Eve online

This video is sponsored by Skillshare. [Instrumental Intro] [Video Intro] Hey, kids. Now, some philosophers have called boats the “airplanes of the sea”, but while every Glamorous Glenice has its Slo-mo-shun, so too does JJ the Jetplane have his awful, awful counterpart. Her legacy in many ways resembles my middle school career, a 3-year-long travesty plagued by blunder after blunder due to both gross incompetence and sheer misfortune, with the only silver lining bеing that it’s rememberеd by relatively few. [Fletcher] Meet the U.S.S. William D. Porter, nicknamed the “Willie D”, which was a perfectly acceptable alias in the days before don’t ask don’t tell. She was a Fletcher class destroyer which, if you know Fletcher as well as I do, you know he’s pretty high-class at destroying. Like when he snapped off my DS screen during summer camp ‘cause he was “Trying to get a better look”. Didn’t even apologize! He was just like “Well, you’re not supposed to bring video games to camp anyway”, even though everyone did. Fuck you, Fletcher! You’re a counselor, you were supposed to be more mature than us! You’re the reason I grew up with a lingering resentment towards authority! And my only reprisal is that I got to draw you as a disgusting fat lard for millions of people! (momentary silence) Actually, I think his name might have been Aaron. [Day 1] Anyway, in July of 1943 the ship was commissioned by the navy and led by Lieutenant Commander Wilfred A. Walter. As their first real job, the Willie D was assigned to a top-secret escort mission across the Atlantic. Walter was like “Alright men, time to prove ourselves. I want to see you all on your A-game”, and as it’s first act under military command, the ship didn’t raise anchor properly and tore a massive chunk out of the ship next to it while pulling out. (Walter): “Okay, rough start, but definitely not a sign of things to come.” [Day 2] The next day she met up with three other ships including two destroyers and a battleship known as the U.S.S. Iowa, and the fleet set off towards Africa. Given the clandestine nature of the operation, they were ordered to maintain total radio silence so as not to alert any subs that might be lurking below. Suddenly: Boom! Bang! Borf! Hare Krishna! Huge explosion off the starboard quarter! They were like “Holy shit! Evasive maneuvers!” (whistling) But after howevermany minutes, the transmission comes in, saying: (Walter): “Uh, hi, this is Wilfred D. of the Willy Walter. I mean, uh… So a depth charge may have accidentally fallen off the ship, and we may have also forgotten to turn off the safety mechanisms on said charge, causing it to detonate immediately. So if you heard a little noise a bit ago, no cause for alarm. Also sorry for breaking radio silence, love you, bye.” Shortly thereafter, a strange phenomenon was spotted near the ship. (Walter): “Officer! What in the rhyme of the ancient fuck is that?!” (Officer): “Appears to be a large wave, sir.” (Walter): “Jesus Christ, they have that now!?” Basically everything that wasn’t tied down ended up being swept off, and one of the boilers in the engine room got foobarred. But fortunately, no crew members were taken away, except for the one that was- Later, the four ships congregated in the waters east of Bermuda when the Iowa decided to test its anti-air abilities and launched a bunch of weather balloons for target practice. A few of these drifted towards the Willy D. and they took some potshots just for fun, probably wrecking some happy albatross households in the process. But Walter was like “Men, it’s time to redeem ourselves. Spit those crayons out! Don’t you know the purple ones are bad for you? Time for some impromptu torpedo drills on the Iowa, yay! (Ahh)” (Six nautical moments later) (Walter): “That was narnar in the pow-pow. They’re gonna douse their trousers when they see how good we tore those pedos. Say, you guys remembered to, uh, take the primer out of all of ‘em before launching, right?” (Crewmate 1): "Yes, sir." (Crewmate 2): "Yep." (Lawton Dawson): "What?" (Walter): "Fffffffff-" Fortunately, the Iowa didn't really have much valuable cargo that could be damaged in the event the torpedo struck. Oh, except for 32nd president of the United States Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who was being escorted to Cairo as the whole point of the mission. The next five minutes aboard the Willy D were just total fucking chaos. Humid sacks of rice, hogs and bats sniffing eachother, massive stereos! (Willy D Crewmate): "Commander, we really should radio them-" (Walter): "No! I am not breaking any more rules! Do the flashy light thing!" (Iowa Crewmate): "Hey, incoming signal from old iron-brains uh-hyuk. They're saying they’re uh- going to reverse at full speed? What?" (Walter): " Shit off a [?], this ain't workin'! Fine! Call 'em'! FaceTime! Uvu! I don't give a hoot!" The transmission arrived in the nick of time, and the torpedo detonated a safe distance away in the Iowa's wake. Of course, that didn't stop the entire crew of the Willy D from being arrested for- you know- shooting a torpedo at the president. [Bridge] Lawton Dawson, the Elmer's-eater from earlier, was initially sentenced to fourteen years hard labor, 'til FDR came out and was like "No, no. It's okay. Boys will be boys. But we are sending you and the rest of Carnival Cruiseline to Alaska where there's fewer things to ruin by being yourself. Get it? Carnival Cruiseline? 'Cause you're the worst, and also clowns?" [Aleutians] So they kicked it for a while in the Aleutians, otherwise known as "The tail of the pregnant rat that makes up Alaska". This went on mostly without incident, except for when they were anchored outside an officer's home during a New Year's Eve party and a sailor got drunk and decided to fire off one of the five-inch guns for a laugh, and ended up sending a bunch of his geraniums straight to Hell where they belong. Other than that, smooth sailing. [Bridge] Then they hung out in the Philipines for a bit before central command was like "Alright, looks like you smoothskins are ready for actual missions again. Except you, you're going to clown college." [Battle of Okinawa] And the Willy D was sent to the Battle of Okinawa under the leadership of some guy named Charles. Here, they actually did some worthwhile stuff until June 10th, 1945 when a kamikaze began to dive towards them. They weren't able to shoot it down (probably because it wasn't American) but it crashed in the water some ways away. They were like "Phew! Crisis averted.", turned their attention elsewhere, unintentionally driving right over where the bomber landed. The plane was like "The hell? Oh shit, that's right. Uh, banzai." About three hours of desperate repairs went by before the order to abandon ship was given, and miraculously every crew member made it out alive by the time the ship sank, just twelve minutes later. [Outro] So it just goes to show, everything has its silver lining. Everyone on the dipship gets to live, every filthy Chuck-E-Cheese ballpit has a delicious prize on the bottom, and the vast nexus of pointless diversions we call "the Internet" actually has a couple productive things to do on it, too. Sponsor time! [Sponsor] Skillshare is an online learning community with over 25,000 classes in design, business, technology, and more. Premium membership gives you unlimited access to high-quality classes on must-know topics so you can improve your skills, unlock new opportunities, and do the work you love. If you're like me, you've been mildly interested in- y'know- actual animation for years, but felt too intimidated by the community to really get your hands dirty. Skillshare has plenty of tools that smooth that learning curve down into a gentle exploratory slope. How about this one? "Simple Character Animation: Create a Walk Cycle with Duik" Look at me! See you later, goofshits! I'm off to autonomize Kurdistan! Join then more than seven million people already learning today with a special offer just for my viewers. While Skillshare's already less than ten dollars a month, the first five hundred people who visit the link in the description will get a full year's subscription for forty percent off. So please, quit ruminating, and start substantiating today. Anyway, that's all for today, 'till next time, I'm Sam O'Nella, and I'm a fella with rubella.