Ronald Rubinel

Part I: A New World [Style 1: Beastie Boys] Now, here's a little story I gotta tell About a big bad country you know so well It started way back in history Around thirteen thousand (BCE!) Asian people walked through the Bering Strait And migrated down here cause the land was great A viking named Leif Erikson came to But he was like "Man, this place sucks, fuck you" [Style 2: DMX] In 1492, there was Christopher Columbus (What!) And he say, "Yo dawg, there's a new world that needs discovered" He went and tried to find a land called Japan So he got a few ships from his man Ferdinand There was the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa, Maria The Tanya, the Donna, the Anna, the Tina The Kristi, the Bridget, the Mandy, the Tesha I'm just lyin' about Columbus like your teacher (What!) [Style 3: Migos] Columbus is sailing and landed up In the Bahamas of beautiful islands He was greeted by the Arawak Indians It was so friendly it's bad So we started a war with them Stole all their spices, and gold, and their gucci Columbus ain't never step foot in the USA It's named after Amerigo Vespucci Vespucci, Vespucci, Vespucci Italian explorer, a liar so douchey He said he discovered America so Columbus was left off bad and boujee And just like that, A-meri-ca was born Built on a foundation of lies and war [Style 4: E-40] In the 1500s the Conquistadors from Spain Came with Ponce de León lookin' for the Fountain of Youth, mayne They had some bibles, mayne They had some swords, mayne They tried to convert all the natives into Christia-ins (Byatch!) They found a place called Florida Where lots of drugs, crime, and butt naked stage performers, bruh The beach is beautiful, the sun looks bright This is the home of the Worldstar hood fight [Style 5: 2 Chainz] By now all the natives knew the Spainards were just villains In the 1600s guess who showed up? The Pilgrims Holdin' onto bibles, all the goddamn Indians were like "Uh, not this shit again" The Pilgrims was like "Nah, man, we diff-erent But we ran out of food, we fuckin' hungry, need food pronto We heard all you natives ball, like LaVar and Lonzo" (swish) Met the homie Squanto, taught 'em how to farm real good, y'all Now every year we have a feast where we eat food and watch football [Style 6: Wiz Khalifa] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, in 1620 The Pilgrims farmed tobacco to get money They just wanted to be fly, have the baddest bitch So they created the Plymouth Rock establishment Up north, some Dutch people from Holland Bought Manhattan from the natives for twenty-four dollars That's a true story, they called it New Amsterdam English people took it from them and said "Nah bitch, this is called New York now" [Style 7: Kevin Gates] 1682, King Charles II owed money to William Penn But he said "Uh, I can't find my checkbook, eh, uh, I don't have a pen" But wait, "Maybe I could give you a state" And William Penn said "Really, thank ya" And King Charles II said, "Uh, sure, here You can have Pennsylvania" William Penn was a little gangsta He was a breadwinner, he was so real He moved to Pennsylvania with his Quaker friends And they created oatmeal And chocolate, and Cheez-Whiz And the Philadelphia Eagles and the Rocky movies And Meek Mill and Beanie Siegel and some other shit [Style 8: Cypress Hill] Skip ahead to 1754 Let's talk about the French and Indian War Young kid named George Washington, age 22 Was still a SoundCloud rapper hoping he can break through (Can break through) He took troops and attacked the French And now the British Army ran the whole East Coast, bitch [Style 9: Kanye West (Old)] In 1850, Louis Vuitton Had everyone pretty at the beauty salon What Kim? This video's about who? America? My bad, y'all I'm doin' it wrong It passed 1773, dawg The King of England raised taxes on our tea, dawg Man they sound like he Sean C. Carter So we threw a bunch of tea off the Boston Harbor [Style 10: Kanye West (New)] England wanna raise our taxes, haaah? They wanna kill our economy? Why you tryna fuck with us, dawg? All we tryna do is build a fuckin' colony Fuck the King of England, dawg That shit is final He releases new albums, dawg That you can only listen to on Tidal [Style 11: Eminem (On Drugs)] Let's start a revolution, I'm sick of payin' taxes I run up on the British Army now and spray my gat clip And you can tell the King of England that a maniac is On the loose and I'm so fuckin' crazy Imma make him backflip My name is George Washington I got two Glocks And Imma bust a few shots At you like you was 2Pac And you'll be layin' dead up on the rooftop Naked in nothin' but tube socks Suckin' a red, white, and blue cock [Style 12: Eminem (Sober)] And the colonists won the revolution America got retribution To beat the British And take the land Let's all pray to Jesus, take my hand We signed the Declaration of Independence On July 2nd, 1776 Sayin' that we hold these truths to be self-evident That all men are created equal Except women, poor, Native American, and black people _____________________________________________________ Part II: Titties, Beer, & Metallica [Intro: Mac Lethal] We finally got our own country, but we needed a goverment So two of the greatest Americans ever debated what that government should be [Style 13: Future as Thomas Jefferson] *incomprehensible gibberish* [Style 14: Desiigner as Alexander Hamilton] You got slaves in Atlanta Tommy, boy, why did you stand up? See my name's Alexander Hamilton, I got the answer Your family, a panda Black on white 'cause you fucked Sally And you say you want small goverment But