flies onto the screen. Together, it reads "Bite Back with Kent Brockman and his Channel 6 Consumer Watch Unit". Homer and Lisa are watching this show; Homer is lying ill on the couch and Lisa sitting on the floor. TV VOICEOVER Brought to you by... (more barking) HOMER That dog can sell anything. BROCKMAN (At news desk) Good evening. Here's an update on last week's nursing home exposé, "Geezers in Freezers". It turns out the rest home was adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers". Now, coming up next, the case of the cantankerous old geezer. HOMER (stomach growls again) Oh, rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites. Is there no way I can find justice? BROCKMAN If you have a consumer complaint, just call this number-- HOMER Boring! LISA Dad, you should blow the whistle on the Kwik-E-Mart. BROCKMAN And now a message from the Church of Latter-Day Saints. (the dog barks again) LISA Dad, are you listening to me? HOMER Shh! Lisa, the dog is barking. Sometime later at Channel 6 Studios, Homer talks to Kent. BROCKMAN All right, are you willing to go undercover to nail this creep? HOMER No way, man. No way, man! Get yourself another patsy, man. No way am I wearing a freakin' wire! BROCKMAN All right, all right, all right. Would you be willing to wear a hidden camera and microphone? HOMER Oh, that I'll wear. The next day, a van labeled "Ordinary Van" is parked outside the Kwik-E-Mart. Homer and Kent are inside. Kent and another man hold up a large hat with an obviously visible camera inside. BROCKMAN We've come up with a camera so tiny, it fits into this oversized novelty hat. They put it on Homer's head. He struggles to stand upright under the weight. BROCKMAN Now, go get us some incriminating footage, and remember: you have to get in and out in ten minutes, or you'll suffer permanent neck damage. A man with his head bent sideways at right angles appears. MAN He's not kiddin'. Homer enters the Kwik-E-Mart, unable to walk straight because of the hat. Apu looks confused as he slowly makes his way to the counter. APU Ooh? HOMER Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat. APU Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet? HOMER Bee? Aah! He throws the hat on the floor and screams, stomps on it and runs out of the store still screaming and into the van. BROCKMAN Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years! He had one day left till retirement. The camera still seems to be working. On the monitor in the van, the crew see Apu going about his business. APU Well, time to replenish the hot dog roller. La, la, la... He drops a hot dog, and it rolls right up to the camera. I t's covered with dirt, a dead fly, and a bandage. Apu picks it up. APU Aw look, it is encrusted with filth. (blows some of the dirt off) Oh well, let's sell it anyway. (looks into the camera) Now this is just between me and you, smashed hat! (chuckles) BROCKMAN Hot diggety-dog, we've got him, Mr. Simpson! Now let's...Mr. Simpson? They see him on the monitor inside the Kwik-E-Mart. HOMER One hot dog, please. (eats it) The next day, the Simpsons family watch the "Bite Back" episode BROCKMAN Apu, will you ever stop selling spoiled meat? APU (nervously) No...I mean, yes...I mean...uh-oh... Apu is also watching at the Kwik-E-Mart in front of some customers. He turns the TV off. APU I think I come off very well. WOMAN Monster! Run, children. As they run out, an inspector and two men in suits come in. INSPECTOR Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart Corporation. APU But, sir, I was only following standard procedure. INSPECTOR Ah, true. But it's also standard procedure to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb. APU Uh huh, and if I can obtain for you these animals? INSPECTOR I'm sorry, Apu: I have no choice. You can no longer wear this name patch. (tears it off; Apu gasps) And you can no longer tell people about our fried pickles. (tears off another patch) Now, turn in your pricing gun. Apu takes it out of a shoulder holster and hands it in. INSPECTOR The other one, too. Apu takes it out if an ankle holster and gives it to the inspector. APU (sighs) Fired...after all these years of loyal service. I don't want to live any more! (picks up a hot dog and is about to eat it) INSPECTOR (grabs him) Give me that wiener! APU I don't want to live, sir! INSPECTOR Give me that wiener! (they struggle) No, Apu, it's not worth it! That night, Apu stands on a bridge, depressed. APU What do I do now? I have been drummed out of my profession. I'm a disgrace! Even this babbling brook sounds almost like mocking laughter. Two homeless guys are underneath the bridge, tickling each other with feathers. HOBO (laughing) Who needs money when we got feathers? Apu walks past a pet store. A sign in the window reads "Today Only -- Laughing Monkeys." A bunch of monkeys all begin to laugh and point at him. Apu then wanders down the Simpsons' street and stops in front of their house. A thunderstorm begins. APU This is all because of Homer Simpson! Inside, Homer is on the couch watching TV and laughing. He watches a black stand-up comedian. HOMER Oh, oh, stop! COMEDIAN Yo, check this out: black guys drive a car like this! (Leans back, as though one hand