Bar Jazz Classics

[Round 1: XQZ] Hey, Flex (Yes, sir) You hard to hate, man Why pretend? I respect Madflex I think of you when I think of role models You know, if you're white and Ben Affleck I asked Lexx for this match back when I was on a bad stretch But now? I just feel gross battlin' someone that hasn't been on SMACK yet But don't worry I'm not gonna rap all monotone this time I remember our discussion, Lexx You told me how I need to slow the pacing down Make sure to take a couple breaths Change my voice throughout the bar so that the right part of the punch inflects Control the tempo I said, "Bro, you had me at 'punchin' Flex'." Welcome to iBattle I know you're used to havin' multiple months to plan And this isn't some unorganized shitshow hosted by Lush and Dan Bro, this 'bout to be nothin' like BOTZ I hope that you understand There, you won a title for sonnin' Sam Kolt Now you in the CVLT wit' the Son of Sam This is my yard I'm 'bout to make light work of this tryhard In New York, wit' that illegal grip: George Brett wit' the pine tar He loves to tell his opponents how extravagant his hotels and his flights are Man, he can get backslapped wherever this mark stay Now it's a 5-star I said, don't get big-headed Anyone predictin' him to win, bet it I already turned the tables when the show's a minute in: I'm Jim Everett Get your train derailed Hulk-smashed through the safety rail Say the wrong thing, catch a 30 from the Jew like Facebook jail! I say, you been gassed since you came here Whole time on the same tier But you learned to stack multis and do the right hand motions to pass simple shit like it's Shakespeare It's all an illusion, to make the fans feel like they missed somethin' if they ain't cheer It's all a smokescreen, and I'm just laughin' at it, like Cape Fear Like, you told K Philosophy, "I grew up on Black Moon" It shook the damn room, so I guess I can't hate But what was your point? You listen to rap? A lot of people do...it's got a pretty big fanbase I mean, what were you expecting? A fuckin' plaque and a Lord Jamar handshake? Like, "Due to your vast knowledge of golden-era rap tapes I now pronounce you no longer a guest in a Black space" I mean...I grew up on '90s hip-hop, too But that part just didn't translate You know, I was more of an Onyx fan, so I'mma 'Shut 'Em Down' in his 'Last Days' Nah, that was wack I was an Onyx fan, so it's nothin' but BaldHeads in Mad' face! Who is this!? I'll crumple your whole resume and roof the shit Brian, you're 40, you were born in Generation X - you should be used to this But don’t worry about how long I’ve been doin’ this, or if the style’s a little old-fashioned These bitches still don’t know how to get rid of me like Closed Captions Let's go [Round 1: Madflex] Long ago...there was a thread that said, "Who you wanna see on iBattle the most?" No more...no less...that was the post And there were three names on top when they tallied the votes At #3, it was Ave At #2, Mackk Myron #1...iBattle, I am glad to be home Let's fuckin' talk XQZ...your name is the sound that happens when you sneeze You hit the shitter and you gather up a restroom tee Uh-oh! The whole audience love me You robotically punchy like a Neptunes beat Uh-oh! I'm normally expensive, Steve! Lexx was like, "We gon' get you on that first-class flight" I said, "Fuck that. For you, Lexx? JetBlue seat. I'm generous." I'll save the big dance for Steven and his left two feet Don't step to me... 'Cause like the truth and your price, I'm gonna set you free Let's clear this up right now Pipe the fuck down You will not compare my belt to your absolutely nothing John Cena: you had a title that came with a twist You shoulda known that you'd be leavin' wit' a Attitude Adjustment! Why the fuck I need a whole round to tone down!? 