Dammit, Janet

(Spooky Sound Begins) R: Hey there! Do you like transvestites?! M: Yeah R: Do you like fishnets?! M: Uh-huh R: Do you like Tipper Gore?! M: Tss… No R: Good, cause you won’t find her here! This is the Rocky Horror Picture Show! And for you, it’s only $5! Step right in! M: Thanks R: Say no more virgin! Now, pull down your pants! (Music Begins) *SFX: Rain, Door* Riff: Hello Brad: Hi. My name’s Brad Majors. This is my fiancée, Janet Weiss. I was wondering if you might help us Riff: You’re wet Janet: Yes… it’s raining *SFX: Rain, Thunder* Riff: I think perhaps you’d better both… come inside Wu-Wugga-Woo-WAAAAAAAH! Welcome to the Rocky Horror Picture Show! Say hello to the freaks and whores And get popped, ya cherry virgin groupie! [F: UHH!] Ohh! [F: UHH!] Ohh! [F: UHH!] Okay, start the movie Read my lips about an asshole who’s known as Brad The most uptight juggalo that Denton ever had And Janet, she’s got a broomstick handle sticking up her butt… *I got it!* [SFX: -pop!] …we call her slut! [M: UHH!] Chucky narrates the story, somewhere near a castle *Blam!* You know what that means? There went your tire, asshole! Handyman Riff and Domestic Magenta said ‘Heck, we’ll help!’ *Or had they?* Chuck! Bbbb! Where is your neck?! Guess what? We’re all havin’ a party! So take a chance ‘n See Columbia do a little folk dancin’ Take your clothes off. There’s no need to worry Oh wait, who’s that? In the lift? Ahh! It’s Tim Curry! (-slam!) *Sample from Shock Treatment* R: Welcome to the Rocky Horror! You’re in for a fright... You’re in for a fright… Come to see Rocky Horror, baby It will be all right… It will be all right… Welcome to the Rocky Horror, baby Meet a transvestite... Meet a transvestite… Come to see Rocky Horror, baby Each Saturday night… Each Saturday night… Welcome to the Rocky Horror, baby Janet: What kind of place is this? Brad: Ah, It’s probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos. (-slam!) Frank hit the scene like a fairy Fred Estaire He made a monster who sports golden underwear He was a tanned and toned blonde by the name of “Rocky.” [Frank: That’s no way for you to be acting on your first day out!] Sorry! Look at Eddie. [M: What?] He thinks that he can kick it I’mma have to take that meatloaf and pick it! *splak!* Soon it was bedtime, and sorta like Déjà vu Frank not only did Janet, he did Brad, too! Rocky broke loose, looking for a skank He touched Janet in the fish tank! If you’re down, shout, “Word to Richard O’Brien!” Brad says “Great Scott”, then T.P. goes a flyin’! [Beat Box] – I represent Riff Raff [Beat Box] – Magenta’s my sis [Beat Box] – We’re comin’ outta Southwest… [Beat Box] – Denton, Bitch! Dinner? Sure! The whole cast eats at eight ‘Cept Eddie though, ‘cuz he’s sittin’ on your plate *I knew he was in with a bad crowd…* Who you talkin’ to? Another planet, shmanet, Janet, dammit, AAH, FU- (-slam!) *Sample from Shock Treatment* R: Welcome to the Rocky Horror! You’ll have a good laugh… You’ll have a good laugh… Come to see Rocky Horror, baby Chillin’ with Riff Raff… Chillin’ with Riff Raff… Welcome to the Rocky Horror, baby Columbia cried… Columbia cried… Come to see Rocky Horror, baby When Eddie got fried… When Eddie got fried… Welcome to the Rocky Horror, baby Janet: Look, I’m cold, I’m frightened, and I’m just plain scared! Brad: I’m here, there’s nothing to worry about. (-slam!) It’s… just… a jump… to the left… Then take a step way over to the right-tah! Put… your… hands… on your hips… Then bring your KNEES in so very tight-tah! Then… it’s… the pel… –vic thrust… It really DRIVES yo-ou insa-ane! Let’s… Do… the Time… Warp!… Slam a can of Faygo – Do the Time Warp again! Luke Ski’s down with the Seduction Production… With Cindi, Zac, and Fanboy [M: What about ‘em?] Nuttin! Frank set the stage. He gave each a feather boa And together they perform [THE FLOOR SHOW!] Riff and Magenta’s had enough, so they pulled a switch Will poor Frankie go home? Ha-ha-ha-ha – NO! They took the freak out, and flew the castle home Run along, stupid bitch, you can’t use the phone! (-slam!) (Music Stops.) R: Don’t let the door hit’cha where Frankfurter did’ja! Bitch! (-slam!) *Sample – End of the Time Warp*