you sound like a bitch at political rallies You got slaves in Atlanta Jefferson, why did you stand up? You don't teach them grammar You just give them shovels and hammers Family, a panda Black on white 'cause you fucked Sally And you say that I'm dumb 'cause I want a big goverment Man, how the fuck could you doubt me? [Style 15: Bone Thugs n Harmony] Mmmm, into the 1800s Were French on a lot of American land and so we said we wanted And the Louisiana Purchase And Natives or something that you heard of Until the white man brought the Murda mo, murda mo, murda mo, murrdaa Lewis and Clark went on an expedition Left St. Louis on search on the fuckin' Pacific Then there was the War of 18-12 And nothing changed 'til the place was hell And you can tell that when Andrew Jack Went and signed the Indian Removal Act We kicked the Indians out they home And they missed their uncle, child, y'all [Style 16: Jadakiss] Jadakiss went to war with Mexico Standoff at the Alamo, we took Texas, yo The California Gold Rush is where Jada be Unfortunately, Americans still use slavery [Style 17: XXXTentacion] Why the fuck does slavery exist, what we thinkin'? I'm the new president, my name is Abe Lincoln Southern states, want some slaves We can't give them more We will have to take them fuckin' to the Civil War now [Style 18: R. Kelly] Hey, Robert E. Lee, how ya' doin' Heard you came to Gettysburg for the weekend Lookin' for a Civil War to get into Gonna send the Union Army down to kill you, hooyoo The Union Army is partyin' and dancin' all in the club We won the Civil War 'cause we got too much money and guns And now we poppin' bottles 'cause we about to free the slaves Kneel down, but baby, lemme pee in your face [Style 19: 2Pac] Abe Lincoln had some enemies He was at the theater sippin' Hennessey John Wilkes Booth stuck him And afterwards America entered Reconstruction We gave black people the right to vote Then we took it away five minutes later with Jim Crow Feel me! I fought for your freedom But I don't think that we should share the same fountain for drinkin' I don't have a reason _____________________________________________________ Part III: More Fucked Up Shit Happens [Intro: Mac Lethal] America needed a railroad, so we built one And when I said "we", I mean we made Chinese and Irish people build one [Style 20: Young Thug] 1869 the Transatlantic Railroad Had the whole country travel for the band, oh Susan B. Anthony said "listen man, [? I ain't that type of ho ?]" 1920, women got the right to vote The economy was buildin' in the Roaring 20's We was out at the strip club pouring money Lots of fake capitalists and we ain't learn a lesson Cause we woke up in the 30's with The Great Depression [Style 21: Die Antwoord] I see you think you motherfuckers listen FDR came in and ended Prohibition Before that you think that the man [?] He brought the New Deal to save the US The motherfucking north here is mostly poop But like the government programs, enough of that soup [? The other plundering was pretty hot too, kay Bitches would have worked on World War 2 ?] [Style 22: 21 Savage] 1939, Nazis invaded Poland Adolf Hitler had a stick-up in his colon The Japanese acting like an angry baby mama And in 1941, they invaded Pearl Harbor like wooo They started playa hatin' on the Jews America sent troops to World War 2 like "Fuck your little three-way" Normandy on D-Day Hitler drank some cyanide like "Peace, y'all, be safe" And we told Japan, "Issa nuke" _____________________________________________________ Part IV: The Empire Strikes Back [Intro: Mac Lethal] Wooo! That was a close one. Germany almost took over the world. Luckily, they didn't. In response, we decided to try to take over the world. So did Russia [Style 23: Rae Sremmurd] In the 50's too, superpowers took charge One was the USA, the other? The USS-R Communism versus Capitalism, it set the stage For the Cold War, Joseph Stalin was a bold whore [Style 24: Lil B] November 22nd, 1963 Young Based God shot John F. Kennedy Layin' in the car dead with Jacqueline Onassis "Oh my god, Based God, look how big her ass is!" A guy named Martin Luther King said "Wait If you could stop racism, that'd be great" So they went and shot him like blang da-dang-de-dang The Vietnam War happened, swag, gang gang gang [Style 25: Kendrick Lamar] 1970s, proof we still full of shit, President Richard Nixon said "I'm not a crook" and quit Then emerged was bellbottoms pot smokin' and rolled in 'em And finally men learned that they couldn't control women There were war people and anti-war people and anti-anti-war people that went to war with anti-war people and more steeples Were built, silent majority hated all the non-whites And watched the violence on Walter Cronkite [Style 26: Cam'ron] Killer Cam, wearin' pink in my Mercedes Light a blunt, let's talk about the 1980's We got Reagonomics, they came from Ronald Reagan He said that taxes were sky high like Carl Sagan So we cut him, it set all the poor people back Then in the 90s, we went and started the war in Iraq But nevermind slavery or genocide The worst thing in American history was a blowjob [Style 27: Lil Yachty] And then the Internet's invented And we can finally hate each other with our names hidden And then we get attacked, they crash planes into our buildings So, we invade an unrelated country and we kill them And then a bunch of bankers almost ruined our whole nation And all we do is put cheeseburgers in our faces All we do is try to make our fat bodies bigger And our president is arguing right now on Twitter [Outro: Mac Lethal] Part 2 coming in 500 years