'Cause Steven need a safe space to battle me wit' batteries that busted Out here lookin' like every single person that works at Trader Joe's But I'm bananas off the cuff, and this is casual I heard you say you "swingin' from the jump like the Draft Combine" No, you slap stick - now we really havin' a discussion Fuck a battle wit' you What is that gonna prove? It's just a catch-22 Who are you - Andrew McCutcheon? And you ain't battlin' Mook, but I'm still handin' this dude murder (Murda) talkin' over the Top until a- Smack interrupts it! Fuck you! Naw, I'm just playin' This the No Coast Champ? Feelin' like a poser wit' this warrior like it's yoga class I heard he ten toes down without a slow-mo' cam' Felt like last week he tried to get on Caffeine But they already knew that he was full of it like NoDoz tabs Steven, you won't test me, you no Gretzky You are low-low-lo- like the lowest-of-the-low Pescis Even if I go lefty, I'll punch 'til X beside himself BOP-BOP! Dos Equis! I am fire! Steven, you won't raise no Derringers You look like you are a created character In a game called "I'm Making a Great America" I know you are tired of waiting And it's been years You have got inspiring patience They don't sleep on you, you put them in hibernation But you give me sarcasm and some violent statements Without any real command over your style and cadence All we see is X wit' no lane open: that's driver's training We happy, X? You can't beat Flex And I'm just throwin' this out there No, Steve, you get the Jazzy Jeff And you get two more rounds 'cause they produce Cash Money like, "Mmmm...man, he (Mannie) Fresh!" That's how you treat 'em when they don't have respect Go 'head [Round 2: XQZ] Yo, at first I kinda thought I would love this But...the more I'm around you, I get disgusted It's like seein' how I'd turn out in 10 years if I didn't destroy my brain doin' fun shit You used to battle at BOTZ dead sober It's no wonder you were the Zae champ They're all off doin' shrooms and acid while you just practice all enthusiastic in the way back Go up, rap your heart out They're all amazed like..."Did that talking llama just say that?" Man, you waited 'til the crowd was fucked up and then took advantage of 'em Man, they got date-rapped It's really no wonder that little championship belt was like your prized possession You flew to Manchester with that thing Spent all 60 dollars Premier paid you on the extra bag fee I mean, what if they questioned you at security? They coulda detained you so you can't leave They could've made you take a polygraph...think how humiliating that'd be The dude walks in like, "So what are you doin' wit' this belt?" "Well, actually, I'm an athlete." EHHT! "I- I collect memorabilia, and this is a very valuable antique." EHHT! "Alright, fine...I won it 'cause I'm the champion of a rap league." EHHT! "(*sigh*) ...Dirtbag Dan's league. Can I go now?" Look, I was No Coast champ for 10 years before I walked away I was the first one in their Hall of Fame And for your information, it wasn't nothing - they gave me a fuckin' wallet chain We are not the same We were both champs, but most fans give him more credit But my career has never stopped progressing Which way is yours headed? I said, that belt had you stuck going in circles: you George Jetson And that last bar was in Madflex's native language, which is, of course, obscure reference I'm 'bove the load! You're a gym rat, right? Well, think core stretchin' Get knocked flat on the floor, Flex, and put a stop to any more tension I'm a legend, so act like this was no pressure, low effort Ghost pepper: you put that on somethin', but you know better You flexin' on who? I'm chain-smokin' in a sleek corporate lounge Had the D&G slides 'til the beach wore 'em down I send a signal to his chick, she takes a detour through town And I just whistled to the trick like "Sweet Georgia Brown" I'm a Globetrotter, and I got the resources now My ties by the seashore? Before a three-course at Tao You flexin' on who? A scholar and a gentleman too I got bands...ah, I need to rest for a few I didn't know it was this exhausting tryin' to pretend to be smooth Flex, I don't know where you find the fuckin' energy, dude That's time [Round 2: Madflex] Steven's favorite thing to say in battle rap is..."We off that" It's like the Bat-Signal Nerds from everywhere hear it like "Aw, snap..." But you not bringin' MF Doom: that is all cap You did great that round, but let me make a few suggestions When you get, like, too excited and fake like you aggressive And shakin' and get tense just tryin' to make it through a sentence Maybe quit battle rap... My name is Madflex X isn't even in discussion This is not the Crucible, this is Roman numerals Bitch, I'm 10 times X and I'm just keepin' it 100 There's a difference I've never ever only been a BOTZ guy My numbers went