is on the wheel and his elbow is resting on the windowsill, and sings a tune) Do, do, chh. Do be do, do be do-be-do. (audience laughs) Yeah, but white guys, see, they drive a car like this! (Leans forward forward with both hands on the wheel) Dee-da-dee, a-dee-da-dee... HOMER (laughing hard) It's true, it's true! We're so lame! APU (outside the window) It is time to settle the score! He knocks on the door and Homer opens it. Apu, drenched in rain water, threateningly reaches his arms out for Homer. Homer steps back and screams. ACT TWO Homer is still screaming. HOMER No, don't kill me! I didn't know there was film in that camera in that hat! I was unaware. I was unaware! (sobs) APU Mr. Simpson, you misunderstand me. In my village, this is the traditional pose of apology. HOMER Oh. APU (putting his arms down) You know, now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly. I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt - I am at your service. HOMER You're selling what, now? APU I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment. HOMER You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. (slams door) APU (to himself) He's got me there. The next day, Marge and the kids see Apu raking leaves on the family's front lawn. Homer comes down the stairs. HOMER Is he still out there? MARGE Yes, he's raking leaves. HOMER What? That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood chopping-- MARGE If he wants to make it up to you so badly I think you should let him. HOMER Okay, okay, I'll let him. But then I get a Chipwich, okay? Later, Apu serves the family dinner. APU It is an honor to begin repaying my debt to you. Back in Ramatpur I was considered quite the gourmet. MARGE Hmm, it certainly is exotic. (sees Lisa panting with a vacant stare)Ooh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you? LISA I can see through time! HOMER (wolfing it down) Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a-- Apu, what do you call this thing again? APU A napkin. HOMER (laughing) Outrageous! Meanwhile at the Kwik-E-Mart, the inspector and a woman are interviewing Barney. INSPECTOR All right, why do you want to become part of the Kwik-E-Mart family? BARNEY Because I like people. And I need a place where I'll be out of the sun. WOMAN Thank you. Barney burps and leaves. INSPECTOR Hmm... he's head and shoulders above everyone else. WOMAN Hold on, there's one more applicant. James Woods walk into the room and sits down. INSPECTOR Name? WOODS James Woods, heh. WOMAN Previous job experience? WOODS Ooh, uh, let's see...True Believer, Salvador, Onion Field, The Hard Way. INSPECTOR Wait, wait a minute. Those aren't convenience stores. That sounds more like the resume of a Hollywood movie star! WOODS (chuckles) Well, er... INSPECTOR & WOMAN (gasp) James Woods! WOMAN Why would you want to work at a Kwik-E-Mart? WOODS To be honest, in my upcoming movie I'm going to be playing this tightly-wound convenience store clerk and, I kind of like to research my roles and really get into it. For instance, True Believer? I actually worked in a law firm for two months. And then, the film Chaplin, I had a little cameo in that. I actually traveled in time, back to the twenties, where-- oh, heh, I've said too much. INSPECTOR Welcome aboard. The next morning, Homer is taking a shower. He steps out of the cubicle and reaches for his towel, but can't find it. Apu hands the towel to Homer. APU Good morning, sir! HOMER Aah! APU Relax, please. You do not have anything I have not seen before. (looks down) What the-- Homer has a lollipop stuck to his chest. HOMER Uh... I like to keep a lollipop there. In the kitchen, Apu stacks cans of corn in a pyramid. MARGE Hmm... Apu, we normally store out cans in the cupboard. APU Oh they'll never move that way. Bart and Lisa enter and take a can each. LISA Mmm, corn. Haven't had that in a while. BART Yeah, delicious corn. BART & LISA Bye. They leave. Marge looks in the fridge. MARGE Oh, we're low on milk for Maggie. You want to come with me to the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu accidentally knocks over the stack of cans in shock. APU Please, Mrs. Simpson, I...I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual de-pantsing. MARGE Hmm...well, I guess we could go to that new Monstromart. The Monstromart is a huge concrete block. The store's motto reads "Where Shopping Is A Baffling Ordeal". Inside, the products are oversized, the aisles are wide, and the shelving reaches to the ceiling. Marge picks up a huge box of nutmeg. MARGE Ooh, that's a good price for twelve pounds of nutmeg. APU Oh, great selection at rock-bottom prices. But where is the love? An announcement comes over the tannoy. TANNOY Attention, Monstromart shoppers. Just a reminder that we love each and every one of you. CUSTOMERS Ahh... Barney pushes a flatbed trolley with a large keg of Duff Beer on it. He passes a display of pancake syrup bottles, shaped like people. BARNEY (approaching a bottle) Excuse me ma'am, where are the lampshades? (pushing the bottle on the 'shoulder') Ma'am? (he knocks the bottle over, spilling syrup) Oh no. I've killed her! It's all happening again!! He screams and runs into a display of cranberry juice bottles, causing a