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INT. LIBRARY - DAY They are sitting on the floor in a circle. ANDREW What would I do for a million bucks? Well, I guess I'd do as little as I had to... CLAIRE That's boring... ANDREW Well, how'm I s'posed to answer? CLAIRE The idea is to like search your mind for the absolute limit. Like, uh, would you drive to school naked? Andrew laughs. ANDREW Um, uh...would I have to get out of the car? CLAIRE Of course... ANDREW In the spring, or winter? CLAIRE It doesn't matter...spring... ANDREW In front of the school or in back of the school? CLAIRE Either one... ANDREW Yes... ALLISON I'd do that! They all look at her. ALLISON I'll do anything sexual, I don't need a million dollars to do it either... CLAIRE You're lying... ALLISON I already have...I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal...I'm a nymphomaniac! Claire rolls her eyes. CLAIRE Lie... BRIAN Are your parents aware of this? ALLISON The only person I told was my shrink... ANDREW And what'd he do when you told him? ALLISON He nailed me... CLAIRE Very nice... ALLISON I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him. CLAIRE He's an adult! Allison is relishing this attention. ALLISON Yeah...he's married too! Claire notes her disgust. CLAIRE Do you have any idea how completely gross that is? ALLISON Well, the first few times... CLAIRE First few times? You mean he did it more than once? ALLISON Sure... CLAIRE Are you crazy? BRIAN Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing her shrink... ALLISON (to Claire) Have you ever done it? CLAIRE I don't even have a psychiatrist... ALLISON Have you ever done it with a normal person? CLAIRE Now, didn't we already cover this? BENDER You never answered the question... CLAIRE Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers. ALLISON It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it? CLAIRE A what? ALLISON Well, if you say you haven't... you're a prude. If you say you have...you're a slut! It's a trap. You want to but you can't but when you do you wish you didn't, right? CLAIRE Wrong... ALLISON Or, are you a tease? ANDREW She's a tease... CLAIRE Oh why don't you just forget it... ANDREW You're a tease and you know it, all girls are teases! BENDER (to Andrew) She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot... CLAIRE I don't do anything! ALLISON That's why you're a tease... CLAIRE Okay, lemme ask you a few questions. Allison is suddenly defensive. ALLISON I've already told you everything! CLAIRE No! Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love. I mean don't you want any respect? ALLISON I don't screw to get respect...That's the difference between you and me... CLAIRE Not the only difference, I hope. BENDER Face it, you're a tease. CLAIRE I'm not a tease! BENDER Sure you are! You said it yourself sex is a weapon, you use it to get respect! CLAIRE No, I never said that, she twisted my words around. BENDER Oh then what do you use it for? CLAIRE I don't use it period! Claire is on the verge of tears. BENDER Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological? CLAIRE I didn't mean it that way! You guys are putting words into my mouth! BENDER Well if you'd just answer the question... BRIAN Why don't you just answer the question? ANDREW Be honest... BENDER No big deal... BRIAN Yeah, answer it! ANDREW Answer the question, Claire! BENDER Talk to us! ANDREW & BRIAN Come on, answer the question! BENDER It's easy, it's only one question! Claire silences all of them by screaming. CLAIRE (screaming) No! I never did it! Silence for two beats. ALLISON I never did it either, I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar... CLAIRE You are such a bitch! You did that on purpose just to fuck me over! ALLISON I would do it though...If you love someone it's okay... CLAIRE I can't believe you, you're so weird. You don't say anything all day and then when you open your mouth...you unload all these tremendous lies all over me! ANDREW You're just pissed off because she got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to... CLAIRE Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre... ANDREW What's bizarre? I mean we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all. CLAIRE (to Andrew) How are you bizarre? Allison decides to field that question. ALLISON He can't think for himself... ANDREW She's right...do you guys know what, uh, what I did to get in here? I taped Larry Lester's buns together. Claire laughs. BRIAN (to Andrew) That was you? ANDREW (to Brian) Yeah, you know him? BRIAN Yeah, I know him... ANDREW Well then you know how hairy he is, right? Well, when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some, some skin too... CLAIRE Oh my God... ANDREW And the bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda... he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him...And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry havin' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation...fucking humiliation he mustuv felt. It mustuv been unreal...I mean, (he's crying) I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I fucking hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore..."Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family...Your intensity is for shit! Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a bitch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me... BENDER I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling. Andrew laughs briefly. BRIAN It's like me, you know, with my grades...like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't. CLAIRE What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself? BRIAN 'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um...and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on...my light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life... When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average... BENDER Why'd you think it'd be easy? BRIAN Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop? BENDER I take shop...you must be a fuckin' idiot! BRIAN I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp? BENDER No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp... BRIAN What do you know about