up in the right circles: I been clockwise I'm travelin', out there on the boss dime I watched you go to Don't Flop and flop more than LeBron drives Every U.K. trip, my name is replaced wit' the statement, "Holy shit. That dude is the greatest of all time." Look at Steven He been basic, abrasive, racist, tasteless You got a style that says, "I'm fucking great at this online." Talk right You soft and light You might attract a moth in flight Chalk lines, I drop you in the octagon like stop signs Pencil-neck- I said, pencil-neck, you'll get John Wick'd when his dog dies! I'm an era-era personified like Father Time All day, Beyoncé: I'm leavin' this child behind What you figure? It take, one swing, then walk off like bottom of the 9th? Sent to floor, metaphor: X stoppin' on a dime Punch with bad form NBA bubble half-court, 'cause I'm makin' statements They seein' that lives are on the line Imagine Steve in front of 1,500 people when you walk inside They groom you to be altered (altar) and that gives you away like the father of the bride They don't peep his shit Who fuckin' wit' fire awkward rhymes? And that's prob'ly why you hear the same amount of No's (nose)...you see when you cross your eyes! [XQZ] That's pretty good, man [Madflex] And that's a lotta No's (nose), Steven Look, I heard you say if you were loud and angry, you'd think you would be hard to beat I can't say that I do not agree The dork under the content is the basic problem, Steve It's not the bars, it's who you are It's, like, the way you talk and breathe It's fuckin'- I don't know, man Look at you, man...take your ball and leave What's the problem? For fuck's sake! They kick you out, you just wait Your feet never got off the ground: you oversell the pump-fake You are not ahead of your time because you showed up on Saturday with a nasty case of the Mondays You played yourself, and you don't take it well Take the L Go show it to your motherfuckin' friends, dude - it's gun-shaped This is meant to be, XQZ Whatever grudge you've been holding against vowels...please let us know Spell it out for us...'cause we can't pronounce just letters, bro "Cuh-cue-zizz" No, fuck a vowel - I get it, bro 'Cause I'm tired of the you's (U's) of the world too Aye (A), can I get- O(H)! WHAT!? Down 2, I know he's concerned 'Cause even though your career's a revolving door... Fuck it, I suppose X needs a turn Go ahead (*The cameras cut off because Madflex saves a fan from almost passing out due to dehydration. A brief pause in the action.*) [Round 3: XQZ] Aight, well, after that heroic little performance...I'm not sure winnin' this round is possible 'Cause- (*Chvnk pretends to fall forward while standing behind XQZ*) Oh, shit! I got you, bro! [Madflex] That was so good, dude! That was so good! [XQZ] Time! Aight... I understand this is a fun thing to do on Saturdays But it was weird seeing you get all physical in your last battle and try to punk a kid that's half your age It's like after years of not making it, you thought some extra tough shit would have Smack amazed and make your status change When you just kinda came off like Happy Gilmore in the batting cage Act your age But we off that You put on a Sorting Hat and it put you in the Fresh Coast supporting cast Your career never got out the gate: that's a Dale Denton boarding pass That's a pandering bar I am Ali before the draft You Ali with a torch to pass You'll be dead by the end of the third like Majora's Mask Some battles aren't all wins and losses And on a personal level, this is more than that Got trashed by the media this week, came roarin' back 'Cause real elevation's not about goin' fast - it's a steady climb And I've prepped for mine, knowin' I can get knocked off the ledge anytime 'Cause they said, "This the one. Bring your best for Flex, or get left behind." Hyperbaric chamber: to reach peak performance, I just needed to feel that pressure rise As far as that Crucible goes, what I heard from the Champion panel didn't bother me 'Cause it's still a few years before they've been a champion as long as me I was here before they made you from the DNA of Dirtbag and Pass I am Nerd Battle Rap Hall of Fame first-ballot class I might be lower-tier according to them VerseTracker stats But I done ghostwrote for more classics than Burt Bacharach Cats that rap like us