tidal wave to wash down the aisle that Marge and Apu are in. SHOP ASSISTANT (drowning) Help me! Help m-- (he goes under, then resurfaces) Mmm, it's cran-tastic! Marge and Apu arrive at the Express Lane, which is strictly "1000 Items Or Less". APU Look, Mrs. Simpson, the express line is the fastest line not always. That old man up front, he is staved for attention, he will talk the cashier's head off. The old man is Grampa Simpson. GRAMPA Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957 I remember it was. I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown. APU Let's cut to... that line. MARGE But that's the longest! APU Yes, but look: all pathetic single men. Only cash, no chit-chat. They move through the line quickly. Marge sighs with satisfaction. At the Kwik-E-Mart, James Woods serves Jimbo. WOODS 75, 85, 90, and a dollar. Thank you, and come again. (Jimbo starts to leave) Hey wait a minute! Hey! Uh, could I just ask you a question? Did you, heh, did you believe that, I mean, the way I gave you the change, that I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy? JIMBO Actually, I though it was a little laboured. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man! WOODS Yeah, like yeah, okay great! Okay, let's just try that again. Okay, come on. (Jimbo starts to leave) Come on, hey, hey hey hey! Hey!! Get over here! (Jimbo comes back to the counter) Okay, now you're you, I'm me. JIMBO I'm me? WOODS (grabs Jimbo) Hey, don't jerk me around, fella. Back at the Simpson home, the family eat dinner. HOMER Pass the chutney. MARGE Apu, you've been so helpful. If it weren't for him, we'd still be in line at the Monstromart. LISA And he taught me how to play the Shenai. (plays a weird wind instrument) HOMER (shudders) Oh, that's even worse than the album Grampa released. BART And he taught me how to do this. (he wraps his legs around behind his head) I got out of school 'cause I told them I was mangled in a car wreck. APU Thank you all for the kind praise. HOMER Well, you deserve it. All these vegetables are really clearing the cholesterol out of the old heart. Inside Homer's body, cholesterol makes its way from his stomach to his brain, causing it to spark like electricity. HOMER (in a trance) Uh. Apu friend me good. LISA I think what my father's saying is, you're like a member of the family now. APU I feel that way too. You see... Whether igloo hut or lean-to, or a geodesic dome, There's no structure I have been to which I'd rather call my home. GRAMPA (Entering) Hello...Aah! Apu take his cane and he falls down. Music starts and Apu sings. APU When I first arrived, you were all such jerks, But now I've come to looooooove your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can philosophise, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fella, Sorry 'bout the salmonella. HOMER (spoken) Heh heh, that's okay. APU Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Now here's the tricky part. Oh, won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? MARGE Their floors are stick-E-Mart. LISA They made Dad sick-E-Mart. BART Let's hurl a brick-E-Mart! HOMER The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'oh! FAMILY & APU Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? APU Not meeee... (held) FAMILY (backing) Forget the Kwik-E-Mart, Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart, Who needs the Kwik-E-mart? APU Not me! The song finishes. Apu leaves the room; the family dust themselves off and sit on the sofa. HOMER (sighs) Everything really wrapped up nicely. (looks at watch)Hmm, much quicker than usual. MARGE I guess we learned that happiness is wherever you find it. HOMER And we've all found happiness, every one of us. He turns on the TV, but hears sobbing coming from outside. HOMER Hey, what's that sound? Apu is sat on the roof of the house. APU (lonely singing) Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I dooooo... HOMER Hey, he's not happy at all. He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that! ACT THREE In the Simpsons living room. APU I can't lie to myself, you know. I do miss my Kwik-E-Mart. LISA Isn't there anything you can do to get your job back? APU I must go to the head office and appeal my case. HOMER I'm coming with you. I got you fired, it's the least I can do. Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing, but I'll go you one better and come along! APU But sir, the head office is in India. HOMER Okay. LISA Dad, that's over ten thousand miles away. HOMER I'm aware of that! LISA That's over sixteen thousand kilometers! HOMER D'oh! Homer and Apu ride mules across a sandy plain. They reach the edge of a cliff... where Springfield Airport resides in the distance. APU I'm sorry we couldn't take a cab, but I spent my last dollar on the plane tickets. The plane is flying over some mountains. HOMER Are we in India yet? APU No. HOMER Are we in India yet? APU No. HOMER Are we in India yet? APU No. HOMER Are we in India yet? APU No. Oh wait... now we are. At the Kwik-E-Mart, James Woods cleans a microwave oven, while on the phone. WOODS Tony, T-Tony, you're my agent: you have to do something about this. How can it be the same movie if they're changed my character from a tightly-wound convenience store clerk to a jittery eskimo firefighter? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hmm. Actually, that's...that's a pretty good explanation. Now this gross, this'll be gross points right in this new...? Okay. Yeah, 'cause those monkeys... yeah, okay, great. Okay, look: book me a flight,rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that boom! I am outta here, I'm a dot, I'm gone, okay? What do you mean, I gotta give two weeks notice? (tries scraping some cheese off the oven) Why you frickin', no good mother-(beep) (beep-beep-beep-beep) cheese! ...No, not you, I'm just talking to my oven. Homer and Apu arrive at the airport in India. A group of men are singing in the lounge. MEN If you're saved and you know it, clap your hands! If you're saved and you know it, clap your hands! INDIAN MAN (sarcastically)Oh, great. Christians. Homer, Apu, and several other people cling on to the side of a full train. CONDUCTOR (on tannoy) Attention passengers, dinner is now being served on the dining car. The passengers edge their way along the outside of the train, then climb in a window of the next carriage behind. Homer and Apu's journey continues through desert and mountain terrains,ending up out of breath on a twisty mountain pathway. APU There she is. There she is, the world's first convenience store. The camera pans up to show a building at the very top of the mountain. HOMER This isn't very convenient. APU Must you dump on everything we do? They approach the store. Inside, an old Hindu man sits towards to rear, drinking a Squishee. A sign behind him reads: "The Master Knows All; Except Combination To Safe" APU He is the benevolent and enlightened president and C.E.O. of Kwik-E- Mart -and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. He is the one I must ask for my job back. C.E.O. Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions. APU That's great, because all I need is one. HOMER Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? C.E.O. Yes. HOMER Really? C.E.O. Yes. HOMER You? C.E.O. Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. APU But, I must-- C.E.O. Thank you, come again. APU But-- C.E.O. Thank you, come again. HOMER (outside the store) Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu reaches out to strangle Homer. HOMER No need to apologize, Apu. It was as much my fault as it was yours. Apu lunges at Homer, strangling him. HOMER (choked) Okay, Apu! I accept your apology! They fall down the side of the mountain. Returning home, the rest of the family run up. BART & LISA Dad! Dad! What'd you bring us? What you bring? MARGE How did it go? HOMER Fine! (Apu scowls) Oh, I mean, not good. LISA I'm sorry, Apu. But remember: (sings) who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? APU Do you mind? I'm not in the mood. HOMER Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead. APU Yes, yes, you are right, sir. I've got to accept my fate. I have feared it for long enough now. I'm going to go down to the Kwik-E-Mart and I'm going to face my demon! MARGE Oh, that'll work out great! We're out of Lucky Charms. Apu marches into the Kwik-E-Mart, and looks pleased to see something. APU Ah, my old Squishee machine. And my scum bucket with flies. And a hot-check list. James Woods comes to the counter. WOODS Hey, you're Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, aren't you? I mean, you're the... God, you're like THE guy, you're a legend around here. Can I ask you, is it true you once worked 96 hours straight? APU Oh yes, it was horrible I tell you. By the end I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind. WOODS Oh yeah, you know, I studied your old security tapes. He plays a tape that shows Apu running back and forth, flapping his arms like a bird and making a high-pitched hum. APU In a few minutes, I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head. Suddenly, a robber comes in with a gun. ROBBER All right, you. Hand over the cash and don't try any funny stuff. WOODS Hey, pal, I assure you: if I tried any funny stuff, you would be in hysterics. ROBBER Hey, you're James Woods! WOODS Oh thank you, yes, thank you. ROBBER Well, Mr. Woods, your new song is going to be number three with a bullet! WOODS I-- I'm not a singer. ROBBER Shut up! He aims the gun. In slow motion, Apu dives in front of James Woods as the robber fires. APU (slow motion) Nooooooo! The robber runs off. WOODS Apu! APU (in Woods' arms) The searing kiss of hot lead: how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying. WOODS (quietly) Hey. At the hospital, the Simpsons, James Woods and Dr. Hibbert gather round Apu in a bed. HIBBERT (chuckling)Well, you are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery. WOODS Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart. APU Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're-- WOODS But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a far away planet. MARGE That sounds like a good movie! WOODS (nervously) Yes. Yes, a...a movie, yes. He leaves. HOMER Hey, let's all hug Apu! They hug Apu, then stand around as if waiting for something. Homer looks at his watch. HOMER Hey, there's still time. Let's hug him again! They hug Apu again. Fade to credits.