The Irony of It All

[Verse 1] Hello, hello My name's Terry and I'm a law-abider There's nothing I like more than getting fired up on beer And when the weekend's here I exercise my right to get paralytic and fight Good bloke, fairly But I get well lairy when geezers look at me funny Bounce 'em 'round like bunnies I'm likely to cause mischief Good clean grief, you must believe, and I ain't no thief Law-abiding and all, all legal And who cares about my liver when it feels good? What you need's some real manhood Rasher Rasher, Barney and Kasha, putting peoples' backs up Public disorder? I'll give you public disorder I down eight pints and run all over the place Spit in the face of an officer See if that bothers ya 'cause I never broke a law in my life Someday, I'm gonna settle down with a wife Come on, lads, let's have another fight [Verse 2] Um, hello, my name's Tim and I'm a criminal In the eyes of society, I need to be in jail For the choice of herbs I inhale This ain't no wholesale operation Just a few eighths and some PlayStation's my vocation I pose a threat to the nation And down the station, the police hold no patience Let's talk space and time I like to get deep sometimes and think about Einstein And Carl Jung, and old Kung Fu movies I like to see Pass the hydrator please Yeah, I'm floating on thin air Going to Amsterdam in the New Year, top gear there 'Cause I take pride in my hobby Homemade bongs using my engineering degree Dear leaders, please legalise weed for these reasons [Verse 3] Like I was saying to him I told him, "Fuck with me and you won't live" So I smacked him in the head and downed another Carling Bada-bada-bing, for the lads like Mad fight, his face a sad sight, vodka and snakebite Going on like a right geez, he's a twat Shouldn't have looked at me like that Anyway, I'm an upstanding citizen If a war came along, I'd be on the front line with 'em Can't stand crime either, them hooligans on heroin Drugs and criminal Those thugs are the pinnacle of the downfall of society I've got all the anger pent up inside of me [Verse 4] You know, I don't see why I should be the criminal How can something with no recorded fatalities be illegal? And how many deaths are there per year from alcohol? I just completed Gran Turismo on the hardest setting We pose no threat on my settee Ooh, the pizza's here, will someone let him in, please? We didn't order chicken Not a problem, we'll pick it out I doubt they meant to mess us about After all, we're all adults, not louts As I was saying, we're friendly, peaceful people We're not the ones out there causing trouble We just sit in this hazy bubble with our quarters Discussing how beautiful Gail Porter is MTV, BBC Two, Channel 4 is on 'til six in the morning Then six in the morning, the sun dawns and it's my bed time [Verse 5] Causing trouble? You're stinking rabble Poised, saying I'm the lad who's spoiling it? You're on drugs Really bugs me when people try and tell me I'm a thug Just for getting drunk, I like getting drunk 'Cause I'm an upstanding citizen If a war came along, I'd be on the front line with 'em [Verse 6] Now Terry, you're repeating yourself But that's okay, drunk people can't help that A chemical reaction happening inside your brain Causes you to forget what you're saying [Verse 7] What? I know exactly what I'm saying I'm perfectly sane, you stinking student lame-o Go get a job and stop robbing us of our taxes [Verse 8] Erm, well, actually, according to research Government funding for further education pales in insignificance When compared to how much they spend on repairing Lairy drunk people at the weekend In casualty wards all over the land [Verse 9] Why, you cheeky little swine, come here I'm gonna batter ya, come here