don't even usually get a first glance from SMACK So if I heard URL's goin' after Brian, I'd think, "Fuck yeah! Urlacher's back!" But I got love for Champion, so I kept workin' with my head down and never soured No matter what I'm dealin' with, even when I'm pennin' rounds in the 11th hour I get it - you can't make it off writing alone You need some special powers Some signature move, more performance, start projecting louder But that shit had me feelin' like my girl on Valentine's Day when I forget about her Like, okay, I can accept maybe I don't have presence (presents), but I still better get my flowers! I said, they talk about about the volume I spoke, knowin' the pen's not even close Said, "Take a less modest approach, you get stronger results." They hyped off his last joint, and forgot I'm the next star from the CVLT Polo G: the Juice 'Flex' got gets deaded after a guest spot wit' The GOAT! But all that aside, I'm just glad I battled Madflex...and survived him Like, it's been a fantastic ride And whether we ever become top-tier, it doesn't matter, Brian Who's to say battlin' on small leagues can't be just as satisfyin'? I'm just happy for the last 20 minutes, I briefly forgot that the planet's dyin' Thank you [Round 3: Madflex] I got barfed on when I wrote this... By now, you get it Sell low, then you can aim high: typical head kick I figured "XQZ Round 3, go take a shit" So I could say I took a shit when I wrote this when I said this But I couldn't get aggressive This frat boy been talkin' 'bout the block nonstop I knew he wouldn't get the message But the way he gettin' drug through the street on repeat This coulda been an intervention Here's the thing, bro You dried-up, tied to location The thrist was real He was searchin' for a flow and the illusion was No Coast like an oasis You do not matter (*to Lexx*) And you lettin' the daycare run wild Shit, Lexx is at fault The worst X (ex) got the call? This is a basic drunk-dial What are you doin'? I'm untested Since way back in the day, I got 'em wrackin' (rack in) they brains See how I activate Krang with just one sentence? And I can make that two Because you are the embodiment of logic...and it's gut-wrenching Slap a bitch You the champion of pacifism Woke up one day, looked his girlfriend dead in the kneecaps like, "Baby, I'm what SMACK's been missin'." No, you're not! You are a local guy who mobilizes gas emissions And I ain't gonna butter you up - you ain't even half of Biscuit Lexx, you are a damn good scout But I doubt you had any hope of seein' Steven at the finish It was, "Hey, your beard's orange." Just...I don't know, put it all together Maybe we can fuckin' make it work We can hack the system Whatever the fuck we talkin' 'bout I said, we can hack the system Ah, what was I gonna say? [XQZ] I don't even know, man [Madflex] Yeah, yeah So I said, uh...I said, dye your beard orange Forget about...performance Uh, duh-duh-duh-duh, hack the system Yeah, that was it And then XQZ walks out, loads the clip like this (*Madflex stomps on the floor while smacking his right hand balled into a fist with his left hand*) Lexx is like, "Aw, shit, we made a bad decision." You are a ghostwriter, the home-typer You can't just fix this You're an old-timer, there's no fire to package him with Told him, "Don't forget about his right to bear arms." Bro, you literally have a bear's arms, and you have to trim this This is torture Last time I got whisked around Chicago, this the chauffeur And then I promise, I realized real quick that the trip was over When I asked him if there was some snow in Chicago...and he spit "Informer" I do not give a fuck if the No Coast title is involved Protect him next to Flex If it's not a Weapon, X, they'll have to wire up his jaw! How we scorin' this fight? I been a vet I triple X like the porn that you hide If I go light on you, you still gotta go to the light You've had a yellow belt longer than the dude that eats the hot dogs on the Fourth of July And you look like the dude that eats the hot dogs on the Fourth of July! My man, it's been fun - hello and goodbye Aye, Lexx, playin' Pokémon, I'm plannin' my attacks Now that I left this little Venusaur planted on his back Bitch, you a straight poser, flamethrower Body count full of slain soldiers High risk, low reward, no remorse - game over