Trigonometry? BENDER I could care less about Trigonometry... BRIAN Bender, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering? BENDER Without lamps, there'd be no light! CLAIRE Okay so neither one of you is any better than the other one... Allison feels left out. ALLISON I can write with my toes! I can also eat, brush my teeth... CLAIRE With your feet? ALLISON ...play Heart & Soul on the piano. BRIAN I can make spaghetti! CLAIRE (to Andrew) What can you do? ANDREW I can...uh...tape all your buns together... BENDER I wanna see what Claire can do! CLAIRE I can't do anything. BENDER Now, everybody can do something... CLAIRE There's one thing I can do, no forget it, it's way too embarrassing. BENDER You ever seen Wild Kingdom? I mean that guy's been doing that show for thirty years. CLAIRE Okay, but you have to swear to God you won't laugh...I can't believe I'm actually doing this... Claire takes lipstick out and opens it. She places it between her breasts and applies it from her cleavage. When she lifts her head, her lipstick is perfect. Everyone claps. Bender's clap is sarcastic and slow. ANDREW All right, great! Where'd you learn to do that? CLAIRE Camp, seventh grade... BENDER That was great, Claire...my image of you is totally blown... ALLISON You're a shit! Don't do that to her you swore to God you wouldn't laugh! BENDER Am I laughing? ANDREW You fucking prick! Bender turns to Andrew. As he speaks, we can see his words hitting home. BENDER What do you care what I think, anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference...I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? (he turns to Claire) And you...don't like me anyway! CLAIRE You know, I have just as many feelings as you do and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them! BENDER God, you're so pathetic! (furious) Don't you ever...ever! Compare yourself to me! Okay? You got everything, and I got shit! Fuckin' Rapunzel, right? School would probably fucking shut down if you didn't show up! "Queenie isn't here!" I like those earrings Claire. CLAIRE (quietly) Shut up... BENDER Are those real diamonds, Claire? CLAIRE (angry) Shut up! BENDER CLAIRE I bet they are...did you work, for the money Shut... for those earrings? Your mouth! BENDER Or did your daddy buy those? CLAIRE (furious) Shut up! Claire starts crying. BENDER I bet he bought those for you! I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right? You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fuckin' year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "Hey! Smoke up Johnny!" Okay, so go home'n cry to your daddy, don't cry here, okay? There are a few beats. ANDREW My God, are we gonna be like our parents? CLAIRE Not me...ever... ALLISON It's unavoidable, it just happens. CLAIRE What happens? ALLISON When you grow up, your heart dies. BENDER Who cares? Allison is on the verge of tears herself. ALLISON I care... BRIAN Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you guys my friends, I'm not wrong, am I? ANDREW No... BRIAN So, so on Monday...what happens? CLAIRE Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is? BRIAN Yeah... CLAIRE Do you want the truth? BRIAN Yeah, I want the truth... CLAIRE I don't think so... ALLISON Well, do you mean all of us or just John? CLAIRE With all of you... ANDREW That's a real nice attitude, Claire! CLAIRE Oh, be honest, Andy...if Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sports. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him! ANDREW No way! ALLISON 'Kay, what if I came up to you? CLAIRE Same exact thing! BENDER (furious and screaming at Claire) You are a bitch! CLAIRE Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch? BENDER No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like! CLAIRE Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me. BENDER (furious once again) Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to the things you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor--rich--drunk mother in the Carribean! CLAIRE (furious and sobbing) Shut up! BENDER And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom! CLAIRE I hate you! BENDER Yeah? Good! There is silence until Brian speaks. BRIAN Then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos... (to Allison) Do you, would you do that to me? ALLISON I don't have any friends... BRIAN Well if you did? ALLISON No...I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind... BRIAN I just wanna tell, each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty... CLAIRE Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us... Brian laughs at her. BRIAN You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself, why are you like that? CLAIRE (crying again) I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say! BRIAN Well then why do you do it? CLAIRE I don't know, I don't...you don't understand..you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you! Brian is shocked. BRIAN I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well fuck you! Fuck you! Brian hides his head in his arm because he is crying. BRIAN Know why I'm here today? Do you? I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in the locker... ANDREW Why'd you have a gun in your locker? BRIAN I tried. You pull the fuckin' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on, I mean, I... ANDREW What's the gun for Brian? BRIAN Just forget it... ANDREW You brought it up, man! BRIAN I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it! Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me! CLAIRE (with pity) Oh Brian... Brian bashes a chair over. BRIAN So I considered my options, you know? CLAIRE No! Killing yourself is not an option! BRIAN Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so! ALLISON It was a hand gun? BRIAN No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker. ANDREW Really? Andrew starts to laugh. BRIAN It's not funny... They all start to laugh, including Brian. BRIAN Yes it is...fuckin' elephant was destroyed! ALLISON You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing...I didn't have anything better to do. Everyone laughs. ALLISON You're laughing at me... ANDREW No! Allison starts to laugh too. ALLISON Yeah you are! CUT TO: