My Heart Will Go On

[OLIVER, spoken] So a month ago or so I was feeling super confident and sexy And so of course I figured 'Hey, you know what? I'm just going to put myself out there and organise some dates!' But oh my babies, there are dates, and then there's stuff I've been getting up to [OLIVER] Friday night, I had pinned a Date in the diary with a boy from Tinder Six foot three, worked in the city Boring job but he were pretty He said [BOY FROM TINDER] "Where and when?" [OLIVER] I said, "Meet at 10" Kinda late but it gave me a bit more Time to make sure I looked fit Have a shower, style my hair Spend an hour on what to wear Painting my nails and shaving my face Making my bed- just in case Put my favourite Beyoncé on Drink a glass of Sauvignon blanc I'm looking so glamorous, feeling alright And I text the boy, "Still on for tonight?" [BOY FROM TINDER] "It's getting late" [OLIVER] "Yeah" [BOY FROM TINDER] "And I can't wait" [OLIVER] "Yeah" [BOY FROM TINDER] "To head home 'cause I'm actually knackered, are you free next week instead?" [OLIVER] "Sure" [BOY FROM TINDER] "So sorry" [OLIVER] "Don't worry, just let me know when, no hurry!" [OLIVER] Hey girl [NANCY] Hey girl [OLIVER] Let's go out! [OLIVER] The second I hit the floor Everything from before fades away 'Cause I'm dancing from the window to the wall Who cares about the guy Who left me high and dry? It's no big deal and it doesn't affect my self-esteem at all 'Cause I might have had one date cancel But I'm feeling fine about it [OLIVER, spoken] So yeah these things happen [NANCY, spoken] Yeah exactly, it was no big deal [OLIVER, spoken] I mean sure, I wasted a bit of time shaving my...legs [OLIVER] But never mind 'cause one week later I met a cute gallery curator Wanna rip off his double denim Make his bed like Tracey Emin So we set a date Wednesday at the Tate Then he cancelled but he said [GALLERY CURATOR] "Hey let's do Saturday instead" One more day for getting ready Haircut, wet shave, mani-pedi Pop all my pimples, primp up my face Haven't wanked all week- just in case Getting nervous, Google Van Gogh Down a pint of Cabernet Sauv Order an Uber and when they arrive I text the boy, "Hey, see you in five?" "Are you on your way?" "Hey?" "Hello." [OLIVER] Hey girl [NANCY] Not again? [OLIVER] It's fine! Let's go out! [OLIVER] The second I hit the town Forget he let me down And I get down 'cause the club can't even handle me right now Won't chop off my ear For boys who don't appear It's no big deal and all art is pretentious bullshit anyhow So I might have had three dates cancel [GALLERY CURATOR] "Hey, really sorry only just got home and charged my phone, listen I had an absolute nightmare-" [OLIVER] But I'm feeling fine about it Took a risk with date number four Bit awkward 'cause we snogged before But I thought he might not dismiss me 'Cause at least once tried to kiss me He said [DATE NUMBER FOUR] "Ok sure I've got a rugby tour But I've got time before my flight So call me up later on tonight" Pluck my brows, ring him on the phone Hear the international dial tone Date number five and I'm excited Feels like this time something's right He didn't seem like the type...to... [OLIVER, spoken] Oh my god no oh it's totally fine, appendicitis is the worst, you get that thing out of there [OLIVER] Date number six I'm feeling shoddy If he cancels might kill somebo- Date number seven Date Date nine, now the first one's back in touch Do I always sweat this much? Says he'll meet me at the bar "Yay can't wait, ha ha ha" Wash me body for an hour You can't see tears in the shower Tissues and ice cream already in place Downloaded Titanic, just in case Pause before me full-length mirror Analyse me every flaw Come to accept I'll be fine on my own As I crawl into bed go to turn off me phone [BOY FROM TINDER] "Work kept me late So sorry I went straight to the bar But I'm a bit early so no rush, can't wait" [OLIVER] "Are you sure?" [BOY FROM TINDER] "What?" [OLIVER] "I mean, great, just heading out the door!" [OLIVER] Hey girl! [NANCY] I'm on my way [OLIVER] No, he's there I'm going out! The second I hit the bar I spot him from afar And I know my heart will go on near, far, wherever you are I pull up a chair There's magic in the air As he leans in and says [BOY FROM TINDER] "Have you done something new with your hair?" [OLIVER] Someone cares Ah! I seem to make him laugh He's friendly to the staff And he tells me about the stock exchange for an hour and a half He says [BOY FROM TINDER] "This was fun" [OLIVER] Walks me home at half past one He asks if I've got any plans this weekend I said, "None!" 'Cause I might have had one, two, three, four, five, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz, seven, eight dates cancel, cancel But number nine was alright